You Are Not Special.

An important thing.

2010-03-22T21:43:00.001-04:00

The Abortion Gang blog has launched!

IF YOU CLICK THIS RIGHT HERE YOU WILL GO THERE.

Of particular interest, naturally, is my own entry.

AND IF YOU CLICK THIS RIGHT HERE YOU WILL GO RIGHT TO IT.

And that is all for now. I am not feeling particularly verbose at the moment.

I'll tumble for ya...

2010-03-16T15:52:00.004-04:00

So, as you may or may not have noticed, I have not blogged in a wicked long time. Those of you who are REALLY good stalkers are already following me on Twitter, and know that I post there almost daily and in a constant stream.

Please, no pee jokes. That is so immature.

Anyway. The point of this post is that I have started a Tumblr blog. Why have I done this? Well, my first thought was that it nicely bridged the gap between twittering and blogging. I think it might help me blog more. Twitter is sort of a stream-of-consciousness way of expressing myself through writing, and I enjoy it immensely. But I think that it would be nice to have the capability of expressing myself in more than 140 or whatever characters and have it post as quickly and easily as a tweet.

This is my Tumblr: http://murphysbride.tumblr.com/ I'll be putting it in the sidebar in my links. Actually my goal is to just clean up my sidebar tonight. It's rare that I get two days in a row off like this and I want to use them to my advantage as far as things I mean to get done.

Oh, but I was born a ramblin' lady.

I had originally intended to end this blog with this p0st. I haven't used it in months; it's obviously neglected. But I like having it here. I still will have rantings and such to post. I like having sort of a base of operations. I'd like to save this for my longer posts instead of the short little ADD ones I'll be doing on Tumblr. Plus Tumblr's like way cooler these days. Like, you know.

So don't write me off yet, all three of you who read this. I am not dead, and I shall return when the time is right. Kind of like Jesus, except for I'm actually coming back because I exist.

EDIT: Something I forgot to mention. It is likely I will make an attempt to crosspost favorite things on LJ, and tumblr, and here. Though I see them as all different sites through which to express different sides of me, I see no reason there shouldn't be an overlap. I am all up in ur internetz, yo.

Because. I am made of cats, too.

40 reasons you're an idiot.

2009-10-04T20:12:00.002-04:00

This is your monthly blog entry. To make up for the infrequency of my posts, I apparently am endeavoring to make them as long as possible. You're welcome. I know you miss me.

So I was readin' Like It Is, specifically this most recent entry, and it brought my attention to an interesting debate.

Apparently there is a book out there called 40 Reasons Not To Have Children. Now personally, I can come up with more than 40, but the difference between me and the author of this book is that I have never had children. Oh yes, you read that correctly. The author of 40 Reasons Not To Have Children, Corinne Maier, is a mother. A mother of two, no less.

Now I've not read the book yet, because I just found out about it, so if I seem like I'm defending it because I'm a snarky evil childfree (semi) blogger... well, I am. But reading reviews for it on Amazon (and it's not very expensive, I might just buy it today) it seems to me that half of it is done tongue-in-cheek... it's mostly humor. Granted, it's funny because it's true, but still... anyone who takes it so damn seriously as to make a comment along the lines of "How can that woman live with herself what about her children what about when they read this book how are they going to feel OMGOMGOMG" I imagine that they share their mother's sense of humor, or at least understand it. I'm also pretty sure that the relationship between this woman and her children is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

Anyway. The National Post had the audacity to interview this inhuman, horrible mother about her book. And oooooooh the readers didn't like it much, apparently. (Their complaints are all bullshit bingoes, by the way...) One woman--a mother of four, of course--even felt the desire to come up with her own top 40 list. It is this list, my friends, that I am about to take the piss out of. Because it is so. Effing. STOOPIT. I mean. Come the fuck ON. You're practically begging me to do this.

Original article (clicky)

Of course you know what I'm about to do here. Sappy mombie shit is in vomit-inducing pink, my own replies are in gaaaaah-I-want-to-make-you-be-dead red.

In response to Corinne Maier, author of No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not To Have Children, here, in no particular order, are 40 good reason to have children:

-Kids love parents unconditionally, even as adults.

Ah ha ha ha ha... ha ha ha... heee.... oh man, that's funny. I know a whole lot of people who could tell you otherwise. I know some people who, for instance, say it will be a cold, dark day in hell (or whatever other supernatural torture place you feel like believing in) before they ever forgive or even speak civilly to their abusive/absent parents. I know some older folks who have children that treat them like total shit or worse, ignore them. Parenthood does not ensure unconditional love. Sorry, I know that was your big main point, but it's moot. Next!

-Going to the zoo is so much more fun with kids.

Uh... okay? You know, somehow that doesn't strike me as a legitimate reason to breed. "Oh, honey! I can't wait until the baby comes, and then grows up, so we can take it to the zoo! It's my whole reason for having a child! Finally, a fun day at the zoo! We can feed it to the lions when it turns into a teenager."

-Kids love to bake.

A lot of grown-ups like to bake, too. Sometimes they find they can bake better when there are not screaming little monsters running around their kitchen. Just sayin'.

-Their successes give you reason to feel proud, if not because you helped, then because they are related.

Are you serious. This is so the typical breeder fantasy: riding on the coattails of their children. Making their successes their own. And we're the ones who are called selfish. I mean, if your children make you proud, that's awesome, I have nothing against that. But you're not the one who did it. Your kid is the one who did it. So don't take credit for it, asshole.

-Kids give the best hugs.

Yeah, I guess it depends on what kind of hugs you like. Personally I think my friend Mike gives the best hugs. My husband's hugs are also awesome. Kids are too small; they can't give you that nice bear hug kinda hold-you-close hug that I personally prefer. But to each their own. Still not a valid reason to bring another soul into this horrible world.

-Nothing smells better than freshly washed kids.

Okay, I'm sure it's lovely, but good smells are just a STEWPID reason to breed.

-Who is going to mow the lawn?

Um... my husband.

-Who takes out the garbage?

Um... I do.

-Kids make you laugh more, and that creates good brain chemicals.

Ooooh, what a scientific response! Good brain chemicals! That's hard fucking evidence, right there! Who knew that I was missing out on all those awesome brain chemicals, just because I wasn't laughing at my sproglings! Well, shit, I guess I'm just doomed to having inferior brain meats because I don't have children making me laugh and stimulating my fucking GOOD BRAIN CHEMICALS.

-Kids make you sing more -- even more good brain chemicals.

Oh, suck my dick, lady, seriously. You might as well say that Justin Timberlake is your baby, 'cause he makes you sing, too. I'll fix my brain right up with those amazing scientific chemicals by singing a little show tune... NO BREEDING REQUIRED. Idiot.

-Chai wallahs --need I say more?

I don't even know what that is, and I have the feeling that I don't want to.

-Kids help you to slow down and appreciate simple things.

Little bit of weed'll do that, too. Less expensive than kids, even if you smoke the high-end shit. Plus, without kids around, you can smoke all the weed you want! So, yeah, still not convinced.

-You get to colour, paint, cut and paste whenever you like.

Yeah. I can do that without kids. And I can do, you know, real art instead of craftsy kiddie bullshit.

-Chinese checkers.

-Monopoly.

-The Game of Life.

-Risk.

Wait... games that I can buy at any department store are a reason to have children? I think you were just running out of reasons, lady.

-You can beat someone at Bop It and Tetris.

Oh, come on, you don't let them win every once in a while? Dang, bitch, I thought you loved your kids.

-Someone in the house knows how to work your iPod/phone/camera/DVD player.

I can't even... fathom... seriously? You can't work your DVD player without a child helping you? Why is this not surprising to me? Oh yeah, because your list is already FUCKING STUPID, just like you.

-Kids help you meet and keep in touch with the neighbours.

Fuck that, I hate people.

-Kids will talk to your parents for hours on the phone.

What? First you use your children as an excuse to get out of mowing, taking out the garbage, and learning how to operate a fucking DVD player... now you're using them to get out of talking to your parents? How'd you like that if your children did that to you? You're not really showing that unconditional love that children are supposed to have for their parents much, are you?

-Idyllic minor league baseball championships at tree-canopied fields on Saturdays in August.

Again, something you can do without kids if you've a mind to. Personally I don't have a mind to; I'd rather spend my August Saturdays doing something a little more interesting than watching a sport that's more boring than insect sex.

-Your husband buys everyone doughnuts when the kids play well.

My husband buys doughnuts anyway, whether we play well or not. And since we don't have kids, that means more doughnuts for us! Yay, doughnuts!

-You get to listen to children's choirs several times a year.

Yeah, that's not really getting my ovaries tingling. NEXT!

-It's fun to see their senses of humour develop.

You know, considering you made this list because you couldn't deal with someone else's sense of humor, I don't think your kids really are going to excel in that department with your influence.

-Reading aloud.

I do that all the time. It is fun. It's fun to do with kids, too. Honestly, reading to kids is one of my favorite things to do. But still, it's not a reason to have babies.

-The sounds of happy kids playing together makes the heart swell.

Heart swelling? That's kind of a serious medical condition, isn't it? Maybe those good brain chemicals aren't helping you like they should. Seriously, though, the sound of screaming, shrieking children might be heartwarming for you, but for me it's just noise and I don't need to hear it.

-Kids like to fold laundry --go figure.

God, again with the getting out of chores! You don't think maybe hiring a maid would be cheaper?

-You get to see the sun come up on the way to hockey practice in December.

Or you get to see the sun come up on your morning walk with your dog. Still not convinced.

-You get to see beautiful sunsets on the way home from hockey practice in July.

Orrrr you can just go outside any time you like and watch the fucking sun set. Again... not a valid reason for having children.

-You never have to grocery shop alone -- and they help load the bags.

The slave labor excuse again. You use that a lot.

-Grocery shopping alone sometimes feels like a special treat.

HA! You can't keep the sunshine going forever, can you?

-Kids love camping.

So do I... are you saying I can't enjoy camping without kids? Because I'd rather go camping without worrying about the kids getting into poison ivy or getting mauled by a bear.

-Kids think that bugs and fossils are very cool.

Oh, well golly! Finally, someone who shares my interests! I better get started sharting out babies RIGHT NOW so when they grow up I can have someone to talk about how COOL fossils and bugs are! Oh, yeah, AND take them to the zoo! I just can't WAIT!

-Kids are not self-conscious about dancing/ singing in public.

Actually, neither am I. I was in theatre for ten years. So... if I want to see people being unselfconscious about singing and dancing in public... I'll just go and see a musical. And support the arts in the process! So... you still haven't given me a valid reason to have children.

-Kids think you're a doctor because you can clean and bandage a scrape.

Jesus, shut up. At this point just... shut up.

-Kids think that peanut butter and jam sandwiches are the best dinner ever.

I can have that for dinner any time I want because I'm a grown-up and I can do whatever I want.

-Kids like to grow things.

Oh, so do I. Yeah... things. In the closet. With a grow light. Uh-huh.

-Kids love to dress up in old clothes.

I can do that without children as an excuse. Ten years of theatre, remember?

-Sleeping kids are a most peaceful sight.

So are sleeping puppies and kittens and husbands. I really have no desire now to squirt out a bunch of babies just so I can watch them sleep. So your 40 reasons to have children haven't convinced me. Sorry, try again.

Cathy Naus, Toronto.

She also wrote an article to go with the list. And you know, she seems to enjoy being a mom, and that's great. It works for her. But honestly both her list and her article just seems to me to be justifications for her choice; things about being a mom that she's enjoyed along the way. Her situation and experience is by no means every parents situation and experience, and to think otherwise is just straight-up stupid. I'm glad that she's a good mom and has wonderful kids and a wonderful life and all that shit, I really am. But this nosy interfering breeder bitch and everyone like her needs to GET OVER THEMSELVES and realize that not everyone thinks the way they do.

It just amuses me that all these breeders get so offended when people mention that having children might not be such a good idea. And it baffles me that they seriously can't see that people would want to choose a different lifestyle. Now a big part of what I honestly thing is going on here is a large amount of jealousy. Maybe not in Mrs. Naus' case... I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she's happy in her suburban hockey mom life. But it has to be acknowledged that her lifestyle is much more universally accepted than a life without children. A lot of people don't even think that they can make the choice to not have them... I even thought that once. It's just something you do because it's what society expects of you. It is what my friend over at An Array of Chaotic Thoughts refers to as The Lifescript (tm). Go to school, get married, get a career, get a house in the suburbs and have babies. That's just what you do. And when people realize that they could have made different choices, choices that might have made them happier, they get jealous of the people who did make these choices. And they attempt as best as they can to denigrate the people who have the lifestyle they secretly wish they had, in a vain attempt to make their choices seem valid and right.

Like I said, I'd sure like to believe that Mrs. Naus has a happy life with her brood of crotchnuggets. But I'm more inclined to believe, from her vitriolic response, that she followed the LifeScript (tm) without realizing that she could have made another choice, and that she's trying to justify the life she did end up living by posting sappy shit about how great sleeping babies are, and that's why everyone should breed like goddamn bunny rabbits.

The list of 40 reasons to have children? Invalid and unconvincing. The list of 40 reasons to NOT have children? That makes a lot more sense to me.

Hey, I know! Let's play some BINGO!

2009-08-02T14:27:00.008-04:00

So yet again I have been gone for an inexcusably long time. I'd apologize if I thought any of you cared, but I know you don't, so it's all good.

Just kidding, I know no one actually reads this.

I've just really been too busy fucking around on other parts of the internet to be wasting time fucking around writing ranty blogs, you know? I have plenty of things to rant about, of course, because I never run out, because you are all useless pathetic wastes of organic matter and I hate you all.

But I was inspired recently, when I was looking through my funny graphics folder and found the Breeder Bingo. Most of us childfree people of course recognize it... a collection of phrases that are meant to stump us into reconsidering our very personal decision to not have children. These questions are asked by the sort of person that would interrogate us as to why we would not bring little fat blobs of angel blessings into the world. The sort of person who bluntly asks us "Why haven't you shart a baby out your vag-hole yet?" without realizing that for us, there is no "yet". The sort of person who would find a way to take it personally that you have not done this baby-sharting. The sort of person who would condemn your decision without having any sort of access to your point of view at all. This person, this interfering, nosy, obnoxious fetus-worshipper... this is the breeder. This is who we must defend ourselves against. These are the questions and phrases that total fucking strangers who have no say in my personal life whatsoever ask me, and these are my responses. I realize they are snarktastic in the extreme. This blog is for entertainment purposes also. And I don't feel like being nice.

Let's play BREEDER BINGO, everyone! All the questions are full of fresh baby shit, and the color used reflects this. Ready? Here we go!

The only reason to get married is to have children!

You know what? Golly gee you're right. Here I was, thinking it was a declaration between two consenting adults of lifetime devotion and love without condition... but apparently NOT! Apparently it's only so we can have secks and get preggers without Jesus getting mad at us! No wonder the gays can't get married! I guess we all better break it to our married friends who can't have children that they're not really married...

When you meet the right person, you'll want to have children together.

I've met the right person. Know how I know? He doesn't want to have children, either.

Don't you want to have a lasting testament to you and your spouse's love for each other?

Like the love itself isn't enough? Yeah, I think actually THIS is the reason we get married.

You don't know what you're missing.

No, I used to babysit for a living, I know exactly what I'm missing. Poopy diapers, projectile vomit, screaming at all hours of the night... and that's just the general stuff. That's all right. You can keep it.

You'll change your mind/Someday you'll feel differently/I used to think that, too/You're just going through a phase.

These particular bingoes are grouped together for a reason: they pretty much all imply the same thing. Which is that we are immature. No, we are grown-ups, and we have grown-up thoughts and we do grown-up things. We make mature, informed decisions about our lives. We think about every consequence involved in giving birth and having a bunch of little human beings depend on us forever, and we decide, no, we would rather have a fluffy kitty cat. So, please stop saying shit like this, you condescending asses. I might change my mind about how much I love the last Batman movie, but not about my life. I might feel differently about how much I like the new Modest Mouse album, but not about my life. The last time I "went through a phase" I was thirteen fucking years old. I used to think I might have children, too, but mostly because I was socially conditioned to think that I had to have children to have a normal life. I grew out of that phase. I'm not likely to devolve back into it.

You're just being selfish.

And you're just being a dick. Let me see... I make my own personal decision that does not maliciously intend to harm any other living person, I take responsibility for myself and my life, and apparently that's selfish. If I give birth to a child for reasons of vanity, to display as a trophy, to fit in with the mainstream, to relive my own childhood innocence, to provide myself with built-in care for my old age, in a vain attempt at finding unconditional love that I don't deserve... I'm suddenly selfless and caring and good? That's funny. You make me laugh, funny people. Ha ha. Ha. Ha.

Did you have a bad childhood?

Actually, considering, I had a pretty freakin' awesome childhood. That has nothing to do with whether I decide to have a child at all. My childhood is over now, it was nice while it lasted and I miss it sometimes, but I'm not going to delude myself that I can have it again. I certainly am not going to squirt out another little airbreather just to get it back.

Don't you want to see what a little you would look like?

Yeah, because that's a perfectly valid reason for bringing another human being into existence... seeing what mini-me will look like. Not at all a selfish motivation, there.

Who will take care of you in your old age?

Who will take care of you? I mean, it's pretty presumptuous to think that your kids are going to be the ones to take you in. They might be too busy raising families of their own. They're just as likely to leave you at the rest home and forget about you. So... see ya at the old folk's home, bitch!

My kids' money will be supporting you when you're old.

What the hell are you talking about? We already took all your kid's money and spent it. Seriously, though, this is a ridiculous thing to say. It's not like I haven't worked all my life and contributed to society that way. In fact, I've worked more because I haven't been stuck at home with kids. I'm paying taxes for your kid's schools and you don't hear me bitching about it. Shit, come to think of it, I'm paying taxes for your goddamn welfare and food stamps. So by the time I'm old, I think your fucking kids'll owe me back. How about THAT?

You'll be lonely.

What if your kids abandon you? You'll be lonely, too. I recommend getting a dog. You are never lonely with a doggie around.

You owe your parents grandchildren!

Hey. I don't owe shit. I didn't ask to be born. It's not my fault they fucked and I showed up. The only thing I owe them is respect, and they get as much of that as they deserve. If they truly loved me without condition, like a parent is supposed to, then they would support me whatever I decide to do with my life.

You aren't a real woman until you have a child.

Weak fuckin' argument, and insulting in the extreme. People who say this to me receive the verbal bitchslapping of their lives. Your biology alone does not define you as a person. If it does, you are a sad and pathetic excuse for one.

You were made for it! It's your purpose for living!

You know what, my body was made to do a bunch of things. My body was made, for example, to take a big ol' poop when waste from the nutrients I imbibe to sustain myself fills my colon. Having a child is no more miraculous than that. The only difference is that I need to eat and poop to survive biologically. I don't need to have a child to survive biologically.

Your biological clock is ticking!

Is it really. Well good for it. I don't know what you expect me to do about it. I mean, what happens when it winds down before you get knocked up? Your uterus explodes and all of western civilization is wiped out? Wonder what a biological clock looks like... probably like this.

Don't you want genetic immortality?

Not really. There's no such thing. We all get old, we all die. Entropy is nothing new, and children are no defense against it. They'll get old and die, too. And so will their children, and their children's children. So there's no immortality involved in this whatsoever.

Children are the greatest joy you'll ever know!

I somehow doubt that changing poopy diapers are going to give me the same kind of joy that, say, really loud sex anywhere in my house whenever I want is, but you go ahead and enjoy what you enjoy, I'm not here to judge you.

It's different when it's your own!

If my kid is different from all the other kids, they will fall upon him and eat him alive. They do that, you know, if you don't conform to their little hive mind. I couldn't possibly put any child of mine through that hell. And though I'm only being half-serious when I say that, the knowledge that my child would be different and up for ridicule and difficulty from its peers is one of many reasons I don't want to have one.

But God said be fruitful and multiply!

First of all, it's pretty damn presumptuous of you to assume that I follow the word of your God, or of any God. Second of all, with the world's population in the how many billions, I think we've definitely completed the "be fruitful and multiply" injunction. Not only that, but with medical science the way it is, we're dying a lot less. So really, there are plenty of people on this planet. What I think this is really about is that you want more people out there raised according to the tenets of your bullshit religion. And that's pretty selfish, bringing more people into this fucked-up world just because you want more sheep in your flock.

You need to carry on the family name!

Who says? What's so great about your last name? I'm sure a lot of people have it, and even if they don't, who cares? What's the big deal? It's just a bunch of random letters formed into a word; it's MEANINGLESS. You know what it's really about, don't you? Carrying on the family GENES. It's pure ego, pure selfishness. It's just a random bunch of DNA formed into a walking breathing fleshbag. WHAT IS. THE BIG. FUCKING DEAL.

But you would be a great parent!

Oh, I'm sure I would. Thank you for the compliment, I suppose. But just because you CAN have children doesn't mean you HAVE to. I will be more than happy being a great aunt to my wonderful nieces and nephews. I have no desire or motivation to become a parent simply because I would be good at it. I mean, I'm damn good at cleaning the toilet, but I'm not really looking to get a janitorial job any time soon, you know?

Having a child makes you a better person!

Oh SNAP! What impeccable logic! If only Hitler had had children! He would have been SO much a better person! Come the fuck on. If that was true, then do you think that people like THIS would exist? Andrea Yates didn't turn out to be a better person when she had children, did she? Nor did Otty Sanchez. Look over the stories in that blog and then get back to me with this argument, k?

You know YOU were a child once!

Um... yes? That wasn't exactly a choice for me, now was it? I was a child once, and then I grew up, and in the process of growing up, I decided that I was not going to have children.

What if you regret it?

Then that's my problem, not yours. I'd much rather regret not having children than regret having them, and bringing more air-breathers onto this already over-burdened planet. Unless I get my brain zapped by aliens, though, I don't plan to regret anything. Life is too short for regret.

What if your parents had felt the way you did? Then YOU wouldn't be alive!

And therefore I would not be concerned about it. If they felt that way, they would certainly be entitled to. What would I have done about it; haunted them as a fetus-ghost? Yoooooou didn't waaaaant meeeeeee! Please. Try to be logical.

If everyone thought like you did, the human race would go extinct!

See, this is another one of those totally unrealistic, improbable ideas breeders seem to get into their heads. Everyone does NOT think like me. No one ever will, especially in this child-centric society. So if anyone ever says this to me, I can't help but have a sarcastic reaction to it. I mean really. REALLY? You think that's even a remote possibility? Because I tell you, it'd be nice to have more people around who thought the way I did... I would get annoyed by you judgmental assholes a whole lot less.

Don't you want unconditional love?

I do, actually. I think most human beings do. But I'm not going to drag another soul, another spirit into this world just to get unconditional love from it. It doesn't work that way. You are not beholden to another human being just because you happened to pop out their uterus. Anyway, the love of a child is hardly without condition. You don't buy Bratley that toy he wants and see how much he loves you then. Me, I'll get my unconditional love the way everyone should... by giving it to those who deserve it and earning it back from them. And by being a dog owner.

Your child could go on to do great things!

It's more likely my child could go on to work at a Pizza Hut. Yours, too. Don't think you've suddenly got the next fucking Einstein growing in your uterus, all right? Your uterus isn't any different from any other, you are not special and you will never be special and neither will your child.

Children are the future!

The future WHAT? Unless you personally have done something for the advancement of humankind--aside from having a child, because believe me, that does not count--then the future is going to be just about the same as the past. And your children will be exactly the same self-centered, brainwashed, obnoxious tubes of meat that YOU are, and teach their children to be the same. Nothing will change. The only difference is that your iPod will get smaller and be available in more colors.

oh, and I saved my absolute favorite for last...

It's all WORTH it!

Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Okay, okay, sure. If you say so. Personally I would rather live my own life than just do what everyone else does because that's what you're "supposed" to do. If you think it's worth it, then great. I'm glad for you, I really am. But my personal definition of happiness has nothing to do with cleaning up another human being's feces for two years. My future, whether it turns out the way I'd like it to or not, has no children in it. It's that simple, and quite honestly I don't think I am beholden to explain or justify this decision to anyone who isn't affected by it.

But I do it anyway, 'cause every childfree blogger's gotta have the BINGO post!

Hope you loved it.

The angry is back!

2009-05-31T20:59:00.007-04:00

I realized that I have not blogged in four months. It is truly appalling. These are the reasons:

1. I got married. Thanks, send money.

2. I have had really really really bad writer's block.

3. Facebook and Twitter are a little easier to maintain.

4. I'm lazy.

5. I'm about to go through a major move, so most of my free time has been given over to stress.

There. And even though I am facing a time where I am potentially dealing with a very long loss of internet, I feel like I must blog a few more times.

Plus, the angry is back. It's back in full force, for many reasons. Would you like the reasons? Here they are:

1. The shooting of Dr. George Tiller. At his fucking CHURCH, no less. How fucking low do you have to be?

2. Even lower: Operation Rescue's reaction to the shooting of Dr. Tiller. Really, Randall Terry?He just brought it on himself? REALLY. Wow. I just wonder what compels them all.

3. Of course we all know that they upheld Prop. 8 in California. Fucking fuckhole fuckers. This makes me so angry I can't even articulate. Seriously, all that's in my head is AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHFUCKERSAAAARRRRRGH. It continues to blow my mind that people who are NOT EVEN INVOLVED in other peoples lifestyles CONFUCKINGTINUE to interfere in them.

4. Fucking religion. I move closer and closer to total atheism every day. I think you can be a spiritual atheist. I might just start calling myself that.

5. An article written by one Carol Sarler of the Daily Mail about how childfree people are inhuman. I will link to the article. But I'm also preparing to take the piss out of it. Here's your length warning. And if you're childfree, here's also your warning that you will feel insulted, offended and upset at this woman's choice of words. It's by far the most disgusting anti-childfree article I've ever read.

This is not someone's blog, now. This is actually a column, in a well-known publication. The obvious hatred this woman feels for us shines through in every sentence. She's green (with envy, you know it) and I am red (with fiery bloody anger.) I've also edited out some superfluous paragraphs, so if you want to read the article uncut, click here.

Much as I like to trumpet the importance of a woman's right to choose all things at all times, there's one choice I simply cannot understand: the choice of an otherwise sane and healthy woman not to have children.

Well, it's good you got the hypocrisy out in the air, lady. I can choose to punch you in the face, and you're okay with that, but I choose to live my life the way I see fit and you can't get that? Is that how it works?

If a would-be mother is a singleton of 40 who decides to have a baby without a partner, I might wish she'd thought of it sooner and prepared for it better - but I understand.

If she's half of a lesbian couple who 'borrows' the wherewithal, I might cross my fingers that the child is not teased at school - but I understand. Even if she's a 66-year- old pregnant pensioner, threatening to turn motherhood into a freak show, I might (indeed, I do) think she's monstrously selfish and dangerously wrong - but again, more or less, I understand.

This is just mind-boggling. Mind-boggling. She's more understanding of someone turning motherhood--something she considers sacred--into a freak show than she is of someone who decides to divorce themselves from said freak show?

Yet if she says she hasn't a shred of maternal feeling in her, moreover, if she says she would prefer to concentrate on her career and that a child would only get in the way of it, then my head might acknowledge her right to do so. But my heart whispers: 'Lady, you're weird.'

My head understands your feelings on this subject. After all, it's amazing to me that anyone would want to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out their vagina and then have to clean up its poo and vomit for years. Hey, I clean up after my cat, so I understand. But you know what my heart whispers? "Lady, you are a nosy, judgemental, interfering sack of cunts." My heart has a pretty blue vocabulary.

It was welcome news, therefore, to discover this week that I am not alone. Research conducted over six years shows that far from bosses and colleagues always being suspicious of a working mother, the opposite is becoming true: it is the childless woman who is regarded as cold and odd.

What research? Care to cite that? Oh, wait, YOU NEVER DO DURING THE COURSE OF THE ENTIRE ARTICLE. So you'll pardon me if I find your facts and statistics and assumptions to be just a LITTLE one-sided. Now it is true that childfree women are regarded as odd if they're in a workplace full of childed people. Because they don't have a whole lot of say in an office conversation about poopy fucking diapers, do they? So because they don't coo over baby pictures and feel up the preggo bellies of their co-workers, they're considered odd and standoffish by their cliquey co-workers. Not a whole lot of effort is made by the mommies to include non-mommies into their little world. And if you can't, that's not a bad thing. CF people don't necessarily want to be included in a conversation about soiled nappies and toddler vomit. But something we also don't want is to be vilified because we don't fit in. Which is pretty much what this self-described "VERY outspoken mother and former boss" does over the course of this so-called article.

Yeah, it gets worse.

As a result, it is these single-track careerists who are increasingly likely to be vilified, refused jobs and denied promotion because many employers believe them to lack what the study calls 'an essential humanity'. And I know exactly what they mean.

Yep. Not only are we cold and odd, but we're also inhuman. That's lovely, isn't it? It's a wonderful thing to be called. She goes on. It sickens me to copy/paste it, but you've got to see it to believe it.

In the little hothouse of my own trade as a hack (I must at least mention that I appreciate the honesty and integrity of this statement, because by dog, you are indeed a hack), I play a game with myself. Reading all the other female scribblers, sometimes with grudging admiration and sometimes none at all, I try to guess from their expression of their world view whether or not they are mothers.

I haven't - yet - been wrong. Now, with MPs so much in the headlines, I've extended the game and started to guess about the women among them, too.As far as I can tell, my score is also pretty high there - even though it's just a feeling. On both sides of the political divide, as with the writers, it's not what MPs say or do, so much as how they go about it.

'Mothers bring something extra.'

And if that touch of 'essential humanity' - or its absence - colours such notably tough professions, it's hardly surprising that employers are starting to notice that the same applies across the spectrum of workplaces.

Wow. My only reaction to this self-righteous smug-fest is wow. Because what it pretty much implies is that the people who are mothers say things that Mrs. Sarler likes, and finds to be morally sound. The things that the inhuman, incomplete, barren and bitter childfree and childless do and say, however... well, she sees those things are very bad indeed. Let us be further enlightened by her amazing superior mind, shall we? For the mind of a mother is always resting on a higher moral plane. Oh yes indeed.

Besides which, in my experiences both as a colleague and an employer, I have found that mothers almost always bring something extra to the job, to the benefit of all.

It's not the mothers, for a start, who are going to turn up late and hungover after a night on the razz; they'll have been up, dressed and alert for hours, having cooked a family breakfast and delivered their children to school. On time.

What fucking June Cleaver fucking dimension are you living in, lady? Because--and no insult to my own mother, who did the best she could and I love her--that shit never happened to me growing up. And how fucking insulting, to just assume that ALL childfree people are out partying every night? We're not all twenty years old, you know. You think just because we don't choose to take on the responsibility of raising another human being, we're just naturally irresponsible people? Amazing. Way to generalize, bitch. Not only about the childfree, but about parents as well. Not every mommy is up at the crack of dawn scrambling eggs for her babies, just as every childfree person isn't out partying till the crack of dawn every night without a care in the world.

It's not the mothers, usually, who run the office bitch-fest.

Really. Every situation I've been in suggests otherwise. You know who runs the office bitch-fest? The bitches. Both the mommies and the non-mommies. That's why they call it a bitch-fest, because it's a festival the bitches run. I'm sure you know, because you must have run a few yourself, Mrs. Sarler.

They're not there to compete for the attentions of the male executives; they're there to get out of the house; they're there because they genuinely enjoy some adult company; and they're there because they have mouths to feed other than their own and shoes to buy for someone else's feet.

Oh, of course, because all childfree women are cock-hungry bitch-festers, right? First of all, a great deal of CF women--in fact, most of the CF women I know--are in committed, stable relationships and aren't looking for an office fling because they're perfectly happy at home. They get to have sex whenever and wherever they want in their house because they won't be interrupted by or disturb their children. They have time to spend with each other and devote it to strengthening their relationship. Even to assume that a single CF woman has nothing more on her mind than chasing office cock is insulting in the extreme. We do have households to support, too. Granted, our expenses aren't as high as those of someone who has a few extra air-breathers running around, but they do exist, and we do have motivation to get to work so that we can maintain them. So that argument is pretty fucking weak, lady.

But rarely have I encountered a mother who did not offer to make up time lost, often in lunch hours. As for leaving on time, put enough mothers together in one workplace and you'll get rid of the ghastly ethos of 'presenteeism', whereby people vie for plaudits based solely on how late - albeit often uselessly - they hang around the office.

Yes, because the childfree women of the working world have nothing better to do than just hang around the office late racking up extra hours so they can pay for all the martinis they imbibe when they're out partying all night. Like a fucking mom wouldn't do that if they could get away with it. We're all at our jobs to make money. And the childfree are just as likely to be staying late, getting the work that the mommies couldn't stay and finish because they had to go pick up Bratley Junior at daycare. That's right, bitch, generalization works both ways.

You cannot be a mother without knowing something about selflessness, compassion, generosity, commitment, fierce loyalty and plain hard work. You cannot - surely - be a boss and not value assets such as those in your staff.

Oh, you can be a mother and still lack all those qualities. I mean, it would be nice if everyone's mom had these qualities, but I could link you to a million stories that prove otherwise. And surely a lot of employers out there realize that if a person, male or female, has these qualities, they are not exclusive to parents. Except for you, of course, Mrs. Sarler. I expect you wouldn't have hired someone like me, despite my record of being dependable, loyal, hard-working and selfless (damn right I'm tooting my own horn here, I know how fucking good I am) because I've never gotten knocked up. And I'm therefore inhuman and incapable of truly being in touch with humanity.

But, more than all the things we want, we actually need our children; they complete us as women, they are our light and our love and our legacy.

We feel desperately sorry for those who yearn for children they cannot have; the unwilling barren, if you will. But when we meet a woman who chooses her childlessness in the belief that there is something out there worth more, we smile politely even while - once again - our guts whisper: 'Lady, you're weird.'

Last time it was your heart whispering. You mean your guts whisper, too? How unique. You must be the Internal Organs Whisperer. Hey, you know what? I'm not weird. I'm myself. I'm me. I have my own individuality, I choose not to play the role of breeder and let my offspring define who I am. And you're jealous as hell about it because you played the game, you didn't think you had the choice, and you are fooling yourself into thinking you're the greatest thing since cable television just because your body performed a biological function and you popped one out. Not only that, but because some women choose not to have their body go through this biological function, you claim that we are not really true women, that we're incomplete. If we can't have babies, we get your pity and sympathy, but if we don't want babies, you somehow think that we're less human than you are. You know what? I think that's pretty fucking weird, lady.

So three cheers for the employers who are catching on, the ones who don't want to people their workforces with the cold, the calculating, the sad and the mad. The only question is: what took you so long?

Oh, well, I don't know... maybe they were busy trying to hire people who would show up for work on time, work hard without starting office bitch-fests, and stay loyal to their company. According to you, of course, only a mother can be this kind of person. Guess I might as well give up trying to be a good employee, then, because only a mommy can really do my job.

I can't even begin to describe the hurt I felt in my heart when I read this article. I got pretty fucking pissed off, too, but honestly I'm more upset and offended than anything else. The thought that there are more people out there... shallow, soulless judgemental people like Mrs. Sarler who feel this way about someone else's life choice really, seriously hurts my heart and soul. All this judgement about a life that they are not going to live, about a life that is not even going to affect their own. To me, that's pretty fucking sad. I am really really sorry for you, Mrs. Sarler, you and all your judgemental, small-minded ilk. You can't look at someone who is different from you, who thinks differently from you, and tolerate it. You might say you can; you can go on and on about a woman's freedom to make a choice all the livelong day, but in the end, if you can't accept the childfree, then you can't make the claim that you're open-minded. You certainly can't make the claim that you are compassionate and understanding.

If you made the claim that you're a giant sack of cunts, though... well, that's something I can agree with wholeheartedly.

***UPDATE***

Heh, apparently I'm not alone in denouncing this deplorable article. And not the first. Which in my mind is a very good thing. So I feel like I should mention that this subject has been mentioned over at Childfree Clique, Childfreedom, By Choice, and Like It Is. Any other blogs that have mentioned what total bullshit this article was will be gladly linked here, as I find them, and as you give 'em to me. Yeah.

Interview with the El Sidpire... wow. That was pretty terrible.

2009-02-26T16:09:00.007-05:00

All right, this is getting out about a week later than I intended it to, but my excuses are many and mostly valid. The best excuse is that I was really sick Thursday night, recovered Friday day, then got even sicker Friday night and all day Saturday. Plus the other times I was working, and I got worn out from work really fast 'cause I'd been sick. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Don't bother with any sympathy, though, honestly, I'm fine now. I like being fussed over when I am sick, but after the fact I don't care for it; I just want to forget it happened.

So, let's not talk about it anymore! Let's talk about being INTERVIEWED! Yay!

These questions came to me from Margot at The Thoughts Of A Jersey Girl, who had, in her turn, been interviewed by another blogger. It's one o' them fun things going around in bloggyland, apparently, though I'm sure I'm way late to the party. But that's the way I am, son. That's how I roll. I roll in fashionably late.

Right. Let's get on to it before I get even more ridiculous:

1)You have the option to move anywhere in the world - job and money provided - where do you go?

I would go to New Zealand, probably. No, I've never been there before. I have no idea if it sucks or not. But every picture I've seen of the place is pure beauty. Especially the areas where they filmed the Lord Of The Rings movies... every bit of it seemed familiar and true. That's probably because it exists exactly as I always imagined Middle Earth to be. Hey, this is a whole fantasy scenario here anyway, so why not?

2) Who was the one person you couldn't stand when you were in school?

Just one? Ah ha ha ha... seriously, though, I can't hold a grudge like that. I don't care enough about the people who teased me or were mean to me to even remember who upset me the most at the time. I mean, if you'd asked me this question when I was thirteen I would probably have given you a very different answer! But as it is, I have no hard feelings about any of it... it's just part of what kids do. Some of them are still rotten bullies, I'm sure, but I know that more of them either regret making fun of me and the other dorky dweebasaurs or they just don't think about it anymore.

3) You are going to visit President Obama to bring some importantproblem to his attention that he'll take immediate action to - what is the topic?

Overpopulation. It's a very controversial point, but it's something I feel strongly about. I honestly feel that overpopulation is one of the greatest contributing factors to every major problem our country--and, indeed, even the world--is facing. Too many people use up too many resources and cause too much pollution. And no one wants to admit it because they're all hung up on their "life is preeeeshious" preconditioning. It'd be nice if people would just admit that overpopulation is a serious environmental threat and responsible breeding (having two or less children) is a way to live green and reduce this carbon footprint everyone's so hung up on.

This is a really great article on the subject: Population: The Elephant In The Room.

4) You are offered a job at Ben & Jerrys to create ice cream flavors, what is the first new flavor?

Blood and Chocolate. It would be an Elvis Costello tribute, and it would be a toffee ice cream with chocolate truffle chunks and a dark reddish-amber caramel swirl. The caramel would also have sea salt in it. IT WOULD BE THE MOST DELICIOUS THING EVER. Elvis Costello will think I am awesome for coming up with it and write a song about me. Then, the pink unicorns will take me on a ride over the moon with their rainbow wings.

5) What got you into beading?

I had always been interested in it, but very intimidated, and very ignorant. Before I got a job at a bead store, I just made these weak little strung necklaces on thread. But when I actually learned the basics, I got immersed into it... it's just been very satisfying for me artistically. All the colors, the textures, the materials, the possibilities... they just fascinate me. I can't imagine ever giving it up. To me, it's more than a hobby... more than an obsession, even. My life revolves around beads. That's just the way it is.

All right! You loved it! Yes, you learned all sorts of new things. Oh, and hey, guess what? You have the opportunity to learn EVEN MORE. Any of you are welcome to interview me... just shoot me an e-mail or leave me a comment with your five questions (I don't check my e-mail that much, just warning you now.) Any of you are also welcome to be interviewed by me, also! It's a good thing to blog if you can't think of anything to blog, you know.

Another fun fact, I am terrible at ending blog entries. So I'm just gonna end it. Yeah.

A test and a teaser.

2009-02-26T15:37:00.005-05:00

First of all, my ears are awesome... I think.

Created by Train Horn

Second of all, I am working on a new blog which may or may not see the light of day today. I was going to start doing it last night, but got distracted and ended up listening to music and playing Free Cell for two hours. Eh, sometimes you gotta just let the ol' mind go.

But! You will want to stay tuned for this next blog, because. I am being interviewed! Yes indeed, Margot from The Thoughts Of A Jersey Girl has asked me questions, and I shall respond unto them.

Until then, prepare to laugh harder at this than you have at anything in your entire fucking life:

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

Man, I love The Onion.

AND WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT...

I would be very much amiss if I did not note that today is the 15th anniversary of the death of William Melvin Hicks, who I consider to be one of the greatest minds of this century. He was so much more than just a comedian, he was an enlightened and beautiful soul.

My friend Jay over at Foward To Death wrote a really moving entry about Bill Hicks, so please go and read it. But first, enjoy another video. This is taken from a documentary about Bill narrated by Jeneane Garafalo, and includes Bill's last live performance before his death in 1994.

I never understood why Letterman never aired that. Until recently, fifteen years later. He had Mary Hicks, Bill's mother, on the show, and apologized profusely, and finally aired the tape. Previously, the original tape had been destroyed, and Mary Hicks was sent the only copy. I'm going to go ahead here and post all three videos of Letterman's interview with Mary Hicks and the airing of Bill's banned performance. Enjoy!

Crossposted, like the stars crossing paths, in the night, on Facebook.

2009-02-22T14:43:00.004-05:00

Album art fun!!!

To Do This:
1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

And there ya go. By the way, the Valea Caselor River is a tributary of the Moldova river in Romania. The quote was from Oscar Wilde: "We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities." The art apparently is hanging in someone's hallway, held up with pushpins.

It's really not that far off from how I would figure out my own band and album name, if ever a thing were to occur.

I actually have another non-ranting picture-based post in the works, but it'll likely have to wait for tomorrow. It will be fun. I will enjoy it. And so will you.

For now, just remember: Everyone is stupid and deserves to die.

I'm giving this bitch far too much attention.

2009-02-16T00:05:00.003-05:00

But it just gets more and more fucktarded the more I hear about it.

I mean FUUUUUUCKtarded.

Oh, I read the Wikipedia page on Octocunt (I decided to start calling her that. You likey? You likey) in a little more depth today, and noticed a brief paragraph where, though she denies it, she's apparently tried to get in contact with Angelina Jolie several times. I imagine the messages that might end up on Angie's voice mail....

"Angelina! Did you get my letters? I sent ten of them yesterday, did you get them? I named all my children after you, Angelina! I named them all Angelina and Angel and Ange and Lina and Angie and Jolie and Ina and Jo! I can give you one if you want one! I've got plenty! I've got more than you've got! I have some extra donated breast milk, do you want it? I can send you some of mine if you'd rather have some of mine! Angelina! I love you! I want to cut your skin off and wear it to my birthday party!"

I'm such a sarcastic ass. You love me.

Oh, and it's nice to see that some parents were as put off by Octocunt as I am... though I must say they're much nicer about it. The woman who wrote the article I linked for your pleasure in the previous sentence came up with some questions I think should have been asked. Granted I know this article was written by someone who saw only the soft-core interview that aired on Today and not, apparently, the slightly less edited for the morning crowd version that aired on Dateline the next night. Still... pretty good questions, I think. Now I know Octocunt is too busy spending 45 minutes holding every single one of her zerglings every day and telling them she loves them while her parents look after her other fifty million hive creatures, so I've taken it upon myself to answer these questions on her behalf, in a sickening shade of pink. I feel it's the least I can do to help.

From the article:

1. Have you purchased infant seats for your babies yet?

Oh, well, I'm waiting on a infant seat manufacturer to give them to me, but if all fails I guess I'll see if they'll take food stamps for them. But they'll be okay, because my LOVE for them will keep them strapped in safe and tight no matter where we go!

2. What vehicle will you use to transport all of them?

Oh, well, since my parent's 3-bedroom house is big enough for my six current children and the eight that are coming, I figure I'll just use whatever car I've got already. If I pack them in there enough, I won't even need child saftey seats! They're already used to being all squished together in my uterus anyway!

3. Have you contacted your health insurance provider yet to get your children signed up for your health care plan?

I sure did! Thanks, Uncle Sam!

4. Did you check with your city's zoning commission to confirm that 15 people are permitted to occupy a three-bedroom, single family house?

What? I'm sorry, that's not my problem, it's not my house. I'm too busy loving my children. I spend all my time with them, you know. Everything I do revolves around them. I'm going to take them to Magical Unicorn Pony Sunshine Land every day to play with Angelina and Brad's children and give them all magic lollies because I will have a high-paying job and will be able to afford to buy them lollies and popsicles any time they want and I will tell them I love them for ever and ever and ever and ever!

5. If, by your own admission, your parents gave you such a dysfunctional childhood, why are you entrusting them with the care of your older children?

Oh, well, you see I love my children far more than my parents ever loved me. So it doesn't matter if other people who don't love them as much as I do watch them, because I love them enough, so my love will protect them from all the dysfunction now so it's okay.

6. Who would have legal custody of all 14 of your children should something happen to you?

But nothing will ever happen to me! God will watch over us all and make us all safe forever and ever and we will live in Magical Unicorn Pony Rainbow Happy Lolly Land with Angelina and Brad and all the children will scamper through the morning dew and brighten the universe with their smiles! So it's just silly to ask me that question, don't even ask it.

7. When you finally do earn your Master's degree, what sort of salary could you expect to earn once you get a job?

Oh, well, of course by the time I finish my schooling I will have just the most amazing job in the world and be able to provide for all my children. Of course if I was really smart I would have gotten the education and the job first before I started squirting them out, but since my children are gifts from God and the angels obviously they have to come first.

8. Have you arranged for daycare or another childcare provider should your parents decide not to babysit your children?

Of course, that's why I write to Angelina every day! I'm sure she'll help, she has at least seven nannies! But if not, I'm sure the government has a program. Oh, it's not taking money from taxpayers! It's government assistance, and that's TOTALLY different!

9. Have you discussed the octuplets' arrival with your older children?

Oh, they're all retarded so they wouldn't understand.

10. How will you support your family if the big corporate sponsorships and donations don't come through for you?

Well, there's always my sickeningly hideous smarmy website, where stupid goobs like me who think that the only thing in the world that matters is squirting out babies can give me donations. Once I finish my education I'll be able to get a job that will provide for all of them, and once Angelina realizes that we were seperated at birth and accepts me as a sister we can all live in Happy Magical Unicorn Fairy Princess Pony Rainbow Sunshine Ice Cream land in our Sparkling Wonder Gemstone Princess Castle together forever!!!!

She's livin' in a fantasy world, seriously. Who the fuck is going to hire a single mother of 14!

Notice that all the octoswarm babies' names end in the letter "H" and sound vaugely biblical. This disturbs me. It's always the funditards who breed like fucking bunnies, isn't it? And for some reason, give their children alliterative names.

Someone get a gun and shoot me. I don't think I want to live in this world with these people anymore. It'll be easier if I just leave. Fucking hell.

So many rantings... so little time.

2009-02-12T11:14:00.006-05:00

Knowing me like I know you do, I am sure you are curious as to why I have not yet ranted about that fucking evil stupid idiot bitch who had the octuplets. Well, first of all, there is not enough room in the entire internets to capture the contempt and disgust I feel for this woman. Second of all, no one wants to read an entire blog post of incoherent paragraphs of key mashing, death threats, and curse words. All in caps. Third of all, this mentally incompetent idiot cunt and her twat hatchlings have gotten far, far, far FAR too much attention.

Therefore, for these three very valid reasons, I had planned to refrain from ranting about her. But... dammit, I can't fight this feeling anymore. (If you get an REO Speedwagon stuck in your head I apologize. It's there in mine, too.) I can't help but rant about her. Jesus, this idiot represents everything I loathe about irresponsible breeding and the media attention it recieves.

Speaking of media attention, here's an article! You know how I do it.

LOS ANGELES – Los Angeles police say they will investigate death threats against octuplet mom Nadya Suleman.

Police Lt. John Romero says Thursday that officers are meeting with Suleman's publicist Mike Furtney about the flood of angry phone calls and e-mail messages.

Word that the 33-year-old single, unemployed mother is receiving public assistance to care for the 14 children she conceived through in vitro fertilization has stoked furor among many people.

So not only is she wasting taxpayer money to get support for 14 children that SHE GOT IMPLANTED WITH ON PURPOSE, she's wasting more of it paying police officers to investigate death threats against her. Great. Like she didn't bring this on herself. Like she's just an innocent little lamb in all this. Poor poor thing. I just weep for her.

Furtney says 500 new e-mails were received early Thursday.

Only 500? Shit, those were probably all from me. In spirit, anyway.

"We're talking to the Los Angeles Police Department to get their best advice as to how to regard these messages," Furtney said as the phone in his office rang constantly.

He is also consulting with a security professional to get advice on any precautions that might need to be taken.

Furtney says Suleman is living in an undisclosed location and spends time with all of her kids every day. He says not all of the calls are angry. One family from the Midwest has invited Suleman and her brood to live on their farm.

Her brood. How appropriate.

"One thing that keeps me from jumping out the window is that we've heard from many people offering some kind of support: clothing, food, financial or other help," Furtney said.

Oh, ha ha, that's funny, Mr. Furtney. Because, ironically enough, your client makes me want to jump out the window! BECAUSE SHE PAID FOR IN-FUCKING-VITRO AND THEN EXPECTS THE GOVERNMENT TO HELP HER RAISE HER SWARM! GAAAAH!

Suleman has been supporting her six other children with $490 a month in food stamps and receives Social Security disability payments for three of the youngsters that could total $2,379 a month. She has estimated her in vitro fertilization procedures have cost $100,000.

Fucking bitch. You know how much good $100,000 dollars would do people--hell, children--who are ALREADY HERE? But noooooo, she's gotta add to her collection. This woman is SICK. She needs help. And the only motherfuckers I hate more in this instance than her are the fucking soulless pieces of garbage that let her keep getting the in vitro, despite the fact that she's single, unemployed and living with her parents in a goddamn 3-bedroom house.

Suleman has said she saved for the treatments by working double shifts and also used money from a disability award exceeding $165,000 that she received after an on-the-job back injury.

Yeah, what they don't mention here for some reason was the fact that she was working at a mental institution. That's her field. Mental fucking health. Unbelievable. Mentally unhealthy people are taking care of mentally unhealthy people. And you best believe I know this stupid moo cunt is mentally unhealthy. No sane person would behave in the manner she has. If she was obesssing over any other thing besides having children, then she would be considered mentally unstable.

The benefits were discontinued last year.

The Suleman octuplets' medical costs have not been disclosed, but in 2006, the average cost for a premature baby's hospital stay in California was $164,273, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Eight times that equals $1.3 million. For a single mother, the cost of raising 14 children through age 17 ranges from $1.3 million to $2.7 million, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

Let's think about that for a moment. Let's just... try to wrap our heads around this a little bit. This stupid cuntlip went and got herself knocked up on PURPOSE, multiple times... despite the fact that she's single, living with her parents in a TINY house, and already has 6 children and is mooching off the government.

Can we do it? Can we manage the head-wrapping? Because I'll be perfectly fuckin' honest with you... my head can't fit around that kind of thinking. I suppose this is a good thing, because if I could understand what she WAS thinking, I would be a stupid fucking irresponsible self-centered headcase, too.

I never, ever, ever, in a million or more years (for I am immortal) thought that I would have anything resembling respect for people like the Duggar family. (click if you dare...) After all, in my mind, having more children than you need or than the world needs is a cardinal fucking sin, and warrants expulsion from my church. BUT. At least the fucking Duggars take care of themselves. They don't expect the state to take care of their filthy swarm of waterhead funditards. And at least they have them one at a fucking time.

But this idiot fucking bitch dumbass cuntbubble decided to go ahead and get pregnant artificially and then claim that her children are a blessing from God! Uh... yeah, from PLAYING God. She apparently doesn't think she's selfish at all. I didn't watch the interview with Ann Curry, though it was on when I came home from work. I did catch this part, which was reproduced at the end of the article I just linked in the previous sentence. I'm glad her oldest kid has a little sense:

6-year-old Amerah told “Dateline” that she didn’t think eight more siblings is a good idea.

“Do you think it'll be fun to have a lot of brothers and sisters like that?” Curry asked.

“No,” Amerah said.

“Why not?”

“'Cause there's gonna be a lot of crying.”

“Do you think your mom's going to be okay with all those kids all the time?”

“She's gonna be stressed out all the time,” Amerah opined.

That kid is 6 years old and has more sense than her own mother. I feel sorry for her. She's gonna end up being the primary babysitter.

Little advice, Amerah? It's never too late to start smoking weed.

Really? Is it really that big of a deal?

2009-01-26T20:06:00.004-05:00

***Begin Disclaimer***

I wrote this blog in a haze of sleeplessness and anger, just so you know. Any typos or misused words are the fault of exhaustion and steaming bitch rage.

***End Disclaimer***

Some of you may have noticed that we have a new president now. I think I heard something about his inaguration on the news. I know not everyone is fond of him or the things he does. We'll always have that. I happen to like him. I happen to like him quite a bit, though I know some of you don't. It's cool. I'm sure there's a lot of things that you like that I don't care for in the least.

But the thing is, and here's the thing... I respect that other people have a different point of view from me. I don't think any less of them as people, or at least I try not to. I treat them as they would like to be treated, because, in the words of the President, "That's how I roll."

So you can understand why this article pissed me off so much... let me break it down for ya.

(Jan. 23) - Not everyone was happy with President Barack Obama's nod to nonbelievers and non-Christians in his inaugural address. And some of the stiff criticism about Obama’s religious inclusiveness is coming from African-American Christians who maintain that no, all faiths were actually not created equal.

And it's this additude that's gotten us in nearly every single bloody war we've ever fought. As George Carlin once said: "My God has a bigger dick than your God."

"For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness," the new president said. "We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this earth," he also said. Nothing too controversial, proclaiming that America's lies in its diversity.

But between those two statements, the new president got specific: "We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus, and non-believers."

My own reaction to his use of "non-believers" was "I wish he'd just have called us athiests and agnostics... "non-believers" is so condescending. But apparently if he'd done THAT... if he'd actually uttered the deplorable "A" word, he would have apparently lost some support from his people. I mean... now I'm just pleased that he even mentioned us at all.

By mentioning, for the first time in an inaugural address, the 16.1 percent of Americans who check "no"’ when asked about religion, Obama turned it into the most controversial line in his speech -- praised by The New York Times editorial board and cited by some Christians as evidence that he is a heretic, and in his well-spoken way, a serious threat.

Wait... wait... he's seen as a heretic because he was actually being inclusive? That he was showing that he cared about all the people in the country he's representing? That he was reaching out to people who do not share his personal views? Oh, of course, what blasphemy! Doesn't sound at ALL like something CHRIST MIGHT DO, does it?

With that one line, the president "seems to be trying to redefine American culture, which is distinctively Christian," said’ Bishop E.W. Jackson of the Exodus Faith Ministries in Chesapeake, Va. "The overwhelming majority of Americans identify as Christians, and what disturbs me is that he seems to be trying to redefine who we are.’"Earlier this week, Jackson was a guest on the popular conservative Christian radio show 'Janet Parshall's America,' where a succession of callers, many of whom identified themselves as African-American, said they shared the concern, and were perplexed and put off by the president’s shout-out to nonbelievers.

What an ASS! Where do I start? Oh, well, let's start with the obvious... if the majority of Americans indentify as Christian, where does that leave the rest of us? Are we somehow not REAL Americans if we don't go to a Christian church? Are we suddenly not part of the culture of the country we WERE BORN AND RAISED IN? So... wait... that makes us a minority, does it not? So you're saying, basically, if you're in a minority in this country, you don't deserve to be a part of it. If you don't wear a cross, fuck you, you're not an American. Seems like a pretty funny point of view to take, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE BLACK, YOU ASS. Here, substitute the word "white" for the word "Christian" in that statement and remember that people were saying things like THAT about people like you fifty years ago. In everyday, polite conversation.

The president was not trying to redefine American culture with those statements, he was attempting, if anything, to unify it. So get in line and hold hands, you asshole.

Parshall noted that atheists were celebrating the unexpected mention, and indeed they were: "In his inaugural address … President Barack Obama did what many before him should have done, rightly citing the great diversity of America as part of the nation's great strength, and including 'nonbelievers'’ in that mix,’" said Ed Buckner of American Atheists."His mother would have been proud,"’ Buckner said, referring to the fact that Obama’s mother was not a church-goer. "And so are we."

And so am I.

Jackson said he and others have no problem acknowledging that "this country is one in which everybody has the freedom to think what they want.’" Yet Obama crossed the line, in his view, in suggesting that all faiths (and none) were different roads to the same destination: "He made similar remarks in the campaign, and said, 'We are no longer a Christian nation, if we ever were. We are a Jewish, Hindu and non-believing nation.'

"Not so, Jackson says: "Obviously, Jewish heritage is very much a part of Christianity; the Jewish Bible is part of our Bible. But Hindu, Muslim, and nonbelievers? I don't think so. We are not a Muslim nation or a nonbelieving nation."’

Everyone does have the freedom to think what they want. And you, Mr. Jackson, are perfectly entitled to your elitist, uninclusive, blinkered, short-sighted point of view. Just don't be so surprised when you find out that everyone doesn't share your point of view and is in fact a little pissed off that you treat them like shit because they don't conform to your ideals.

And sorry to burst your little bubble, but it's not for you to say what nation this is. It's not just yours. It belongs to everyone that lives in it, everyone that was born in it, everyone who contributes to it. Not only that, dumbass, but it's pretty common knowledge at this point in history that the founders of this nation were not all Christian; the majority of them in fact were agnostics and theists.

With all the focus on Obama as the first African-American president, the succession of black callers to Janet Parshall's show was a reminder that the "community"’ is not a monolith, and that many socially conservative black Americans are at odds with Obama's views, particularly on abortion and gay rights. Nor do they all define civil rights in the same way.The Rev. Cecil Blye, pastor of More Grace Ministries Church in Louisville, Ky., said the president's reference to nonbelievers also set off major alarm bells for him. "It's important to understand the heritage of our country, and it's a Judeo-Christian tradition," period.

NO, Reverend Asshole. We all live in this country, and we all have different points of view. We all have different morals and ways of doing things and hairstyles and clothes and skin colors and birthmarks and accents and automobile accessories. BUT WE ALL LIVE HERE. We do indeed have the freedom to think what we want. And I think if you're going to have a unified nation, then you're gonna have to get down off your high horse and accept that there are other people who believe differently than you do.

But his even bigger beef with the president, he said, is that a disproportionate number of "black kids are dying each day through abortion. President Obama is supportive of abortion, and that's a genocide on black folks. Nobody wants to talk about that as a civil rights issue."

Wow. This guy is a fucking idiot. Actually quite a few people want to talk about abortion as a rights issue... women's rights. The right to choose. You know why a disproportionate number of black women are getting abortions? Because they have less access to birth control, because birth control costs money, and black people are living in a disproportionate amount of poverty. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, SHOULD BE A BIT MORE OF AN ISSUE FOR A BLACK CHRISTIAN TO TACKLE. How about we address THAT problem so that, oh, I don't know, all these black babies that you want to save will be able to eat real food and drink clean water and live in a house with a roof and a toilet that works. Let's try to fix the world and the society these precious babies are being born into before we get our panties in a wad about scraping a little congregation of cells off the inside of a uterus. Sound good? Mmmmkay.

Ugh, the hypocrisy galls me. Here are people who are supposedly fighting to be accepted in mainstream society, fighting misconceptions and indignities piled upon their race for generations. Here are people who have been calling for unity and acceptance... and what the fuck do they do? The moment one of their own--a Christian man of color--is elected to the highest office in the land, what do they do? They jump his shit for reaching out and calling for unity and acceptance.

Don't these assholes see it? Don't they understand that he isn't attempting to redefine America as a non-Christian nation in the least? He's showing them the true definition of America. We are a nation of many colors and creeds, and we always have been, right from the beginning. We never were a Christian nation... we've just always been a Christian-dominated nation. Now the dominion is fading, and those that want to keep the power most are the ones whining the most about losing it.

I like President Obama a lot, but I'm not thinking he's the second coming or anything. He's only a man... he can only do the things one man can do. He can't please us all, and he can't make us all get along. But, sorry for sounding like I'm kissing his ass, he's doing a damn fine job of considering everyone. I just hope he doesn't bend over backwards to pacify these religious bullies because they're a portion of his major voting block.

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." --Mohandas Karamchand Ghandi

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." --George Carlin

I just know these assholes are going to get their own TV special.

2009-01-17T20:46:00.005-05:00

In these hard times, a lot of us have found the value in cutting back on the amount of resources we use. We have gone without the things we wanted because we know they're superfluous and expensive.

So tell me, then... do you really HAVE to give birth to fucking QUINTS?

Yes, my friends, I'm about to take the piss out of an article again. It's yelly time. Enjoy the show, and watch out for flying head explody. Because, you know, this is the kind of thing that makes my head parts go boom.

Jones quintuplets arrive

Four girls and one boy born at Seton Medical Center Austin.

By Andrea Ball

AMERICAN-STATESMAN STAFF

(clicky for original article)

Austin, meet the Jones quintuplets: Ryan Elizabeth, Lila Addison, Brooklyn Faith, Jack William and Britton Grace.

Jesus titty-fuckin' Christ, would you look at these names. What the hell. I mean, it's not as bad as the Palin kids' names, but daaang. Ryan Elizabeth's going to be a lesbian, Lila Addison is going to grow up to write terrible murder mystery/romance novels, Brooklyn Faith is destined for the stripper's pole, Jack William's either going to be a used car salesman or a meat manufacturer, and Britton Grace is going to most likely end up in the top of a tower with a rifle yelling "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? WHO'S LAUGHING AT MY NAME NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS?!?!?" madly, red-eyed from years of ridicule and shame. Well, I know that's how I would have ended up if I'd been named Britton fucking Grace.

The four girls and one boy, all of whom weighed between 2 pounds, 2 ounces and 2 pounds, 13 ounces , were born shortly after noon Friday at Seton Medical Center in Austin with help from a team of about 30 doctors, nurses and medical professionals.

Thirty of them? Really? Seriously? All 'cause mama couldn't lay off the in vitro? You know there's a shortage of medical professionals right now. They would have probably been put to better use helping the people who find that ONE CHILD AT A TIME IS REALLY ENOUGH.

The infants, who are 10 weeks early, have the typical problems associated with prematurity, said Dr. Patrick Hodges , a neonatologist helping tend to the babies. They need help breathing and keeping a steady body temperature, but they are in stable condition and doing well, he said.

You know, if she'd given birth in the wild, wolves would have devoured all her young by now. It's the circle of life!

"We couldn't be happier," said Ethan Jones, the quintuplets' father.

Yeah, god knows what it's going to cost them in medical bills and how long the hatchlings are going to be in the hospital and being sickly children they'll probably all get sick at the same time and the amount of diapers they're going to go through, but they couldn't be happier! Is this some weird definition of the world "happy" that I haven't heard about? 'Cause lemme tell ya, happy for me, personally, is the exact opposite of what this guy has just described.

The quintuplets' mother, Casey Jones, underwent a Cesarean section and experienced no complications, said obstetrician Dr. Stephanie Reich . Jones is expected to leave the hospital in four or five days. The quintuplets are expected to remain in the hospital for several months, Hodges said.

I'm sure I was going to say something snarky here, too, but all I can think of is that Grateful Dead song. Casey Jones, you better watch your speed.

Although quintuplets are rare — about 70 sets of five or more babies were born in the United States in 2005 — they are not unheard of in Central Texas. In 2007, Rachelle and Jayson Wilkinson of Cedar Park had five babies.

They're really not so rare these days, not with in vitro and fertility treatments the way they are. So this paragraph is stupid, and I'm going to kick it in the nuts now.

Casey and Ethan Jones, who have been married almost 10 years, struggled with fertility problems before using intrauterine insemination to conceive their first daughter, 4-year-old Eliot. Last summer, the couple used the procedure again and got pregnant with quintuplets.

One's not enough for ya, huh? You just HAD to have FIVE MORE, didn't ya? Well thanks for popping out some more air-breathers, lady.

Doctors suggested the family consider "selective reduction" — a process by which some of the fetuses are aborted early in the pregnancy to reduce risks to the mother and other babies. They refused.

Because they're fucking stupid? I mean, they'd rather risk the lives of every single fetus AND the mother than just reducing the set down to twins? Even triplets would make more sense! Jeeesus, scrape a few extra cells out, lady! Your womb doesn't fucking belong to Wonder Woman! I mean, obviously, everything turned out fine, but I don't think these people have realized... they're givin' birth to FIVE premature, sickly children who need a ton of medical attention in the middle of the worst goddamn recession we have seen in quite some time. Plus, if they'd aborted some of those fetuses these poor babies might not have been saddled with those horrible names. Doesn't anyone care about the children anymore? I beg of you. Have an abortion today. Do it for the future. Do it for the children.

An American-Statesman story Thursday about the couple triggered a flood of positive and negative comments on the newspaper's Web site. Some criticized the couple for using insemination and for refusing to abort some of their babies. Some praised the Joneses' commitment to their children.

Yeah, real great commitment to your children, bringing them into a worldwide financial crisis and giving them stripper names.

The couple were also discussed on a local radio show, where people lobbed some of the same remarks.

Those comments stung, Ethan Jones said. But he said he thinks they are off-base.

No, they're all valid opinions, dude. And as much as I know this is your personal decision and you're the one who's gonna deal with five shit-factories, I still think you should get some fucking criticism for inflicting five more fucking cabbages on this planet when there's plenty of people already here that need to be cared for. And the Childfree are called selfish. Unbefuckinglievable.

The chances of becoming pregnant with quintuplets were astronomically low, he said. The pair never imagined this would happen but believed God created the babies for a reason, he said. The couple — who have received a lot of support from members of Riverbend Church — chose to share their story with the public because they wanted to show people how the faith community can rally together in times of need, Jones said.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait. GOD created the babies for a reason? Excuse me? YOU got the fertility treatments. YOU were the ones who went to medical science to boost your baby count when YOU were the infertile ones. Do you people EVER consider that possibly, JUST POSSIBLY, that it was GOD who made you infertile in the first fucking place? Did you ever consider that God was just like: "Nope, fuck this, there's no way I'm lettin' those idiots breed. They're gonna give all their children retarded-ass names and have too many of 'em. Infertility for you!" Oh, and the faith community rallies together in times of need? Let me ask you, is getting knocked up on purpose with a fucking litter really hard times? Are you really suffering through rough days if you can afford IN FUCKING VITRO treatments? Aren't there, oh, I don't know, people out there who need a LITTLE more help than a couple of goddamn idiots who wasted their money thwarting God's will?

Over the next few days, the couple plan to rest and focus on their new babies. Big sister Eliot will meet her siblings very soon, he said.

"She's very excited," he said. "I don't think she has a clue what she's in for."

Dude, I don't think YOU have a clue what you're in for. But, hey, it's your life.

Why are the mental faculties of these people not being questioned? Why do they get free shit just for cheating nature? Why do stories like this piss me off so much when it really should be none of my business? Well, I can at least answer that last one. It's none of my business what people do with their garbage, but I get pissed as hell when I see them littering.

Yes. I just compared giving birth to littering. And yes, I mean it. There are too many people on this planet and too little resources for them, and more and more babies are being born every day because "life is pweeeeshious". You know, if you really believed that, you would cherish the life of the things you kill to survive. You would cherish the woodlands and the animals we have, and not mow them down to make room for your McMansion communities and your shopping centers and your goddamn overpriced family restaurants. We are the litterbugs. Humanity is the pollution. And while I am not advocating culling the fold here, I am advocating a little more responsibility. If you really want a child, one or two is a responsible number. There's no need to be fruitful and multiply anymore. We kinda have that down pat. You don't even have to look at the population statistics to know there's too damn many people on this planet. All you gotta do is look at a Wal-Mart parking lot.

"Can you lay off the rutting until we figure out this whole food/air deal? THANK YOU!" --Bill Hicks

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss!

2009-01-14T14:00:00.002-05:00

So. I transferred this blog over to my suddenly brand new Google account blog profile thingy whatever. The only appreciable difference to you is that I have capital letters now and a new profile. This is just easier for me to do, since I don't even touch my other two blogs. And whenever I go to Blogger, Chrome automatically signs me in to the new account and I don't have to go through the bother of signing in. For some reason, in any browser I use, my old sign-in info won't autosave. And I likey autosave, I do.

Yes, I am so lazy that sometimes I did not even post here because I just didn't want to bother signing in. That is sad. You may weep for me now.

I might have a real post later. But for now, this is it. Yeah, woo.

Answers to the questions that burn inside you.

2009-01-06T14:23:00.003-05:00

So... what the fuck. I find out I have an entirely new Blogger account. I just started using Google Chrome as a browser (very nice, btw) and got me a gmail account and all manner of such fanciness... and I go to Blogger and it's got me signed in as El Sid but with an entirely different account? Uh... heh?

I just hope this won't prove to be a pain in the ass parts.

I started Twittering again! To celebrate, I will spend the next three hours trying to upload a new picture.

What else. It's cold and miserable outside and I want to just drink coffee until I explode in a warm rush of dark fluids. Figures my day off would be all wet and miserable. Ugh. I'm too blaaaah to even rant about things.

I thought about going ahead and posting the answers to the quote challenge in the previous blog, because I'm sure that everyone already saw the answers on my Facebook anyway. But here they are...

1. Harold And Maude (V got this one right)

2. Labyrinth (don't you wish David Bowie would say that to YOU? Well some of us do.)

3. The Lost Boys (Trash got that one correct)

4. The Adventures Of Baron Munchausen (this one was a little hard for anyone who's not as rabid of a Terry Gilliam fan as I am. this movie was considered to be a bit of a flop but I think it's fucking genius.)

5. Donnie Darko (all the cool kids like it but couldn't possibly explain it to you)

6. Blade Runner (nothing like the Philip K. Dick novel--Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?--it was based on, but both are excellent. Blade Runner is a little more sentimental and serious... Androids is a little more cynical and less empathic.)

7. The Big Lebowski (you were close enough, Trashman.)

8. Rushmore (my indie tits are showing)

9. Velvet Goldmine (I thought for SURE V would get this one.)

10. Pulp Fiction (Trash was all right on this one. Christopher Walken is awesome.)

11. Bubba Ho-Tep (everyone should see this movie now. NOW.)

12. Shaun Of The Dead (good guess, Trash, and correct as it turns out.)

13. Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas (Terry Gilliam strikes again!)

14. Army Of Darkness (second guess was right, Trashman.)

15. Edward Scissorhands (and V got this one right, too!)

Well, I sure hope that excited you, because man am I exhilarated right now.

Yeah, I suck. Thanks for the reminder.

2009-01-02T08:59:00.000-05:00

Well, all my promises to post regularly and rant about x-mas music pretty much got flushed down the shitter. Sorry about that. Fucking holidays. I hate them. But, you know, I had fun.

I'm gonna try this daily posting thing again. New year and all that. Should work, right? But since all my resolutions are doomed to fail, I don't resolve to do it. I'm just gonna do it. No more promises. That way I don't let anyone, least of all myself, down.

First we will begin with some lame filler shit. Whoo-hey! Okay, and it's not that lame... it's only lame because I posted it on Facebook first.

This looks like fun. LET US BY ALL MEANS HAVE THIS FUN!

1. Pick 15 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. NO GOOGLING or using IMDb search or other search functions. DON'T CHEAT!

1. "Tell me, how many of these, eh, "suicides" have you performed?"
"An accurate number would be difficult to gauge."
"Well, just give me a rough estimate."
"A rough estimate? I'd say fifteen."
"Fifteen?"
"That's a rough estimate."
"Were they all done for your mother's benefit?"
"No. No, I would not say benefit."

2. "I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."

3. "One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach... all the damn vampires."

4. "Why, why, why! Because it's all logic and reason now. Science, progress, laws of hydraulics, laws of social dynamics, laws of this, that, and the other. No place for three-legged cyclops in the South Seas. No place for cucumber trees and oceans of wine. No place for me. "

5. "Do you feel alone right now?"
"Oh, I dunno. I mean I'd like to believe I'm not but I just... I've just never seen any proof so I... I just don't debate it anymore, you know? It's like I could spend my whole life debating it over and over again, weighing the pros and cons and in the end I still wouldn't have any proof so I just... I just don't debate it anymore. It's absurd."
"The search for God is absurd?"
"It is if everyone dies alone."

6. "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die. "

7. "Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos."

8. " What do you call getting a handjob from Mrs. Calloway in the back of her Jaguar?"
"A fucking lie."
"You think I got kicked out because of just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you know what else? It was worth it."

9. "And on winding roads, in crowded clubs or hotel bar, this shipwreck of the streets rehearsed his future glory. A cigarette tracing a ladder to the stars."

10. "The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright, so he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you."

11. "I was dreamin'. Dreamin' my dick was out and I was checkin' to see if that infected bump on the head of it had filled with pus again. If it had, I was gonna name it after my ex-wife Priscilla and bust it by jackin' off. Or I'd like to think that's what I'd do. Dreams let you think like that. Truth was, I hadn't had a hard-on in years."

12. "How can you put your faith in a man you spectacularly binned for being unreliable? A man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing? It's... This is a pub! We are in a pub! What are we going to do?"

13. "There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."

14. "Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?"

15. "Will he be OK, Doc?"
"The years spent in isolation have not equipped him with the tools necessary to judge right from wrong. He's had no context. He's been completely without guidance. Furthermore, his work - the garden sculptures, hairstyles and so forth - indicate that he's a highly imaginative... uh... character. It seems clear that his awareness of what we call reality is radically underdeveloped."
"But will he be all right out there?"
"Oh yeah, he'll be fine."

These are all really pretty easy, especially if you know me.

bleeearrrgghh.

2008-12-08T10:56:00.001-05:00

This is gonna be a sucky week. The days I'm not working I'm going to have to be doing something that takes me away from my desk. Away from my desk means I am not beading. Not beading means that I am not making Xmess shit for people on time.

Fuckadoodle cracker.

I don't even know where that came from but I think it's hilarious.

Building up a huge rant about Christmas music, but I'm on borrowed time right now, so it ain't happening. Prepare yourselves. It will be shallow and ridiculous. You will love it and agree with every bit of it. If you do not, you are worthless and pathetic and beneath me.

Music snobbery will be unleashed like a hurricane on a tropical island.

TOTAL FAIL.

2008-12-07T09:52:00.002-05:00

Well, so much for my injuction to post every day. Ah, well, I tried. Saturday was just too much. Actually, Friday night was just too much and Saturday was even more. But damn, did I have fun.

However, I do like this little daily short post thing I've been doing. Gives me a sense of accomplishment. And that I will take for free, any time, even for something as common as posting on a blog.

But this blog isn't just about me. It's about me hating people. So even though this is yet another short, sassy little post, let me get my daily venom in. Ahem. Children are disgusting and vile, and they grow up to be even worse as adults. Why you would want one instead of a puppy I have no idea.

Seriously, I don't like children. But then again, I don't like people, so that's probably why.

I have to go and work with the public now.

Bleah.

Satan's Fingers...

2008-12-05T15:48:00.002-05:00

And The Killers! And The Hospital Bombers!

Dude, I've had this song in my head all day.

I get to go dancing tonight wheeeeee!

But not to The Mountain Goats. Though if I could get away with opening a Mountain Goats disco, I totally would.

HAIL SATAN! TONIGHT! HAIL HAIL!

No time for love, Doctor Jones!

2008-12-04T17:26:00.002-05:00

This is, as promised, a very short post.

I just have one question to share with you all. One.

If you had a kid in a room full of small chokable, breakable items, would you give them one of those items as a toy to distract them from their hideous piercing cries?

I mean goddamn, people. You spawned the beast. Have the decency to keep it on its leash if you take it out in public, and if it misbehaves, take it home and put it in its cage.

I know DOGS with better manners. A lot more dogs with better manners.

HA I just barely made it

2008-12-03T23:39:00.002-05:00

Well, with only fifteen minutes left in the day, I have just narrowly escaped breaking my vow three days in. I also started back on my diet today, spontaneously. I am working harder on keeping to my commitments, or at least not skimping on the promises I make myself.

So, since I promised myself I would one day become your bloody overlord, you fuckers best watch out. Yea-uh.

I also noticed I have a new minion! YES DOUBLE ONES I AM SOOOO AWESOME

Yep, so. Looks like it's gonna be another super-busy day tomorrow, so if I get a blog post in, (and I will get it in for I have powers beyond that of mere mortals and it's about time you got a taste of the flava) it'll be a short one. Or I'll stay up until ridiculous o'clock in the morning to write a new one. One of the two. It depends on how my bear whore of a shoulder holds up.

Not to imply bears are whores. That would just be silly.

Yay. Good times.

2008-12-02T14:38:00.002-05:00

Wow, I am having the worst fucking day off I've had in a long time.

Massive headache? Check. Ridiculous bullshit happening around me? Check. Total lack of inspiration and motivation to write the blog post I intended to write? Oh, check.

But at least I posted today, right?

Wheeee.

Never mind November...

2008-12-01T15:42:00.002-05:00

Dang, you guys. I just realized that I haven't posted a thing here the entire month of November.

Wasn't it supposed to be National Blog-Writing Month or something, too? Like where you try to post something every day in your blog for thirty days? In some desperate bid for attention, like maybe if you participated, then people would come here and read your stuff and think you were terribly clever and awesome and all that sort of thing?

And I missed a chance at THAT?

DAMMIT!

Oh, well. We all know I'm far too subversive to participate in any mass group for long. Obviously there's only one thing to do here.

Post every day in December. Even Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, Christ's Mess.

If I actually manage to do this, it will be a magical CHRISTMAS MIIIIRACLE. But hey, let's give it a shot. Consider this day one. Day one: it's easy because I don't have to work today.

Well, let's just start this post out by catching you up on what I've been up to. Ahem.

1. Work.
2. Feeling sorry for myself.
3. Being angry about various things involving human stupidity.
4. Being partially responsible for turning NC blue this year.
5. Aaaand eatin' turkey nom nom nom.

Yep. That about does it. Short post today, folks, my shoulder's being a bear right now. I've just started using that phrase a lot recently. If something's a pain in my ass, it's a bear. Not because of any animosity towards bears, because I think bears as animals are actually quite cool. Anything large enough to destroy a human being deserves my respect. Aren't the bears sleeping right now? Sleep, bears. Sleep and dream of eating berries and roots and human babies.

Obviously I've not had a proper dose of caffeine today. I'm going to go remedy that. See you tomorrow.

Conversations with myself: dead baby edition.

2008-10-22T18:06:00.005-04:00

Okay, I am officially the queen of false alarms. My motherboard is not fried, in case any of you stalkers missed my Twitter update. If you were GOOD stalkers, you didn't. Not that I've been a particularly exiting person to stalk these days, but eh, you know. I might be on here a bit more of late. After all, right now internetting is a cheaper thrill than massive bong hits and going out for drinks. I'm trying to save money for the move I'm hopefully going to be undergoing in a month and the doggie I'm hopefully getting in the next month and the internet that I'm going to try and be paying for in the next month and all those other sorts of great things that I'm going to be needing in the next month.

I'm not talking about it anymore. I will jinx it. It will not come true. I will die.

Aaaanyway. My life always comes across as much more dramatic on the internet than it actually is. I have so many things I want to get going that I know will benefit me financially as well as spiritually, so. We'll see how that turns out. I'm guessing less of the financial benefit and more of the spiritual, because that's usually how things end up going for me.

Shut up, Sidra! No one wants to hear about your personal life! That's what your whiney boring LJ is for! Talk about how much people suck! Talk about doing drugs and eating babies! You know how many people stopped reading just now?

Um... two?

Yes! And that's half of what you got! So quick! Make a dead baby joke!

Okay. Uh. What's funnier than a dead baby?

Why, I do not know. What IS funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit! HA HA HA HA GET IT?

... You're going to have to do better than that.

Right. What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

What.

You take your boots off when you jump on a trampoline.

Much better. But I know you can find a worse one than that.

Oh, I'm sure I can.

Bring it.

It's broughten! What's more fun than tying a dead baby to a clothesline and spinning it around as fast as you can? Stopping it with a shovel! How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor! What's more fun than stapling dead babies to the wall? Ripping them off again! What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? Realizing you made love to it the night before! What's worse than having sex with a dead baby? Having sex with a dead baby filled with razorblades! What's white and bobs up and down in a baby's crib? A pedophile's ass! What's worse than smoking pot with a baby? Making a bong out of it! What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Cadillac in my garage! What did the deaf, dumb and blind parapalegic baby get for Christmas? Cancer! Why didn't they crucify Baby Jesus? I don't know why, either!

That's the stuff right there! Boo-ya!

Did you just say "Boo-ya"?

Um... yeah. Sorry. I got a little excited there.

Don't let it happen again.

(source for the majority of my dead baby jokes: Dead baby jokes.)

Shit fuck hell piss bitch ass dick.

2008-10-17T21:27:00.004-04:00

So, yeah. Just taking this moment to inform you that my motherboard is fried, so I have no computer now. I could get a new motherboard, but I would have to find one to fit my ancient ass computer, so I might as well just suck it up and save up for a new computer. So. As little as I have been on the internets these days, it will be even less now. It sucks and I hate it.

That's all. Send money and/or drugs. Drugs are delicious.

So are human babies.

Hee.

I got teabagged... I mean, tagged.

2008-10-12T00:10:00.007-04:00

So I'm finally catching up with blogs and maybe even thinking about starting to write one even though it's like fucking midnight and I have to work in the morning AND I notice that I got tagged. Quite a while ago, apparently. So, thanks to Margot (remember to pronounce the "T" or ninjas will come and break your knees while you sleep) I not only have something to blog about, but I have an oh-so-nifty graphic for it.

Yep. It's nifty, all right. Just spec-diddily-tacular.

All right. On with this travesty. And if, during the course of your reading, you would care to listen to some tunes (because, let's face it, I have better taste in music than you and you know it and you wish you were me) I have rearranged the playlist at the bottom of the blog. Press play, enjoy.

1. I actually loathe these "you got tagged!" things that make you list x number of weird/quirky/kooky/spooky/ooky things about yourself. Honestly, there are things about me that apparently fascinate people, but I could not tell you what they are. Perhaps, in the process of making this list, I will reveal these things. Perhaps not. Probably I'll just list a whole bunch of shit you already knew and you'll be all like "oh, sheesh, I knew that. This is boring. I'm going to go and smoke some crack and buy a hooker." Fine, go ahead and do that. Miss all the fun. See if I care.

2. I'm obsessed with Christopher Walken. See, I told you I'd mention things that you already knew. Anyway. Yeah. Because of my obsession with Christopher Walken (who, if I ever met, I would pass out in front of because of all the awesomeness) this video is my favorite video of all times. It's not because of the song. It's because of Christopher Walken.

3. I am also obsessed with skulls. I love skulls. Thanks to the emo trend, there are skulls on fucking everything these days. I got socks at the dollar store with skulls on them, and IT WASN'T EVEN HALLOWEEN. It's kind of strange to me, but I'm getting used to it. I like skulls because they remind me of my mortality, and everyone else's. In a way, they are kind of a sign of immortality, too, 'cause death always happens. Death is forever. This also explains my gothy tendencies. I'm attracted to unconventional and dark and morbid things. It might also explain my disdain for the sudden popularity of the skull. You bunch of fucking posers don't know the meaning of what you're wearing. You've made them cute, with little hearts and bowties and smiles. Well, we'll see how cute skulls are when I'm eating my breakfast out of yours.

4. I'm going to be Susan Sto Helit for Halloween. If you don't know who she is, I'm not really surprised. If you do know who she is, you are at least a big a geek as I am, and I salute you. It's a sixty-scythe salute. If you are interested in who she is, I suggest perusing the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett. Start with Soul Music, or you'll read several years worth of books before you even know who the fuck Susan Sto Helit is and why the fuck you should even care at this point.

5. Goddamn, I love Wikipedia. I really do. They have an entry for everything.

6. I'm not a vegetarian anymore, but whenever I eat Mexican food, I always order a vegetarian meal. Part of this is due to my obsession with bean burritos, and part of it is that I don't really like the way meat tastes with a lot of Mexican dishes. Sometimes I'll have chicken in a quesadilla or something, but never steak or beef.

7. Okay, no offense to people with breast cancer, but I am REALLY FUCKING SICK of seeing pink fucking ribbons fucking everywhere, okay? Everything has got a goddamn pink ribbon on it. I hate those damn ribbons. All the ribbons, too, not just the breast cancer ones. The breast cancer ones are facing the brunt of my anger right now because they're on everyfuckingthing in the universe. Who the fuck said October was suddenly breast cancer month? October is not the month to spraypaint everything pink and donate the proceeds to breast cancer, okay? October is Halloween month. October is Samhain month. October is when everything starts dying. NOT a good month for the fighting of cancers, okay? April or May or even June I could understand, but goddamn it, not October. This is time for fall colors, okay? This is time for black and purple and orange and spiderwebby DOOM. No pink. NO GODDAMN PINK.

Well, wasn't that enjoyable? Sure it was. And I bet you learned ever so ever so much about me. Sure you did.

Now we come to the tagging portion of this. Which I will not be participating in. Because even though I do these things when I get tagged, I loathe them and refuse to inflict them on anyone else. Unless you like being tagged for these sorts of things. In which case, hey, go for it. I officially tag anyone who wants to be tagged. Steal the nifty graphic and go hogshit with it.

I, however, am not going anywhere now but bed.

And do not cry at my leaving. I actually have days off this week. I might blog more than once this month! It is possible! Miracles DO happen! Jesus is real and has magical powers! Okay, so I don't know about that last part, but just in case it is true I'll put it out there. Along with my theories concerning the existence of a land at the core of the earth where magical gumdrop fairies and grumpy licorice gnomes gambol and frolic all the livelong day.

All right, I'm done. Aren't you glad I didn't blog about the election or the economy? Yeah, me, too.

HOLY CRAP THREE WEEKS ARE YOU SERIOUS

2008-09-27T08:41:00.002-04:00

Yes, people, I'm serious. Somehow I've managed to stay off the internet for any extended amount of time for nearly three weeks. And yet somehow I'm still breathing, and talking, and walking out among you all.

Life, eh, she's been a bit hectic. Also, I've actually been trying to socialize with real people in the really real world, so that's played a part. I'm expecting to write a couple paragraphs in LJ about it, which would be miraculous even if I did, because that fucker's not been updated in a good long while.

Ah, anyway. I'm alive, and I thought you should know. I have some posts started and planned and all that good stuff, but it might be a while. I still have a lot of work to get done and such.

This wasn't a very interesting entry, was it? Um... boobies! There, boobies make everything interesting. Until next time...

Hello from downtown Miseryville, population me.

2008-09-08T13:49:00.002-04:00

Well, as you maybe noticed, if you're the noticin' sort, that I cleaned up and rearranged my blog list a bit. Added some more blogs, used that fancy new "blogs I follow" gadget, made a new link list for webcomics, things of that nature. Are you excited? Well you better hurry up and get excited, because I did it all for YOU. You fuckin' better appreciate me. See the part in the section labelled "Minions" where it says "follow this blog"? You better do that. I need a minion list in at least the double digits.

Anyway, I'm pretty miserable right now, thus the title of this blog. Oh, hang on, disclaimer time...

This next paragraph contains Period Talk. If you don't want to know about it, skip it.

Yeah, I usually get pretty bad periods. They get worse when I'm stressed out. They get late (nearly two weeks in this last case... I was getting pretty close to Freak The Fuck Outville but luckily the train passed that station) they destroy me with cramps, they make me want to die. Right now I feel like I've been impaled with a rusty pike and left for dead while a small child kicks me, viciously, in the head over and over and over again. Laughing all the while.

And that's pretty much the substance of this blog. I want to lie down and die now, but I still have two hours of work to go. Eh, at least I'm working the job where I can sit most of the day and have access to the computers. It's not so bad. Still, doesn't mean I can't bitch about it, because what else is the point of a blog, right?

Anyway, it is a short post today. I have a new rant in the works... several of them, actually. Writhe and drooooool like epileptic piggies until then. Mmmwah! (that was a piggie kiss. I give you piggie kisses all day long. Piggie piggie roink roink roink!)

Oh-kay, the drugs are working now. Later, my little piggies.

We are vain and we are blind. I hate people when they're not polite.

2008-09-07T22:15:00.003-04:00

Disclaimer: This is a rant, and is not directed personally at anyone who might be or has been a customer at the shop I work at at any point in time. I've had PMS for two fucking weeks, here, people. Please, give me a little understanding. Kthx.

Wow, has my week been hell or has my week been hell? I'll answer that question for you, so you don't have to think too hard about it. I don't want you to think too hard. That's not why you come to the internet.

My week, my friends, has been hell. And next week will probably be just as hellish. I haven't had a day off since... fuck, I can't even remember. One thing or another, it's always been work. And work, to put it in a nutshell, for the most part means dealing with people.

And goddamn, people are stupid.

I mean, I can deal with a lot of bullshit. I mean a LOT. I'm a much more relaxed person in person than I am on the internet, I promise you that. I could get upset at the way people treat me a lot more than I generally do. I could get a lot more annoyed with the way people act than I generally do.

Well let me tell you what, what feels like two weeks of PMS and dealing with people's stupidity has just about rendered me apocalyptic. If it weren't for the bud of the cannabis plant in its very many flavorful forms, it is entirely likely that I would have taken out a major population center by now. If I had uncontrollable superhero powers, that is. Well, if I had superhero powers, I don't know how much of a superhero I'd be. But let's not get into that, because I'm pretty easily distracted right now. I mean, the point here is that pot saves lives. Or could potentially save lives if I were to wake up with superpowers one day, anyway. Wait, that's not the point. What was the point?

Oh, yes, the point is... people are intolerably stupid, and somehow, I manage to tolerate them. Maybe that's a superpower in and of itself. It would certainly explain how I've been able to work retail for so long.

You know what? When the sign says "Everything is on sale," it means that everything is, indeed, on sale. Here's the conversation I had at least ten times a day the past three days:

Customer: Are the books on sale?
Moi (that's fancy Frenchy talk for "me"): They sure are! Everything's on sale! (I then go on to explain how everything in the store is on sale and the discounts applicable to about every item in the store.)
Customer: So... the tools are on sale, too?
Moi: They are indeed.
Customer (turning to another clerk): The books and tools are on sale?
Someone else who works with me and feels my pain: They sure are!

Now I can understand why people ask this... so often when there are sales in a store, it's only on "select items" or "when you bring in your postcard" or whatever. I mean, every once in a while, we'll have sales like that, too. But goddamn. When it's written on signs everywhere in the store, when every clerk in the place tells you what's on sale... COME THE FUCK ON! Do people even know how to read anymore? Do they know how to LISTEN? Or do they just walk around flapping their big fucking cow lips on their cell phones all day? There's another easy to answer question...

Oh, and hey, would you mind too much not letting your kids run around the shop like it's a goddamn NASCAR track, considering it's full of people and glass shelves and breakable items and sharp edges? Racing tracks usually don't have those things, do they, unless maybe one of the cars drives into a wall.

Hey, and do you mind putting stuff back where you got it? And if you can't find where it went because you walked around the store with it for an hour in your sweaty, filthy hands before deciding you weren't going to buy it after all, please don't set it down wherever the fuck you happen to be standing, okay? At least give it to a clerk or leave it on the counter or something! Fuck's sake, we're busy enough during a sale without having to clean up after you like we're your goddamn mama.

For the record: Me = Not Your Goddamn Mama. Just so you know.

Oh, and I would love to give you design advice, I really would, but can you just try to think for yourself? I mean, why are you asking me what I think when you don't like any of the things I come up with? I mean... "I'm trying to match something green" isn't exactly a lot for me to work with here! If you're going to be picky, at least be specific! Oh, and if your design idea goes beyond the possibilities of physics, I don't think I'm going to be able to help you with that. We're good, but we're not suspending a jewel in the middle of a little gravitational field good.

And if we don't have something, we don't fucking have it! I'm sure we might have carried it at one time seven years ago, but we don't have it anymore, okay? I'm sorry. I know if there was a magical portal in my ass that I could pull anything in the world out of, I would sure use it so you could get what you want. Even if what you want was "something that's silver, and kind of shaped like a squid but more pear-like". But I do not have this magical ass-portal, alas. I am sorry. As soon as I get one, you will be the first to know.

Seriously, we can't afford to keep everything in the world in stock. Have you seen the economy recently? You are aware that we are a small business, yeah? Maybe you've spent all day shopping at Kohl's and Target and Home Depot and Starbucks and Wal-Mart and A.C. Moore and everysinglefucking other chain in the universe and FORGOT that. It's hard enough just keeping the popular items in stock, believe me.

If you bought it eight years ago and just now decided that you didn't want to keep it, you're a little late. Seriously. Just because Wal-Mart will take anything back and give you a cash refund without question (the one here does anyway) it doesn't mean that we will. Especially if it looks like something that we have never had, but the A.C. Moore on the other side of town has in quantity.

And why is it that when I have to pee or am starving, that's when the lady who needs her hand held for two hours straight comes right up to me and latches on to me like a leech? Like a horrible, fanged bloodsucking leech right out of Peter Jackson's King Kong movie? (If you haven't seen that movie--and I don't know why you'd want to without massive drug use involved--there are giant leeches in it. They are horriffic, and for some reason remind me of little old ladies with giant ziploc bags full of tangled, half desintegrated costume jewelry.)

Oh and it would be really fabulous if you people would ask my name because you genuinely want to know it, and not because you want to use it to call me to your side like a pet dog when you want attention.

Parents, I know that you know the difference between inside voices and outside voices. Please do the world a favor and share that information with your children. They must learn it. Thank you.

You're really wantin' to live my life at this point, ain'tcha?

Well, thanks for letting me rant. Thanks even more if you were able to make it through my incoherent ramblings. And the most final but by no means least important thanks must go to the beautimous and fantastic Stepher at S2 Do Life for the lovely new graphic that surely you have noticed in my sidebar. The little chick with the glasses? That is courtesy of her. And created by another one of my Most Favorite People In The Universe, Lyric of Lyric Powered Design. She has more talent in her pinky toenail crust than you have in your entire pathetic human body. I should have made this thank you in the last post, but you know. Who needs crack when you have days of work and hours of smoke, right? RIGHT.

There will very likely be more ranting tomorrow if I can manage it. But if I don't, you will wait for me, because you love me and worship every single little letter in every single little word of every single little sentence I type.

Until then, try to get along without me. And remember to drink the kool-aid when I tell you to.

Man, I suck at blogging.

2008-09-02T23:23:00.004-04:00

When I first started blogging, I would do it every day. Sometimes twice in one day. Sometimes I would dedicate an entire day to it. Screw cleaning house and doing laundry!

However, these are not the days of wine and roses, like they used to be. Not that I care much for wine. And roses are not alcoholic and you can't drink them. So maybe my heyday was more like the days of chocolate and whiskey. Or whiskey and bourbon. Either way, I'll have some.

Anyway, what was my point? Oh yeah. My point was, I do mean to blog more. I really do. And I will eventually. I just don't have as much time these days. Plus with my shoulder being all screwy, too much time spent at the keyboard isn't so good for me. By the way, you should know that this is going to be a rather short post. Like, you know, because I suck at blogging.

M-O-O-N, that spells "I suck."

If you really need to read some awesome blog entry, and came in the hopes of doing that, might I direct you in the direction of Plunger Girl's lavatory. I suspect she is funnier and more talented than me, though I know that's hard to do. Her second entry in particular had me howling with laughter. Which wasn't too good, actually, as I have a bitch of a sore throat. And if that still leaves ya hungry for more, my thoughts on the whole Palin's kid Bristol (god, that poor, poor girl) being preggers and getting married have been echoed by Margot over at The Thoughts Of A Jersey Girl. I was gonna blog about it, and still might. Though I'm really trying to figure out why this matters, as I am doubting more and more about even voting in this election.

And that, also, is another blog all to itself.

Okay, I'm gonna go gargle with salt water and possibly kill myself, or at least chop my own head off to end the agonizing pain. See ya next time.

(p.s.... edit. I didn't thank the new readers/commenters for stopping by. Thanks for stopping by! I am going to upgrade my links soon, and include all the stuff I've been meaning to add, including new blogs and new webcomics and such. If I don't, as stated above, decapitate myself in a fit of coughing agony. So... yeah.)

What a lovely sound... when it hits the ground.

2008-08-18T10:39:00.002-04:00

I've had "Skin Is, My" by Andrew Bird stick in my head parts all morning. It's a catchy little ditty.

Aaaanyway, I actually wasn't expecting such a positive response to that last post. I am quite pleased, but it really caught me off-guard. I know everyone knows how I feel about certain things, and I know that the entire point of this blog was for me to let you know EXACTLY how I feel about EVERYTHING... but even so, I am impressed that I didn't piss anyone off.

Then again, only cool people read this blog, so maybe that's why. The assholes that would be offended by my rantings find it physically impossible to read my words because they lack the awesomeness gene. MOO HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA.

That was my evil laugh. You love it.

And since I can't dedicate this post to taking apart the mmmBBBBBAAAAA responses from the sheeple (which, I won't lie, I had actually hoped to do) I'm just going to have to find something on the internet to get mad about.

That shouldn't be too hard, now, should it?

For example, take this lovely story: Egyptian Woman Gives Birth to Septuplets.

Now hang on, because I'm honestly about to take the piss out of this. Article in green, I'm in red, 'cause it's so my color.

ALEXANDRIA, Egypt (AP) -- A 27-year-old Egyptian woman gave birth to septuplets early Saturday in the coastal city of Alexandria, family members and the hospital director said.

Ghazala Khamis was in good condition after having a blood transfusion during her Caesarean section due to bleeding, said Emad Darwish, director of the El-Shatbi Hospital where she gave birth.

Oh, yeah, she's fine. Just needed a blood transfusion to compensate for the seven parasites extracted from a giant gash in her fucking torso Alien-style, that's all.

The newborns, four boys and three girls, weigh between 3.2 pounds and 6.17 pounds and are in stable condition, Darwish said. They have been placed in incubators in four different hospitals that have special premature baby units, he said.

"This is a very rare pregnancy -- something I have never witnessed over my past 33 years in this profession," Darwish told The Associated Press by phone from the hospital.

Okay, you're going to wonder why the fuck he said that because you find out in the next paragraph....

Darwish decided to carry out the Caesarean section at the end of Khamis’ eighth month of pregnancy due to the pressure on her kidneys. He said Khamis, who already has three daughters, took fertility drugs in an effort to have a son.

...That she took fertility drugs! Oh, but she's already got three fucking kids! And she's only 27 years old, so it's not like she's old and barren! So she's perfectly fertile, right? Why in the world would you think that taking fertility drugs would magically produce a boy, lady? What twisted logic... oh, wait. That's right. I nearly forgot. Only the more powerful MANLY sort of fertility produces boys, and obviously she didn't have that. But fertility drugs are like steroids! They make your eggs magically have "Y" chromosomes! They make your fallopian tubes grow chest hair! They make your uterus able to bench-press 350! They are truly a miracle drug!

Khamis, the wife of a farmer in the northern Egyptian province of Beheira, was admitted to the hospital two months earlier, Darwish said.

Well, at least they've got enough children to look after the farm now.

"From the initial checkup, I say that none of the babies have any sort of deformities or incomplete organs," Darwish said.

The woman’s brother, Khamis Khamis, said even though his sister was trying to conceive more children so she could have a son, the family was astonished when they found out she would give birth to multiple babies.

Okay, seriously? She's already got THREE KIDS. She's fucking fertile. So taking a drug that is WELL KNOWN for causing multiples when you're NOT INFERTILE in the first place is a SURPRISE? O'rly? The sun came up today. Did THAT surprise you, too? Probably did, didn't it? Probably made you shit your pants, it took you by such surprise.

"We thought about an abortion, but then we felt it’s religiously forbidden. So we said ’Let God’s will prevail,"’ he told the AP by phone.

Wait. Waaaait just a minute. You all took the IVF drugs because you didn't have a son, which, according to your logic, should have been GOD'S WILL. But hey, fuck God, we're gonna turn the matter over to science and let her endanger her body by knocking it up with a million spores? How do you live in this world, people? How do your glaring contradictions not make your head explode? BECAUSE MINE FUCKING IS! I have head explode EVERYWHERE right now trying to comprehend the mind of a fertile couple who would take fertility drugs because they think it'll give them a son and then be SURPRISED when they suddenly have seven leeches squirming inside her uterus! GGAAAARRRRGGGHHH

Egypt’s health minister announced that the seven babies will receive free milk and diapers for two years, the brother added.

So, wait. They went against all proper logic and took IVF drugs--SHE TOOK DRUGS SHE DID NOT GET THIS PREGNANT NATURALLY SHE WAS NOT INFERTILE--and the government is... rewarding that? By giving them... free things? What? What? Man, if a head could explode twice, mine certainly would have by now.

Okay, seriously... the reason this story annoys me is because it sets off two of my rage triggers... irresponsible breeding and outdated religious dogma. I mean come the fuck on. You're 27 years old, you have three kids, you're married to a farmer. You're gonna have more babies! Eventually, one of 'em's gonna be a boy, since that seems to be something important to you. But NO. No, you had to get alllll impatient and have them all at once so you can have free milk and diapers and blood transfusions and shit. And now you're the mother of ten children at age 27. Whew. As my friend The Social Deviant would say... "You fail at life." Well, unless you wanted to have ten kids and be married to a farmer in the middle of buttfuck Egypt... then, hey, gold medals for you. You won the WTFlympics.

But goddamn. A son? Is a son really THAT important? Well, I guess it is when you're living in the middle of a religious patriarchal society. Gah, more horseshit I can't stand. I suppose this might be the moment where I'm actually proud to be an American, and live in a society that tolerates freedom of choice and woman's rights and all those other wonderful things that I adore. And I do. Believe me, I am grateful every morning I wake that I don't have to put a bucket on my head and wear a wool robe in the middle of the summer just because I'm a woman. Well... I'm glad that I'm in a slightly more tolerant society... but let's not fool ourselves. After all, we've found post 9-11 that our rights are worth about the same as toilet paper when "th' country's in jeppardy frum terrarist attacks!" And there are a bunch of goddamn idiots out there who would rather have the government and the church tell them what's right for them and everyone else instead of thinking for themselves. Sadly, people like this ain't just livin' in Egpyt. They're livin' next door to you.

So remember how close you are to people who think that fertility drugs will give you boys because boys run things so we have to have boys to run the family as long as they don't turn out gay and leave the physical and mental health of the mother in the hands of an invisible man who lives in the sky and loves you but is going to send you to hell if you disobey him, don't believe in him, and/or have teh ghey.

Remember.

Oh, I am such an evil baby-hater. I do not know how you can stand me.

2008-08-11T16:50:00.000-04:00

NOTE: Sorry this took me long than I promised to write. It's not that my anger and angst about this particular subject has died, or is even in a coma. Far far from it. I just have been bitching elsewhere on the internets. But now I bitch for you here. You are so lucky.

All right, I warned you and I teased you and I got you all hot and bothered for this, so I guess I best finish and post this before your collective genitalia explode. Goodness knows we don't want this happening.

I have honestly, truly, and completely fucking HAD it with you fucking breeders. Yes, you. You, the ones who think that just because they did WHAT EVERYBODY FUCKING ELSE did since the beginning of time, they deserve a million gold medals and a bunch of shiny fuckin' stars. I'm talking 'bout birthin' babies, Miss Scarlett. Oh, babies. The unfortunate side-effect of fucking. The little ego-clones of people who think that their particular genetic pattern is SO great that there should just be bajillions of 'em running around, being the future of the world.

But raising them to keep quiet in a fucking movie theater? Oh fuck that.

Before I go any further, I should explain to those of you who are parents that this rant is not directed at you. This rant is directed at the oblivious fucks who think that their infant is a free ticket to GetwhateverthefuckIwantville. Or a free ticket to Unconditionallovetown. Well let me tell you something, you assholes. NOTHIN' COMES FREE.

It just pisses me off to no end that these people walk around parading their little crotch hatchlings like they were dropped from the sky from the shining arms of winged angels. Apparently these little blessings straight from the desk of Jesus do nothing but shit gold and burp diamonds. (Don't ask me to make a gemstone metaphor for their runny noses; I don't have it in me today.) I can understand the pride of parenthood, the need to show off your baby. I feel the same way about my kitty. (He so kyoot! Oh! I yubs heem.) But there has always got to be that fucker who goes TOO FAR. Baby must have all the latest accessories. Baby must have a stroller the size of the goddamn Hindenburg. Baby must be allowed to have any trinket that it reaches out for and grabs at. Baby must be allowed to shriek in public places at the top of its lungs without being taken away.

You know what, assholes? It isn't all about baby. It's all about YOU and your little trendy fashion accessory. It's all about YOU and how YOU swore that YOU would never deny YOUR baby all the things that YOU weren't allowed to have. It's about carrying on YOUR genes, YOUR family name, YOUR looks.

And YOU need to get the fuck over YOURSELF.

I am not sorry for you. You do not deserve special treatment. I am not sorry that you don't get to go out and have fun like you used to. You decided to have the baby. That means no more going out for margaritas whenever you feel like it. Quit doing it! Quit bringing your children to the bar with you! Quit bringing them to the nice restaurants and letting them run around while you chatter with your oblivious buddies over a pitcher! Is the kid gonna drive you home? OH, you're driving the kid home? THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DRINKING?

I'm not sorry that you can't go shopping in trendy little boutiques anymore because Bratley McBreakythings has a penchant for shiny and you opted for the MegaWide stroller. Don't try to do it anyway. And if you still don't listen to me and do it anyway, at least make sure you keep an eye on your damn kid and teach it the difference between HIS things and things that belong to other people. Also, teaching your child that there is no such thing as a chapstick tester would be a really, really, really good idea. Maybe that's something you should know, too.

I'm not sorry that your marriage is failing and that you were stupid enough to think that introducing a screaming, shitting, vomiting crotch-demon into it would save it.

I'm not sorry that you think you deserve everything in the world because you went through 10 hours of labor. I'm not going to let you cut ahead of me in line because you've "got kiiiiiids". I'm going to say something to you if you knock me down with your Avalanche-sized stroller, or if I hold the door for you and you don't even say "thank you".

I'm not sorry that your kid has the social skills and grace of a water buffalo on Ritalin. I will say something to it if it is trying to wreck a display in my store. I'm not sorry that "being a parent is haaard". You're the one that got knocked up and decided to keep it. I'm not sorry that you can't find a sitter. That's not my problem. Your misbehaving, bored children wrecking my peace and quiet is my problem.

"But Sid," you might say at this point, "everybody loves my babies. It gives them joy to be around the babies. Why do you not feel this joy? There must be something wrong with you! YOU must be an evil-baby hater!!!

Yeah, I want you to teach your children how to behave like little human beings instead of little annoying monsters, and you call me a baby-hater. Oh, hey, makes perfect sense.

Let's make my view on this perfectly clear. It really is amazing that your body can make this whole new little person... someone who is going to grow and talk and eat and learn and become his or her own self. You have this incredible little person who is totally dependent on you and loves you, and hey, you're lucky to have that. But your responsibility towards this little creature is to help it grow and become responsible for itself. You are the one who has to teach it that it is socially unacceptable to throw things, to scream in public, to throw a tantrum when it can't have what it wants. You are the one who has to teach it how to think for itself, to find its own path, to use its amazing human mind to its full potential.

So quit showing off and get to fucking work!

Meanwhile, I'll be drinking margaritas. Mmmm... you don't know what you're missin'.

Just felt like postin'...

2008-08-01T00:12:00.003-04:00

....but I have nothing to post.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I have a magnificent rant about entitlement breeders in the works. You know the kind I'm talking about. The kind who'll take a screaming child in public and ignore them for two hours because "oh, they're just acting out". The kind who call you a bigoted child-hater because you make a comment about how it would sure be nice if people didn't let their children run around and stab people in the knees with fucking dinner knives.

You fuckers will never, EVER be safe from my wrath.

EVER.

Just so we're clear on that. Moving on.

I want more people to follow me on Twitter! You fuckers! Adore and worship me!

I just got the newest Man Man album. Man, I needed this.

That's all for now. I'm seriously going to take you self-righteous fucking entitlement fucks in my next entry, I swear to it. I'm going to take you to places you've never been. I am going to take you where the sun don't shine... up your ass.

My wrath. It's coming. Don't matter if you hide or not. It will find you. And it will do terrible things to you. YOU ARE NOT SAFE.

I feel like singing a Nine Inch Nails song all a sudden.

2008-07-22T22:55:00.004-04:00

Hey, guys, remember my responses to the questions directed at intelligent atheists blog?

Well... the original writer of the questions has posted a response. So have I.

So can you!

By all means, let us continue to discuss it there in the comments section. Just a few guidelines:

No proselytizing (you're smart people, you know what it means.)
No name-calling (well, unless it's reallly funny, and you apologize afterwards.)
No unrelated bullshit. Keep your comments and references relevant.
I am watching you... oh, with the eyes of an egotistical blogger hawk I am watching you.

That's all.

Have fun!

Also, this person commented on my rant previous, if you want to get discussion going there as well. Same rules apply, obviously.

Drawing attention to it? Damn right I am! This is the internet!

You have got to be Fucking Kidding me.

2008-07-21T17:24:00.003-04:00

I did not make this up. This is an actual band name roster for a show that my emo nephew wants to go to tomorrow night:

Arise And Ruin
Kill What I Adore
Heal These Wounds
Betray Your Own
Buried In Silence

It's "The Baconator Tour".

I promise you, I cannot make this shit up. And if I did make it up, chances are there's some emo band out there that will or has already picked that fucking name.

screw it, I'll post a freakin' photo of the thing:

It's not that I'm condemning it out of hand... it's just that... dude. Why do all your band names sound like the titles of really bad death metal albums?

To be fair, I know that I like bands with horrible names, too. Yeasayer and Sunset Rubdown, just by way of example. But I mean, it's not immediately obvious what these bands sound like when you hear their name, and that's what I like about them.

I really don't understand my pathological hatred of emo/screamo, either. I like a great deal of the band that inspired them. Or maybe that's exactly the reason why... Maybe that's why Fall Out Boy's cover of "Love Will Tear Us Apart" makes me want to punch babies. Preferably Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz's baby. But I digress.

...into nothing. That's all I got. Well, besides ARGH EMO SUCKS DIEDIEDIEZLKGJADGFJKDJVLRO...

OMG WTF LOLLERCOASTER BBQ

2008-07-21T15:54:00.003-04:00

So, a couple entries back (you can look if you want to) I got this comment from someone:

omg I love the womanhatingmen thing, it makes me want to create a web site called why I luv my turds!

I only have one question for this person.

Who the fuck are you and what the fuck was that supposed to mean?

Curse you, frail human form!!!

2008-07-17T11:27:00.004-04:00

Dammit.

I can't type, I can't bead, I'm pretty much fucking laid up today. Which, in some ways, is profoundly frustrating because I hate being injured, but in other ways... hey, I don't have to do SHIT today.

Stupid goddamn shoulder... I NEED ROBOT PARTS. ROBOT PARTS. When, oh when, will I get to live my dream of becoming a cyborg who rules her internets empire?

Soooo, yeah. Guess I'm going to catch up on my reading. Don't got nothin' to rant about today. I was hoping I would. But even if I did, I couldn't type about it, because, if you haven't guessed, my shoulder is fucking killing me today. If I were ranty about something, I would just sit here seething in anger and my churning stomach gases, unable to do a thing about it. Luckily, the only thing I really am pissed off about now is my shoulder hurting, the previously mentioned gases tearing me apart inside, and the general rage and contempt I have towards the human race every day of my life. And dammit why didn't I get any fundie spam when I posted my anti-religious blogs? Why don't I ever get any hate mail to mock?!?! Do I sound THAT reasonable? Sheesh.

I've exceeded my typing for the day (aside from Twitter updates. The doktor sez I'm okay typing under 140 words at one time. No, really, I swear.) So, I'm gonna crosspost this everyfucking where I can and spend the majority of my day off lurking in internets land. I lurk but good.

I just surfed a robo Dracula from the moon, so y'alls can just TAKE IT.

2008-07-14T12:08:00.005-04:00

You know what I love most about coming to my blog? Just the fact that the first thing you see is a giant graphic proclaiming The Truth... which is of course that you are NOT special. It's a good little reminder for people to have... people who might have been spending too much time reading feel-good glurge about rescued babies and neighbors helping neighbors and how one child made a difference and fucking crap like that.

Well life ain't always like that, folks.

Life is, however, almost always ridiculous. Take a look at this, just for example... (and kudos to S2 for the find!)

IT'S A FREAKIN' CRACKER.

Seriously, I don't fucking understand the big deal. At WORST it was a tasteless prank, and while people who are hard-core Catholics might think it disrespectful, it certainly doesn't warrant a fucking death threat! OMG u kidnapped the Jeebus crackr ur goin to HELLZ lol we gunna kill u 2 deth! I mean please. The reaction to this is just ridiculous. You can get a Eucharist on the internet, and do whatever the fuck you want to it. The dude gave the cracker back. What's the big fucking deal?

But it's people. So there you are.

Oh, and here's another gem of human behavior, yet again thanks to my homie Stepher...

Everyone's Snow White or NO ONE'S Snow White!

Yeah, I'd like to see that play... 25 little girls all shouting out the same lines... Parents getting into parking-lot fights to the death over which one did the best job... gah. I used to be in plays all the time, and I never fought for the main role. I actually preferred to get the character role... IMHO the sidekick is always more interesting than the lead. What's the big fucking deal?

Wait... dammit, I already asked that question, didn't I?

I will ask it a lot, in my time, of no one, and I shall not expect an answer.

Seriously, though... Monster Parents. Sounds like something that would have happened in the US first. It probably will, eventually. The whole thing is ridiculous. If I'd had a parent like that, I would have died of embarrassment. Died, I say. It's one thing standing up for your kid when they've been wronged by the school system, but goddamn, harassment like this just borders on pure insanity. Wait... did I say "borders on"? Whoops, meant to leave that out... it's just flat-out INFUCKINGSANE.

Thank goodness there's a few of us out there who don't mind playing the wicked stepmother.

Also. I've added some new linkage in teh sidebar. A few more webcomics (the excellent Octopus Pie, Wigu, Overcompensating, and Wasted Talent), because that's what's really important. In the future, I might just make a whole blogroll for webcomics. Any I'm leaving out that you think I should know about, lemme know. Also a new blog I found, thanks to my friend Lyric, who is the awesomenest of awesomeness.

Why Women Hate Men.

Again, with the ridiculousness of real life. You can't make this shit up, people! Well, no, I take that back... you can make that shit up. But it's not the same, really. Life is always stranger than fiction. Always.

All right, I'm done here for today. I leave you to ponder exactly what the title of this post means. Or you could read the Adventures Of Dr. McNinja and find out for yourself. Aw, yeah.

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors...

2008-07-08T23:30:00.007-04:00

Let's begin this post with the back story, shall we? Oh, and the length warning, which I neglected to give you on the last post. Here come the asterisks: ***Length Warning!!!***

I'm sure most of my readers (all five of you) are familiar with this video: Ten Questions Every Intelligent Christian Should Answer. If you are not, allow yourself to become familiarized with it.

I give you link since Blogger seems reluctant to post YouTube videos.

Well, hey. Imagine that. Someone came up with Ten Questions Every Intelligent Atheist Should Answer! An inevitable reaction, indeedy.

Now I'm sending you a link to THAT post. I wasn't kidding about that length warning, my dear friends. You haven't even gotten to everything I have to say on the subject... oh, and I do have quite a bit indeed to say on the subject. Aren't you so glad that I have given you something to do with your day? This is why you love me.

Ten Questions Every Intelligent Atheist Must Answer

And so I shall, though I consider myself more a hardcore agnostic rather than a pure atheist. I recognize that just because my philosophy is what I consider to be most sound, that is not always how the world works. So any of you who are like all: OMG SID'S AN ATHEIST... you're wrong. I'm not, strictly speaking. But I am not going to your church service any time soon, nor am I believing in your (as Carlin so eloquently put it) self-serving bullshit story. By some people's definition, I would be considered an atheist. Ah, potato, potatoe. Anyway. Here come the questions. They are in blue, mine are in normal color because I don't want you to miss any of the links.

1. Are you a moral relativist, or do you believe in absolute morality? In other words, do you believe that cultures, or even individuals, can define their own rules on what is moral and what is not, or do you believe that every action has one unique, absolute, and true moral assessment?

I believe that there is one true moral absolute: respecting the right of your fellow humans to exist and live how they please, and expecting them to do the same for you. Beyond that, depending on what culture you're in, morality can be relative. I consider myself a moral person, but because I support abortion, gay rights, and birth control, I know that I am considered an immoral person by a great deal of the other people in my society. I have a hard time relating to these people because their morality is more hampered than mine, but I recognize that they feel the same way about me. Just as I wouldn't presume to force my lifestyle on theirs, I would be glad enough if they did not force their lifestyle on me. I live by what I consider my true moral absolute, as best as I can, though I know I do not always live up to it. After all, if I was what I consider perfect, then I wouldn't be human.

2. Is your trust in science based on faith or based on science?

As I don't put all my trust in science, or indeed in anything, this question doesn't apply to me in particular, or indeed most atheists and agnostics I know. We put more trust in science than god because science has revealed itself to be more consistent and factual... but a great deal of us also realize that there are no absolutes, even in science, that we do not know everything. My own personal feeling as a solid agnostic is that NOTHING is fully absolute. I'm sure anything is possible. What I have proved to myself as possible, that's what I rely on, for the most part.

3. Where does language, art, music, and religion come from?

It could come from any number of sources... anything from fairy mushrooms in the fiftieth dimension to chemical responses triggered by certain visual stimuli... Who knows? Who knows if the lift I feel in the starlit depths of my soul when I hear the newest Grizzly Bear track has anything to do with God or human physiology? I am really starting to see your contempt for what you consider the stereotypical atheist to be. You think that atheists are shutting themselves up in just as black and white view of the world as fundamentalists do... but honestly I don't know a whole lot of atheists who take scientific fact as the ABSOLUTE WORD OF EVERYTHING... they just take scientific facts as the most absolute and sensible option. It does not mean that if a scientific theory is disproved our world and our faith is shattered.

4. Suppose, hypothetically, that you met with someone who knew nothing about you except your first name. And this person was able to accurately name deceased family members, dicuss in detail how they died, and describe intimate personal details about your relationship with these people (including people you aren’t consciously thinking about). How would you explain this?

Maybe I'd just get James Randi to do it.

Seriously, though... I do Tarot readings, I've been to a psychic, I've experienced this sort of shit first-hand. I know it's 50% bullshit on my part and 100% credulity on their part. Every time I do a tarot reading I tell people to take it with a grain of salt; that the cards are just a tool, that nothing I tell them is absolute.

Even if it was true that people had psychic powers, since we're living in hypothetical situationland here, even if it was true that someone could actually be reading my mind or my aura or whatever... how does that prove the existence of God? Again, like any other phenomenon that is seemingly without explanation. Fairies could have waved their multi-dimensional wands and suddenly granted human beings the ability to appreciate and make art, to create stories, to read minds and see auras. It can also, just as easily, be explained by evolution... new sections in the brain, new chemical reactions, mutations... it could be (and to me this situation is far more likely) that the mutant strain that had creative thought was more adapted to survival and therefore survived while the other, less canny strain slowly died off. It then stands to reason that a human being could mutate and discover that they are able to read people better than most. And to me, that still makes more sense than believing that I'm going to be sent to a land of eternal suffering and pain and horror just because I don't believe there's an invisible man up in the sky.

5. Is absence of proof the proof of absence?

I certainly don't see the absence of that 100% proof moonshine you been drinkin' honey. But seriously, to answer the question. Because the paragraph the author of these questions put below this question is rather small, I'll reply to it directly.

This belief is fundamental to the atheist position. You must answer yes to this question or you have a very hard time denying most, if not all, religious beliefs. However, you should also see how absurd this statement is. The fact that it is always impossible to prove that something does not exist does not change the fact that it cannot be known that something doesn’t exist. So mustn’t you be agnostic? I’ve heard responses to this one too, but they have so far been illegitimate and unsatisfying.

Again, this is a question directed, it may seem, at the stereotypical atheist, or what the author of the question sees as the stereotypical atheist. This is flawed logic, because these questions are supposed to be directed at intelligent atheists. Unless you're assuming all atheists are intelligent. Which is, really, very nice of you. But, seriously, anyone claiming to be an atheist and then exhibiting the logic that you've mentioned... they might not be a smart as they let on. It takes a rather short-sighted person to cling so tightly to their point of view that they can't leave themselves even the teeeeeniest slightest bit open to the possibility that they could be wrong. Any intelligent person must accept that they might be wrong, because how else would they learn anything at all.

Must, must, must... I'm starting to talk like the question's author. You really want a definite answer to this question, don't you? The problem is... it's not a very definite question in the first place, is it? I can't prove to you that an invisible pink unicorn exists. But you can't prove to me that she does NOT exist, even though we both know I made her up. Similarly, how can I prove to you that God does not exist when you can't prove to me he does? Oh noes, we are deadlocked!

6. What does the atheist position offer people? How has it improved your life? Why will it improve others’ lives?

This question stumped Richard Dawkins, so maybe you have a better answer.

I do, as it turns out. It doesn't offer anything. Atheism really doesn't need to sell itself. Perhaps it offers the same solace to some people that religion does: This is the answer. You don't have to wonder about it anymore. You got it All Figured Out. It's a good feeling, that. It's an even better feeling when you have your beliefs challenged and you can still defend them without doubting them. As for it improving other's lives... well... yes, it is a freedom from delusion. A freedom from a delusion that might have been causing you mental and physical anguish. We all know what stress and guilt does to you... stress from trying to please your church and your parents and your preacher... guilt for feeling and thinking things that your church and your parents and your preacher don't want you to think. Whatever joy you have experienced accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior, in knowing that he is in your heart or whatever... well, why is it so unreasonable that the atheist point of view is not equally appealing to someone else? Knowing that anything can be explained by science, knowing that there is a logical explanation for everything... please tell me how that is not the same as the joy anyone gets from joining their religion or cult or whatever.

And before anyone even BEGINS to start saying "That's the point, atheism is no better than Christianity or anything else you proved my point LOL", keep in mind, even though I am arguing a stronger case for the atheists, I'm still hardcore agnostic. And... oh, wait, is it an ATHEIST army we have occupying a mainly Muslim country? Fuck me, no, I believe the majority of our troops are Christian! Oh, and a majority of our political leaders are as well! In fact, they pretty much can get nowhere in our political system if they aren't a member of some faith or other. Did atheists start the Crusades? Or the Inquisition? Was it atheists who executed innocent people as witches? Oh, I don't believe it fucking was! You can start talking about how much better religious people are than atheists as soon as atheists start murdering and torturing people who have a different point of view on a mass scale, k? K.

7. When you attempt to use logic to conclude facts about religion, are you starting at the conclusion (God is not real), or are you starting at true premises? Be honest. If you are starting at true premises, then what are they? And how are they true? Think about #5 when you answer.

Wait a second. By your logic, "logical debates work because both opposing parties agree on premises as being true before they start." But you'd just said "How do you know any premise is true? Most people gloss over this fact by correctly observing the fact that no one really ever knows anything since this question can be applied to anything, up to and including your own very existence. But how does this fact change anything? You still don’t know whether any of your logical premises are true" in the previous paragraph.

We can't even have this debate because you are beginning it from the premise that God does exist, and I am beginning it from the premise that God does not exist. My own personal view as an agnostic is much more malleable than that of the obviously archetypal atheist... but I still can't have the debate with you according to your logic, because I can't accept any premise as being completely true. We find ourselves in the same deadlock we were in at the ending of question #5...

8. If all Christians believed that the Bible was entirely allegorical, what would you argue in support of your position?

If all Christians believe the Bible was allegorical, that Jesus wasn't real, that none of these things really happened... well, then the Bible would be proved to be what atheists have been calling it all along... a work of fiction. It imparts moral lessons, sure, but so do a lot of fictional works. And Christianity still wouldn't make sense, because now not only have they named themselves after a fictional character, but they're worshiping and praying to the author of a book. You don't see me setting up an entire religion around The Lord Of The Rings trilogy, though I could if I wanted to, easily.

9. Why is it important to you that everyone is an atheist?

Why is it important to you that everyone is a Christian? Did that question offend you? Did you think to yourself: "Hey, she's generalizing about me OMG! All Christians aren't bible-thumping fundies! Well, there you go.

10. Do you believe in extra-terrestrials?

Well, yes. At least I believe in the perfectly logical assumption that, well, as you put your typical atheist as saying: "even if only one in a trillion stars had planets and only one in a trillion planets had life and only one in a trillion planets with life hosted intelligent life there would still be eleventy-gazillion earths in the universe". Maybe that makes no sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me. How egotistical for us to think, in this vast, vast universe, that we are the only intelligent beings in it! Of course we can't prove this, not yet, maybe not for thousands of years yet. We still don't know enough; we're only just now starting to flex our fingers tentatively in the direction of the stars. And while the plausibility of the existence of little green men from another planet existing is dubious... quite honestly it's STILL less dubious than the Zombie Jesus Easter-egg Bedtime Story.

So, knowing that those questions weren't directed exactly at me, but at "true" atheists, I invite all my atheist friends to answer these questions along with me. I leave out the adjective "intelligent" because, hey, since you're my friends, it's assumed. I'm already pretty sure that their answers will be pretty damn similar to mine.

Bring the debate... I wants it! Oh... we'll have to start on a premise that I'm not entirely sure is true, though... sorry 'bout that.

Get your rosaries OFF my civil rights, idiots!

2008-07-07T13:36:00.003-04:00

Okay, so, I'm back in one of those moods where religion is pissing me off again. First I'm going to cite an example of the very thing that's pissing me off... religious twats and their out-dated ways of thinking directly interfering with our civil and personal rights as human beings. The article itself is in a lovely shade of green, my own little snarky comments are in their usual red of doom.

http://www. tcpalm. com/news/2008/jun/25/woman-sues-miami-hospital-after-being-denied-visit/

Woman sues Miami hospital after being denied visitation of partner
Sun-Sentinel

MIAMI — The family vacation cruise that Janice Langbehn, her partner Lisa Marie Pond and three of their four children set out to take in February 2007 was designed to be a celebration of the lesbian couple's 18 years together.

But when Pond suffered a massive stroke onboard before the ship left port and was rushed to Jackson Memorial Hospital, administrators refused to let Langbehn into the Pond's hospital room. A social worker told them they were in an "anti-gay city and state."

That's a nice thing to hear, isn't it. I mean... they make it sound like it's just a little quirk the city and state has, please don't hold it against them that they're funditarted homophobic assholes it's just part of the local charm ha ha ha enjoy your stay please come again but not gay this time kthx.

Langbehn filed a federal lawsuit Wednesday charging the hospital with negligence and "anti-gay animus" in refusing to recognize her and the children as Pond's family, even after a power of attorney was faxed to the hospital within an hour of their arrival.

Remember this, folks. This woman's family had LEGAL PROOF that they were, LEGALLY, her family, and this hospital full of idiots STILL didn't let her in. Why?

The case raises questions about the way hospitals deal with same-sex or unmarried partners of patients, which has led to controversy in the past. Hospital industry officials say they are constrained by patient privacy laws that can restrict giving visiting access and medical information to non-relatives, a stance that some patient advocates have branded as discriminatory.

Um... yeah. Because it is. Because the laws about who can be legally considered your family are archaic and based on religious morals that not everyone in the country shares. I have a friend who, while he isn't blood related to me, I consider a brother. I'd be pissed as hell if he weren't allowed in my hospital room. I'd be even more pissed if my fiance wasn't allowed to see me, or given any information about my condition, and vice versa. We're not married yet, so technically he's not related, right? But here's the thing: we probably wouldn't have to go through that. We're a nice, safe, hetero-seeming couple. We probably wouldn't even be questioned. I'm not saying it's unlikely that we would have this problem... I have no immediate way to prove to any hospital worker that I'm his fiance. But let's not lie to ourselves.. I know that it's LESS likely that we would have this problem. The discrimination in this case is clear, and becomes clearer as you read on.

Pond, 39, was pronounced dead of a brain aneurysm about 18 hours after being admitted to Jackson's Ryder Trauma Center. Langbehn said she was allowed in to see her partner only for about five minutes, as a priest gave Pond the last rites.

"I never thought almost 20 years of love and family could be disregarded in an instant," said Langbehn, a social worker who lives with her children in Lacey, Wash.

The suit, filed U.S. District Court in Miami, charges hospital social worker Garnett Frederick and physicians Alois Zauner and Carlos Alberto Cruz with negligence and "intentional infliction of emotional distress." The suit seeks damages in excess of $75,000.

My personal feelings about suing a public hospital aside, I still sympathize fully with Langbehn in this instance. I don't blame her a fucking bit for suing. To be treated like this on top of being heartbroken over the sudden loss of your long-time love... that has got to be the shittiest feeling in the world.

"No matter what your definition of family is, this family went through terrible indignities," said Donald Hayden, a Miami lawyer who joined the national advocacy group Lambda Legal in bringing the suit. "The partners here did everything they were supposed to do under law and were still denied visitation rights that should have been allowed."

Jackson officials declined to comment, except to say that the hospital follows state and federal laws on patient privacy that can forbid releasing health information to those outside the patient's immediate family.

And there it is again... the law that tells you who your family is. Blood only, as the religious texts dictate. My blood family is awesome, and I wouldn't mind any of them coming to see me or making decisions regarding my health. But I know a lot of people who the LAST thing they need is a blood family member around. It wouldn't be good for their health or their well-being in the least.

The hospital also may limit visitors if a patient is being treated for a trauma, emergency or serious infection, said Valda Clark Christian, an assistant county attorney representing Jackson.

That I can understand, but for fuck's sake, if your significant other is there and has power of attorney, she or he should at least be allowed to know what the fuck is going on! But oh wait... she wasn't allowed that, was she?

At a Miami press conference, Langbehn, 39, broke down when she recalled the eight hours she and her three adopted children - now ages 11, 12 and 14 - sat in a hospital waiting room with little knowledge of Pond's condition. "As I sat there wracking my brain, I would go outside and scream into the Miami night," she said. "I felt like a failure for not being there holding her hand."

Pond, Langbehn and the children arrived in Miami for a Caribbean cruise with R Family Vacations, a company run by Rosie O'Donnell and her partner Kelli that caters to gays and lesbians.

Pond was stricken shortly after boarding the ship Norwegian Jewel as she watched her children play basketball, Langbehn said. She and the children were told virtually nothing about Pond and not allowed to see her - even though Pond's sister arrived from Jacksonville and was sent straight to Pond's room.

See? Sister, blood relation, no question. So why does the hospital spokesperson even mention that they can't always let people in in cases of extreme trauma? They let the sister in.

When Pond was declared brain dead about 10 a.m. the next day, her heart, both kidneys and her liver were harvested for donation, according to her wishes, Langbehn said.

Linda Quick, president of the South Florida Hospital and Healthcare Association, said she did not think Jackson broke any laws or rules and chided the family for seeking money from a public hospital.

"Whether [Jackson] could have been more culturally sensitive, maybe. Do the [family members] deserve an apology? Probably," Quick said. "But that's tax money they are trying to get."

Maybe? PROBABLY? While I agree with this bitch about the tax money and all, she loses serious fucking points for the inanity, hypocrisy and absolute bigotry coming out of her mouth-hole. Oh, but she does make a good point: this is a PUBLIC hospital we're talking about here. One that's supposed to serve the PUBLIC, not go out of their way to ignore power of attorney and refuse admittance to a partner because they're same-sex. An apology is DEFINITELY, not probably, owed at the very least.

Federal health privacy laws say hospitals should not disclose details about a patient except to the nearest family member or someone with power of attorney. Hospitals legally do not have to allow visitors.

But they let the woman's sister in! While totally ignoring the fact that OH YEAH, there was a FAMILY MEMBER there with POWER OF FUCKING ATTORNEY who loved the patient just as much if not more, and was NOT allowed to see her. So, yes, they could try to use the "we don't legally have to allow visitors" card, but that shit is trumped by the fact that they let the patient's sister in to see her. Right in. No question.

Florida law spells out a priority list for who doctors should consult about a patient's health care: first, a guardian or health surrogate, then a spouse, adult child, parent, adult sibling, adult relative and finally a close friend.

Only reason Langbehn wasn't considered a spouse was because of the bullshit marriage laws that exist in this country. And in that charming little "anti-gay" state and city.

Normally, hospitals honor a power of attorney but there could be legal or logistical reasons that would interfere, said William Bell, attorney for the Florida Hospital Association.

Seems to me they honored the power of being born from the same womb... so again, because they let the sister in, that argument does not hold fucking water.

Quick said it may be time to modernize the law.

Oh MIGHT it? Really? You THINK?

"Today's lifestyles may require some broader interpretations of what is a family member," Quick said.

Man, her language is REALLY annoying. "May", "Probably", "Maybe"... why don't you just come out and say you don't like the idea of gay people having civil rights? You don't like the idea of what you consider abnormal people living what you consider to be normal lives. Fuck you and everyone like you. Grow some thumbs and evolve your mind, lady.

So, here's the thing. In this situation, if Langbehn had been a man and their children had been birth children, they would have been allowed to see Pond. They would have been given updates on her condition. They would have been treated as family, no question. But because this family did not fit into the accepted, religion-based definition of a "normal" family, they weren't treated as such. And these funditarted asswipes are trying to hide their bigotry behind the law. And the sad thing is that they CAN. Because the laws were made by funditarded asswipes. Fifty million years ago. In the dark ages, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and wouldn't let their dino wives go out with out their heads covered.

And here's the other thing, and what I think is the most important thing: the law of man should not, I repeat in caps NOT, come from the pulpit. The morals that govern some individuals do not apply to all individuals. To make government laws that effect EVERYONE based on any religious morals is... well, quite honestly it's immoral. You can't MAKE people not be gay. You can't MAKE people go to your church. They have free will and they should be able to do as they please without some asshole getting in their face with a bible and telling them it's a sin and OMG YOU'RE GOING TO BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY. The morals of any one religion shouldn't dictate what the people of a free, supposedly accepting society do with their lives. If you don't believe it's morally right, don't do it. Against abortion? Don't have one. Against gay marriage? Don't marry a gay person. Don't like to drink whiskey? Don't drink whiskey. Don't like people that don't believe in God? Don't hang out with them. But do not, NOT NOT impose your will or your morals or your ideals on another human being. It's really fucking simple, you know. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Help out your fellow man. Remove the beam from your own eye before you remove the mote from your neighbors eye. Stuff like that.

Oh, wait, is there stuff like that in the BIBLE? Is there REALLY?

Even if you're a bigoted, funditarded (you like that word? I'm gonna use it a lot) homophobe, you have, HAVE to admit that you cannot change the way people are. You can't ever have a world free of gays and people from other countries and people with different spiritual philosophies and people of different skin color... you can't ever, EVER have a world free of people who are different than you. Making laws against them and killing them and treating them as second-class citizens will NOT change that basic fact. It will only make things worse for everyone.

I mean, damn, I would love to live in a world free of screaming children and rude assholes and talentless hacks... but let's face it, that little personal utopia doesn't exist any more than Magical Happy Rainbow Gumdrop Land does. You will never have your own personal Magical Happy Rainbow Gumdrop Land. So if you can't accept the fact that other people don't believe in what you believe in and never will, at least have the common decency to LEAVE THOSE PEOPLE ALONE. Then maybe we'll all get as close as we can to Magical Happy Rainbow Gumdrop Land as we can without getting all up in each other's faces.

FUCK.

2008-06-23T01:29:00.003-04:00

I am filled with supreme sadness.

This is why.

Fucking goddamn, I'd hoped he'd last us just a little bit longer.

I can't... I'm really fucking sad right now. Celebrity deaths generally don't affect me, but this is a different story. It's late and I'm too upset to type this. I can't even imagine him dead... fuck.

Probably it was a relief for him.

Seriously, guys... seriously.

2008-06-21T09:51:00.003-04:00

It's been a while. Would that I could titillate your eyes and other senses with a long and colorful rant, but, alas, it is difficult for me right now. Can't tell you why. I just know that it's so. And I am still amazed that this is my only post for June. What the fuck is happening here? Which muse do I complain to? Do the muses even have a complaints department, and if so, will the little satyr that works there even take me seriously? I mean what kind of form do I have to fill out and turn in to get inspired, here?

Anyway, pretty much my life sucks, and that's why I've only been Twittering. It's just easier.

I promise I remember how to write and will do so once again.

You know what I saw the other day. My very first goth combover. No, it wasn't at the Cure show, though there were some interesting haircuts on the older crowd there. But I digress. Goth combover. This guy had very sparse, very thin hair, and he had it all teased up Robert Smith-style. Problem with this was... well, the dude had a huge bald spot. I mean, you could pretty much see his entire scalp anyway, but even this did not disguise the fact that he had quite a large stretch of scalp with nothin' growin' out of it.

Worst thing is... he was with a friend. She didn't have anything wrong with her... no badly applied lipstick, no ill-fitting pleather clothing, not even a piece of toilet paper stuck to the sole of her shoe. You gotta wonder... what kind of friend lets you go out in public with your hair like that? A shitty friend, I say. A friend who does not really love you.

The moral of this story is: friends don't let friends walk around with horrible hair.

Or something like that. Christ, it's late, and I have to work tomorrow morning. Fuck fuck fuckity-poop. I will not promise more blogging later, because every time I do that I end up not posting for an entire month. So, no promises, which probably means that I'll write up another post tomorrow. One hopes. YOU hope. Oh, don't deny it, you love me.

Why no this is not a list post whatever made you think that ha ha ha

2008-05-30T22:10:00.004-04:00

First of all, I was going to do another list, but I can't do two list posts in a row. I have a survey blog on the Myspaz, I don't need to dirty the water over here with that shit.

Second of all, I resisted for all of a week, but Stepher's urgent plea has won me over... I am now on Twitter. Follow me, like little lemmings, follow me. And I, in turn, will follow you. Follow you, wherever you may go. There isn't a mountain too--ah, dammit, now that song is stuck in my head. Bah. Lucky for you that I have a fucking RAD AS HELL playlist at the bottom of this blog. Why is it rad as hell? Well, first of all, I put it together and I have better taste in music than you. Oh, you can try and deny it. You might even try to fight me. And I will fight you. Because I fight for what's right. And I'm right.

Third of all, this is turning into a list post. Goddamn it. Oh well, can't be helped.

Fourth of all, I've added some new linkage. Since this is a boring and short post devoid of my usual fun-loving rants and/or scathing contempt for humanity ramblings, you can look over some of the links to the side. I will link you if you want... if you don't suck. If you suck... no linky for j00!!!

I will now refrain from listing. Must.. refrain... from... saying... "fifth of all"... must resist!!!

Wow, Shatnerian dialog really does help you resist those powerful urges.

Better rants later. One hopes.

What happened to the angries? Where did they go?

2008-05-21T09:39:00.003-04:00

While I am always full of hate and anger and doom and such things, I admit of late they have not had specific targets... thus the lack of constant posting. I do have some ranting planned... some of it serious, some of it not so much, but at the moment I'm fighting off some weird allergy-related two-day headache demon beast, so a longer post is not possible today, I am afraid. Thus... the round-up!

1. First of all, you might have noticed my sweet, sweet new logo. I give the great thanks and mad props to Ford at Whistling In The Graveyard for sending that to me. He is my homeslice. Make a note of it. You fuck with Ford, you fuck with me, and that ain't no good. Nobody wants to fuck with me.

2. Okay, if you're balding, just do it gracefully. Growing it out longer in back does not make up for it being gone in front. Nor does teasing it up. It just gives me something to laugh at. If you're comfortable with being laughed at, then by all means continue this trend. Otherwise, cut that shit short or shave it off. But don't go the Billy Corgan route and start dressing like a lame Nosferatu. Unless, as previously stated, you like to be laughed at.

3. I rearranged my playlist at the bottom of the blog. The first track is my current obsession. Aesop Rock remixed a Mountain Goats song: "Lovecraft In Brooklyn." It's better than the original, which says a lot, because I heart the Goats. I'm normally not a big fan of hip-hop in general, but I gotta say that I do quite like Aesop Rock. Much more intelligent and interesting than the top 40 shit that my boss makes me listen to.

4. The daycare center next to me has a petting zoo set up in their parking lot for some unknown reason. I thought I heard turkeys this morning but I was sure it was a hallucination brought on by my massive sinus headache of DOOM which is only now relenting. I only mention this because I fucking hate that daycare and one day I'm going to firebomb it. Not while the kids are there, though. I mean I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm a bigoted baby killer.

5. Why are emos so lame? Why do they offend me so much? I'm starting to think it's because they are destroying the darkness and ennui that I love. Plus their hair is ridiculous. But making fun of emos anymore is like kicking poodles... it's a nice thought, but when it comes down to actually doing it, it kind of makes you feel bad. It's somewhat satisfying, though... so I'll probably keep doing it. Making fun of emos, that is, and not kicking poodles.

All right. This ought to keep you happy until next time. Toodly-oodles!

Village Daycare.

2008-05-11T01:00:00.001-04:00

Listen to me. Listen to me because I'm going to only say this one time. Okay, maybe I'll say it more than one time, but that's only because I know you're not really listening. Also I tend to get really distracted and forget that I just said something I was going to say and then I say it again.

But, seriously, listen.

This practice of taking your children out into public and then expecting the public to babysit them while you go about your day, parents. This practice, it must cease. You are taking this whole "it takes a village" thing WAY too literally. Let me tell you a story that illustrates this point. You knew I was going to tell you a story, right? I am.

This woman came into my main place of employment, which is a retail establishment, with four children. There was a baby--in a stroller the size of Texas, naturally--an eight-year-old, and two toddlers somewhere between the ages of five and three, the younger of the two also in a smaller stroller, which the eight-year-old is pushing. The woman--who actually seemed to be a bit young to have all those children, but these days nothing would surprise me--proceeds to park the SUV stroller by a counter, and start shopping, leaving her charges to run riot in the store.

Now, the oldest kid wasn't a huge problem. She was just kind of a lump. Apparently the mother expected her to keep an eye on the other three children. Which she did, but that was about it. When the little girl started messing around with something small and breakable, one of my co-workers had to stop her. When they started running around in the store, I had to be the one to say something to them. When the baby started crying--as most of them do, apparently, if they're left ignored in a corner when they're hungry or need changing--another one of my co-workers went over to the baby and tried to hush it. Mommy did nothing; just kept shopping.

Maybe I should mention that the baby started SCREAMING and could not be hushed. Maybe I should mention that the two toddlers were, at one point, taking turns pushing each other in the smaller stroller, each time trying to go as fast as their little legs could move. Maybe I should mention that the little boy had a badminton racket (from where he procured this item I have no earthly clue) and was waving it about indiscriminately. Maybe I should mention that where I work, there are a lot of glass shelves with a lot of tiny glass things in glass containers sitting upon them.

Maybe I should mention that the only kind of discipline the woman exhorted over the children she had charge of was telling the oldest girl, in curt Spanish, to do something about the baby. (I only assume this, as I'm pretty bad with Spanish.) The something the child did was to go stand by the screaming beast and flaccidly rock the stroller back and forth. The baby did not stop screaming. Looking at its face, you could tell it was in a great deal of discomfort and distress. But for the nearly half hour nightmare we endured while these people were in our store, the mother barely looked at the baby, let alone did anything to comfort it. As disgusting as it would have been for her to decide to change the baby, and as uncomfortable as I am with public breastfeeding, I would have rather seen both of those things than endured one more moment of that awful shrieking. I mean, I get annoyed enough when I hear a screaming baby or kid... but quite honestly hearing a baby or kid that is screaming because it's suffering annoys and upsets me. I have a pretty even temper, but I had to leave the room before I yelled at this stupid bitch.

I mean, who the fuck acts like that? Who the fuck brings a gaggle of children into a shop and then expects the clerks to supervise their children while they shop? We are not fucking daycare workers, you know. We're here to help you in any way we can with the purchase of the goods that our store provides, and the explanation of how to use said goods. Our helpfulness is not expanded towards babysitting your little twat hatchlings.

Yet, because we are charged with not only the care of the store, but also the care of the customer, we are frequently shoved into situations where we have to watch children. Or we risk damage to the store's product, and damage to the store's customer service reputation.

Sometimes, though, the good of one outweighs the other. There have been several instances where I've had to say something to a child because its parent was totally oblivious. We have a couple displays that are rather fragile, and when a child goes to mess with it, I have to shout out a warming. I don't like shouting at other people's children. I don't want to shout at other people's children. I shouldn't have to shout at other people's children. But I am not going to get my place of employment sued by some dumbass parents who were too clueless to educate their child that going up to a full-length mirror and headbutting it is NOT A GOOD IDEA.

Ready for another story? Of course you are.

The front of our shop is mostly plate glass. One lovely morning, a group of four little bored bratmonsters decided they were going to play a fun little game called "Let's run from one side of the hall to the other and hurl ourselves against the wall!" Except.. one of the walls was, you guessed it, our plate glass storefront.

The first horrific "WHAM!" alerted me to the situation. The second one, which made the plate glass shiver (along with my spine) prompted me to run into the hallway and stop them from making a third.

"Do NOT do that! That is not a good idea! You could hurt yourselves!"

My comment did nothing but elicit laughter from the parents (four of them), who were standing three feet away watching their children hurl themselves bodily at a sheet of glass. Now let me ask you. What fucking parent stands there and LAUGHS as their children run into glass? What if the window had broken? It very well could have if I'd let them continue. And why was it that I was the one who had to tell them to stop slamming their bodies into a breakable substance? The first horrible noise should have alerted them that not only were their children putting themselves in danger, but they were being obnoxious little animals and making horrible loud noises and running recklessly around in public places.

Here's some food for thought, people. If you really want to take your children out in public and show them off... then show off their good manners. Show off your good parenting. If the kid is misbehaving, immediately tell them to stop. If they don't stop, then take them away. If the kid is causing a disturbance, remove it from the area. I know that means you won't get your shopping done, but quite honestly that's what you signed up for when you decided to breed. You signed up to raise and socialize another little human being, and that means teaching it how to behave in public. If you do that, then you save us the bother of being shoved into the unpaid position of being your little sprogling's unofficial sitters. Which makes us very happy.

And that's really what life's about, yeah? Happiness. Spread a little bit around, and maybe some will come back to you. And remember... it really does not take a village to raise a child. It just takes a parent or two.

Just a litle gloat...

2008-05-06T21:38:00.002-04:00

...because, quite honestly, it's not often that the dude I voted for actually wins something.

North Cackalacky FTW!

Some of my BEST FRIENDS are childfree!

2008-05-04T21:30:00.005-04:00

All right. I'd started writing a new entry chronicling yet another lovely experience I'd had with an idiot with too many undisciplined children in a retail environment, but this is going to have to wait. It's going to have to wait because I have found something I really need to tear apart again.

Oh, yes, by the way, this is your official ***length warning***. I hate putting it in the title of the post. So... I don't.

This came from an actual blog entry by someone who is on Blogger. If she makes it back to this page (and she probably will because I am linking her) then I just want her to know that I don't hate her, or her kids. It is her ignorance that I despise. It is her holier-than-thou attitude that has got me irked. Especially since it seems like she's a pretty open-minded person, or at least considers herself such. I don't know her personally, nor do I wish to, and I'm sure after she reads my blog, she will feel the same way I do. I found this particular blog entry by doing a search for childfree blogs, just so it's clear. I didn't set out to pick on this person in particular. There are a lot of dumbasses out there talking shit about the childfree, believe me. One of the links I found was to a white supremacist website that proclaimed "The Childfree Are Killing The White Race!!!111one!!1". I mean damn. That's just so stoopid it doesn't even need me to take it down. It's like kicking an ugly puppy.

Anyway, my responses to this blog post might seem as if I am directing them exclusively towards the person who posted them. It's hard not to see it that way. I just want to take this moment to say that my comments are not exclusive to the OP alone. When I say "you", it means "all of you who hold this point of view." Just so we're clear on that. Moving on.

This is the entry that started all the angry swirling in my head: Linky! Of course you don't really need to click on that link unless you really want to, because I am about to take her entry apart right here for your reading pleasure. Her... rather misinformed words are in blue, mine are in a lovely shade of blood red of DOOM.

I love childfree people. I don't mean that sarcastically, I really do. I'll tell you why.

I love people who make conscious lifestyle decisions. I love people who make socially and environmentally responsible choices. And let's face it, not adding people to the population, especially not even replacement people, has a lot to be said for it. Childfree families have the ability to use fewer resources and their nonexistent descendants don't use any.

Okay. This seems pretty nice so far, if a little condescending. She at least recognizes that CFers are making an informed, intelligent life choice. So, no sarcasm here, either, thank you for noticing that. It's not always a conscious lifestyle decision, though. A lot of us go through life from a very young age knowing that we don't want children. We don't feel we're making a personal sacrifice for the greater good of humanity, though that is a nice little perk. I can't speak for all CF people (and wouldn't presume to) but a lot of us just don't like people and we don't want any more of them.

I love the contributions they make. People without kids are able (though not necessarily willing) to put way more focus outside of their own immediate family and circumstances. They can make greater commitments to outside obligations and society at large.

Okay, wait. "Not necessarily willing"? Though, again, I appreciate you noting that childfree people have the ability to commit themselves to higher causes, I have to say that little comment in parenthesis is fucking condescending as hell. So, what, are we only any good if we're willing to contribute to the betterment of society? Are we shit otherwise? Are we leading empty hollow meaningless existences if we don't put some of our extra income in the UNICEF jar? This little half-sentence speaks volumes to me. It seems to me you only approve of the childfree lifestyle if we use our spare time and money to help other people.

Childfree people by choice are usually happy with their decision. So they add all these benefits to society, and they're not suffering for it. That's a beautiful thing, in my opinion. I am always aghast when I hear of people pestering the childfree to have children, or telling them they're selfish, or whatever other stupid completely unconsidered comment that is thrown out there. There will always be people having children; upbraiding people for not having children is absurd.

Upbraiding people for not having children is absurd, yes. Obviously I agree with that statement. But... and there is a big BUT coming up...

However.

There is a putative subset of the childfree population who are active child haters. If you stumble into the wrong places on the internet, you will find them, referring to children and their parents by really offensive, perjorative terms, describing their writhing agony at having to share the world with children and parents, whipping themselves into a froth at the most insignificant, minor encounters with this hated and despised population.

And if you stumble into the wrong places on the internet, you'll find parents referring to childfree people as selfish, uncaring, Godless, soulless beasts. It hurts us more because they MEAN it.

You will find long and completely uninhibited diatribes against "breeders" and "crotch droppings." You will find violent fantasies posted in lurid detail about ways to rid the world of these undesirables.

We call the people who just pop out children with no thought or consequence and let them just do whatever they like "breeders." We call the people who actually make sure their little humans learn that talking in the movie theater is rude "parents." And goddamn, doesn't anyone have a sense of fucking humor anymore? "Crotchdroppings" is fucking funny. To quote Larry The Cable Guy (I can't believe I'm doing this) "I don't care who you are, that's funny right there." Okay, so maybe it's not funny to you. Not everyone has the same sense of humor. That's a documented fact. But surely you can tell hate-filled bigoted rants from the jokes of frustrated people who are sick of the child-centric society they have to live in and need to let the shit out? Yeah? This is how dark humor is born; intelligent minds get frustrated with the mundane world around them and poke fun at it. "Crotchdropping" is simply a jab at the child-idolatry that surrounds us.

Those people are not "childfree." I'll tell you why.

Oh, please, do. Because a childed person like you has TOTAL understanding about what it is to be childfree. And since you have no sense of humor, you should know I was using sarcasm there. That's what that was.

Because they are actually more burdened by children than anyone else. They wear children like stones around their neck, monkeys on their back, and they do it by choice. They choose to wallow in misdirected hatred, make themselves miserable, butt up against this little thing called "Reality" kicking and screaming. Tantrumming, if you will. They engage in making up fantasy scenarios to rid the world of their "enemies" -- who are largely oblivious to their existence.

You know what fantasy is for, don't you? It's an escape from the harsh burden of reality. Not all of us can bear it all the time, so sometimes we just have to set the fucker down. The fantasy scenarios you describe are born from frustration with the reality of having to deal with self-important idiots who are living their OWN fantasy that they are the Greatest Thing Ever because they CHOSE to go through all the agony of parenthood. These fantasies that the CF have about putting every screaming child and oblivious parent in a building and blowing it up are no more likely to occur than a pink unicorn entering this world from a parallel dimension where fairy butterflies sing and laugh all day. Okay? Don't get yourself all worked up about it. Not only that, but this is a gross generalization that is only true for about 0.0001% of the CF population.

They're not childfree. They are childraddled. And more than a little childish.

First of all, is childraddled even a word? How would you define it if it were? Because I'm sorry... I don't get it. A CF person actually tends to not associate with children at all, so... how could they be raddled with them? Also, "raddled" is showing up with a red line under it in my spell check, so I'm guessing it's the same sort of word that shows up with a red line under it in spell check when I'm writing my fantasy stories.

They're also bigots. This is perhaps one of bigotry's last stands, the last population group it is somehow safe to spew hatred at. (Because generally, children aren't going rally themselves and file lawsuits.) If you read any child hating diatribe, and substitute the word "black" or "white" or "mentally disabled" for the word "spawn," you will see what I mean. Hate is hate; the group you choose to spew that towards is largely irrelevant. It has little to do with them and everything to do with you.

What? WHAT? I'm sorry... WHAT? BIGOTS? Are you kidding me. Are you sitting there, generalizing about an insignificant portion of the population whose point of view you are not even empathic nor privy to, and then working up the nerve to call THEM bigots? SERIOUSLY? Not only that, but if, as you stated earlier, children are "largely oblivious" to the (I cannot stress this enough) insignificantly TINY portion of the world's population that hates and loathes and despises them... then what's the big deal? A little baby is not gonna be overly concerned with the fact that user "sprogfree4lyfe" just described it as a "crotchdumpling" on a private, unknown internet forum. Okay? Even if this is all bitter diatribes spewed forth by hateful bigots... who is it hurting? The pride of holier-than-thou breeders who think their greatest contribution to society is squirting out a little cabbage every nine months? Yeah, that's right, I said it, and you know what? No children were offended by the posting of this sentence. Very few parents would be, too. I guess the breeders would be offended, though. Humor that hits too close to the mark is rarely a pleasant experience for those marked. Then again, there are you poor deprived souls out there who have no sense of humor whatsoever. As tempting as it is to say that I can't fucking stand a fucking asshole who has no sense of fucking humor... honestly I feel sorry for your people. Life is really not that serious. It's just a ride. Let go of your shit and enjoy it.

I support and applaud people in a decision to be childfree. I will not support child hatred. There isn't (or shouldn't be) any "safe space" to incite hatred or fantasize about violence. Childfree people have legitimate complaints about the way clueless and tactless people treat them or comment on their lifestyle; that doesn't confer the right to sink beyond clueless and tactless into cruel and vicious.

So, if there shouldn't be any "safe place" to fantasize about violence, then I guess watching movies is out, huh. And reading books. And writing them. Or even thinking thoughts! Don't fantasize about bitch-slapping the jerk who just called you a breeder moo idiot! It's not healthy! You shouldn't be having these bad, bad, thoughts! You are ABOVE such things! Come on, you know that's bullshit. I know and you know that you wouldn't ever really bitch-slap somebody. As much as I talk about doing it, I never actually DO, and I never have, and I most likely never will. As for inciting hatred... I'm sorry, but I just have to laugh at that. We might say we hate breeders, we hate their kids... but it's just coming from a profound frustration. When it comes down to it, we don't really hate kids... at our worst we're just indifferent to them. It's really the bad behavior of the kids and the parents that we hate.

If you're cruel and vicious, you're a miserable person. It's not the fault of the kids or the Jews or uppity women or wops. It's all you, baby. Get thee to a therapist, your head needs shrinking.

So... it's okay for you to use a racist term when you're telling us what bigots we are? Listen, people, we do not hate children. For the fifty-millionth fucking time. Some of us love them, some of us like them fine, some of us are ambivalent towards them, and some of us just don't care to have them around. Unless we're burning crosses in the front lawns of daycares, or firebombing strollers--which obviously we aren't--then how in the fuck can you say we're bigoted towards children? Listen. You are generalizing about a group of people whom you do not understand. A lot of people, perhaps even people like you, would call that bigotry. I call it ignorance. But honestly, the last two paragraphs of this original blog were the ones that upset me enough to write this one. No one likes to be falsely accused of bigotry, especially by a sanctimonious, humorless person who doesn't have a fucking clue what they're talking about.

There's an episode of South Park where Stan (white kid) keeps insisting to Token (black kid) that he "really does understand how hard it is for black people." And Token keeps saying: "No, dude. You DON'T." And it's not until the end when Stan finally comes up to Token and says: "Token. I finally understand. I don't get it. I'll NEVER get it." And Token smiles and says: "That's it, man. You got it." Obviously I'm not quoting the episode verbatim, but the general sentiment is there. Parents. The more you keep insisting that you "get" why we're childfree, the less you actually do "get" it. It's when you're able to say that you DON'T get it, that you finally get it. You will NEVER understand our point of view, our humor, our choices. Just as we will never fully fathom yours.

And before you even fucking say it (because I know you thought it), yes, I realize that comparing the choice of being childfree to being born black is rather a weak one. Really it's more of a social prejudice, much like that faced by atheists or homosexuals, in that we do not fit into the preset, conditioned norms that most members of society are expected to. But more on that particular brand of misanthropy later. I've gone on long enough. It's time for me to eat some cookies.

Also, quickly.

2008-04-26T01:01:00.002-04:00

If anyone wants me to link their blog, please let me know by commenting here. I have a pretty high offense content thing and refuse to put up one of those lame-ass "DUR dis blog is for BIG ppl r u a BIG ppl?" warnings that Blogger give you the lovely option of doing now. I just want to be sure that you don't mind traffic from my site. Not that I generate a shitload of traffic or anything, but I'm sure I have lurkers. I'm pretty wide open here.

Contrariwise, if I have linked anyone and you don't want me to have you linked, also let me know. You don't have to do it in comments; you can send me an e-mail.

Kthx.

Bai!

Bullshit! It is here! I can smell it!

2008-04-25T23:11:00.005-04:00

Okay, I know you've all seen this before. Either as a forwarded e-mail or a Myspace bulletin, or as a Wall post on Facebook. And they make you want to vomit. Don't they? They make me want to vomit.

But I shall not vomit. Instead, I shall tear this stupid fucking piece of work apart, and share with you my reasons for why this shit pisses me off so much i start spitting daggers and writing angry run-on sentences and forgetting about capitalization and eventually just degenerating into a mangled aaarrrggghhhHHHHGAAAAAAHHHHHHHH/!!!!!!!

ahem. Anyway. The body of the bulletin is colored here, for your edification, in green. My own comments, as always in situations like this, are in red.

A woman, renewing her driver’s license at the County Clerk ’s office, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
Because, in that moment, she suddenly realized that her life was meaningless and her children and her religion and her own self were not special and her entire lifestyle was an enormous sham. Either that or she was so stupid she really couldn't think of what actually occupied her empty, meaningless life.

’What I mean is, ’ explained the recorder, 'do you have a job or are you just a ...?’
..a moron? Yeah, she's just a moron.

’Of course I have a job,’ snapped the woman. 'I’m a Mom.’

’We don’t list ’Mom’ as an occupation, 'housewife’ covers it,’ said the recorder emphatically.
Unless you're not really a housewife, you're just a Mom. Which basically means you squirt out cabbages for a living (or rather lack thereof.) I'd go ahead and take "housewife" if I were you, lady.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.
You were in the "same situation", eh? Me thinks this "same situation" is probably a fantasy hatched in your mind after the "same situation" happened to you. I'm pretty positive "her story" is "your story." Housewife.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, ’Official Interrogator’ or ’Town Registrar.' ’What is your occupation?’ she probed.
Woah, hey! This is an anecdotal e-mail, lady, not a Penthouse letter! I mean, kudos for getting probed by the hot librarian type in what was your first lesbian experience since college, but we don't need to hear about it.

What made me say it? I do not know.
It was probably Satan.

The words simply popped out.
Just like all the babies popped out!

’I’m a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.’
Okay, seriously, that's just bullshit language and no one should take a job title like that seriously, ever, in the history of ever.

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
Ooooh, pronouncement. I bet you were pretty proud of yourself, coming up with that word. Did you get that out of a Danielle Steele novel? No, wait, Danielle Steele is probably a little too racy for you. I'm lookin' at ya thinking you're more of the Fern Michaels or Debbie McCormac ilk.

’Might I ask,’ said the clerk with new interest, ’just what you do in your field?’

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, ’I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn’t) in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).
And see, if I was that clerk, I would have been hard-pressed not to reply: "Really. I have a continuing program of research into sniffing out bullshit, and I think I smell some right now. You look like a soccer mom to me, lady."

I’m working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters).
By far this is the most vomitriocus statement thus far. Hold on, let me get a mint, to get rid of the vomit flavor in my mouth. Okay. Now. "I'm working FOR my Masters" basically means you're a slave. Lemme ask you this, lady... how many credits do you have to pop out to get your freedom?

Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.’
Oh, look at you! You need me to just go ahead and nail you to the cross? Wait, wait, let me get out my tiny violin so I can play it for you. Oh lookie, look... it's the world's smallest violin! Isn't it amazing? Who would have thought something so little mattered soooo much?

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk’s voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
It becomes obvious to me that this entire story is a work of fiction, and the only place it ever took place in is in the imagination of the MOO who wrote this. Most likely this little fantasy was hatched in her mind as she walked aimlessly through Target, thinking of the time she was called a "housewife" once by a clerk at Town Hall who probably could not have given a shit WHAT she did for a living as long as she would just fucking SAY it instead of wasting the clerk's time hemming and hawing about whether being a MOM was a full-time job or not. "I'm not a housewife!" this moo thought angrily to herself as she let her fingers run over Issac Mizrah's latest shower curtain collection. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations! That's what I should have told that clerk!" And, unfortunately for the rest of us, this bulletin was promptly written up on a mommy blog and inflicted upon us via the wonder of the world wide intarwebs. I mean, honestly, read back over this thing. Does it sound just a little too thought-out to be a sudden spur-of-the-moment retort to an officious clerk? Methinks it do.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
OMG how CUTE!!!11!!!!11! She says "lab assistants" but she's really talking about her KIIIIDS! OMG I would have NEVAR thought of that that is soooo cuuute! Seriously. What the fuck. Get over your bullshit.

Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.
Screaming its little bastard head off, you mean.

I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than ’just another Mom.’
You might have felt that you "scored a beat" on bureaucracy, but actually all you've done is given yourself a new name in another language. Much as some people decide to re-name themselves "Raven" to reflect the blackness in their souls, or re-name themselves "Sister Walks With Wolves" because they have a 8/110th Native American blood and they like wolves a lot. Your self-styled "Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." title is bullshit for "just another Mom."

Motherhood!

What a glorious career! Especially when there’s a title on the door.
What's so glorious about it? You got laid, squeezed out a loaf, and when you got tons of attention and praise for doing it, you did it again and will continue to do it again as much as possible. It feeds your ego and sense of entitlement. Thus, I suppose, the inventing of a bullshit title for yourself.

Does this make Grandmothers ’Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations’. And Great-Grandmothers ’Executive Senior Research Associates?’
So basically, what you're trying to say is that you're the latest in a long line of women who were willing to sit at home and pop out babies all day long, and you want to make yourself feel better about it.

I think so!!!
Oh you DO, do you! Well since you're so fucking clever I guess you're right!

I also think it makes Aunts 'Associate Research Assistants'.
Okay, first of all, I ain't researching or assisting you because I ain't fuckin' associating with you. Oh, and because I'm just an Aunt, I guess that means I get a junior position in your little fantasy hierarchy. Yeah, you know what, I prefer fantasies involving elves and unicorns and fairies. I'll go associate myself with that rather.

And there it is. Just say what you are. If you weren't secretly disappointed in yourself for choosing motherhood over any other occupation, then you wouldn't come up with bullshit titles for your self-inflicted "job". You're a fucking MOM. Deal with it, and quit posting those fucking bulletins, seriously. I just got the vomit up out of my carpet.

The Week's Top Five.

2008-04-23T14:34:00.003-04:00

No time or energy for a full on big daddy major rant today. Just the ranty/thoughty round-up:

1. In case any of you were curious, I did wear the dress again, and no one thought I was preggers. I did get compliments on how cute it was, though. HA. I have win. It is a part of me always.

2. Okay, seriously, if you're going to meander through the halls of a public place with your goddamn SUV-sized strollers, don't walk slowly side-by-side and take up the ENTIRE FUCKING HALLWAY with your goddamn brat-mobiles! You know, so other people who the world doesn't revolve around can get by you. Oh, and also, if you have other kids with you, try and make sure they don't knock down or injure total strangers because they were running around unsupervised and weren't watching where they were going and collided with an old man with a cane? Could ya try and manage to do that? That would be GREAT.

3. HOOOOOLLLLLEEEEE FUCK GRIZZLY BEAR IS THE BEST BAND EVAR. Well, okay, I have to calm down a bit. I forgot to watch them on Conan the other night, but luckily my friend pointed me out to the video posted on Brooklynvegan. It's a new song. OMG OMG OMG. Why are they so good? Why do I love them so much? I mean, I really resisted listening to them at first, but it was just like... one day I listened to one of their songs (I think it was "Knife") and it was like a light went off in my head. This light flashed the words: "OMG AWEZOME". Over and over again. But, seriously, I think I'm going to update my playlist now. Oh, yeah, did you guys notice there's a playlist at the bottom of my blog? It is music that is superior to your weakling music. You may disagree, but don't do it in front of me, lest I destroy you with my laser eyeballs and my mandibles of DOOM.

4. The NC Primaries are coming. Short of hiding in my room with a soundproof foam coating my head parts, I don't know how I'm going to deal with this shit. I've made up my mind, and the more you try to change it, the more resistant I will be towards changing it. I have picked my candidate and I am sticking with my candidate because my candidate is, while not 100%, at least over 70% representative of my best interests. I refuse to have a political discussion with anyone until at least October. Or November. Let's make it November. Sounds good to me.

5. I went and hunted down my Johari and Nohari windows. Have fun. I can take it. For those of you who have no idea what they are, allow me to inform you the instructions are in clear English on the links provided. HAR! I made you click on links. You are a slave to my powers.

And you know what this blog needs? More cowbell. I've got a fever! And the only cure is... blog bumper stickers that make references to things I think are totally awesome. Jesus Tittyfuckin' Christ on a pogo stick, I am a sad, sad little person.

When you put it on, when you put it on...

2008-04-16T23:41:00.006-04:00

Well, damn. I haven't had a thing to rant about for so long. Mostly because I'm so fucking busy and tired that I don't have the energy to sound off. I mean, I get all pissed off about something and I'm all "yeah, man, I'm gonna write up a rant about this because this shit is fucking fucked up, maaaan!" And then, I dunno... it's like all the energy runs out of me and I'm just to exhausted to care. I mean I can't even haul my ass to the toilet to give a shit.

I use lovely language when I'm worn out, do I not? Of course I do.

Then I thought to myself ('cause that's what I do, man. I think) that even though I do not give a shit enough about something to rant about it, that it's no reason for not posting a rant, right?

Logic always gets into my world eventually. It just has to take kind of a roundabout way to get there, and once it's in, it's still not quite sure where it's ended up.

Here's a story for you: I recently got a really nice new dress, and the weather let me wear it the next day. This was not a loose dress that I wore. It was not particularly tight, either, but just a regular everyday dress. I liked it. I looked cute in it. In fact, if the weather's nice tomorrow, I'm going to wear it again.

Why do I mention the dress? Because the first goddamn compliment I got on it, the conversation went something like this:

Clueless Dumbass Bitch: Oh, I just love your dress. It's so cute! Where did you get it?

Me: (unsuspecting of CDB's clueless dumbassery) Oh, thanks. It came from Express. (Actually it came from the thrift store, but it came from Express originally. I don't tell people I dislike about the awesome thrift stores I go to, so they won't end up there bugging me.)

CDB: Because I'm looking for something like that for my daughter-in-law. She's expecting and it's just so hard to find something cute for her to wear.

Me: (trying to be polite, i have no idea why) Ah. Well. This... isn't a maternity dress.

CDB: Oh, really? It works really well on you.

Me: Um... I'm not pregnant.

CDB: Oh. Well that would still be the cutest little maternity dress. Where did you say you got it from again?

Me: AAAAAAAAARGGGGGHHHHHH (and then I leapt over the counter and tore out her throat. Okay, so that last part only happened metaphorically. It still helps me to think that I actually physically maimed her.)

Just the thought that people assume I'm pregnant is bad enough. I'm 5'7" and I weigh 170lbs. Not the lightest most delicate airy fairy on the block, I realize. But goddamn it, I don't look like I've swallowed a goddamn couple of bowling balls! And even giving this lady the benefit of the doubt (like she might have had brain worms or something and been hallucinating) I still don't see why she felt a need to comment on the fact that she thought I had a little loafling waiting to hatch in my uterus. It's rude as hell, number one, to assume that just because someone's got a little belly, they're preggers. And number two, it's rude as hell to state that assumption OUT the fuck LOUD.

What's even more delightful is that later in the day, a completely different woman asked me "if I had a baby inside me."

To use the internets parlance: 'WTFOMGLOLBBQ".

The second woman at least understood the horrified look that came onto my face when she said that. She had a somewhat valid excuse for thinking what she thought; she worked with pregnant women a lot. I'm guessing that constant exposure to all the stupid rays that shoot out of pregnant women's uteruses put this woman in a tragic state of constant "belly hallucination", whereupon any belly that was not as wasted and sunken as her own looks as if it must surely have a baby inside it.

I wish I'd been a bit more on point at that moment. Instead of responding with: "Oh, God, no!" I would have responded with: "Yeah, I just had lunch, and it was new baby with roasted red potatoes and asparagus. It was delicious, but I'm worried I had too heavy of a meal too early in the day 'cause now I'm all sleepy." Next time. Next time I've got my answer ready.

Fucking hell, man, maybe it is the dress. Tomorrow, weather permitting, will be the acid test. I just get horrified when people think I'm pregnant. There's that small moment of irrational fear, initially, when I think to myself: "oh FUCK. maybe I AM pregnant!" Then there's the sudden nausea, as the idea of being pregnant and having some little living organism inside me slowly but surely seeping away at my life juices revolts me to my core. Just the thought that I could possibly have been infected with life, though it is nigh unpossible, makes me get the shivering horrors. Still, I would hate for said shivering horrors at the thought of getting knocked up interfere with my enjoyment of a cute little dress that I got for five bucks--FIVE BUCKS!!!--that's a brand name and looks good on me. So I'm going to wear my cute little dress goddamn it, regardless of how many ignorant dildos ask me if I have baby in me.

I have got. My answer. Ready.

Next time, just say the dress is cute and leave it at that!

For fuck's fucking sake, people!

2008-03-31T14:56:00.006-04:00

My god. What I have been forced to endure today has been nothing short of psychological torture.

Imagine yourself with a part time job at a little shop full of fragile little things. Imagine yourself alone in this shop all day, cleaning and caring for all these fragile little things and the shelves they sit upon. Imagine that you actually care about this job; that even though it doesn't pay much, it means a lot to you. The welfare of the business means a lot to you. So much that you don't want anything in the shop to be stolen or damaged and so much that no matter what, you will NOT be rude to a customer, even when they are rude and horrible to you.

Imagine, now, the horror and despair I felt when, at an unspecified time this day, a woman came in with two small boys under the age of five. Two very active, verbal small boys under the age of five. Now, let me explain the word "active" as it applies to small children in a retail environment. "active" means "wants to touch and/or play with everything in sight, including and especially very breakable items made of glass." Now as for the word "verbal", it means in this instance two things: "yelling 'ooooooh, look mommy mommy loooook!' over and over again without breathing and even when mommy is looking" and also "screaming at the top of your lungs when mommy takes away the expensive glass thing that you have tucked beneath one arm as you run around the store."

So. As I was saying. A woman comes into the shop with two active, verbal boys under the age of five, and already I am viewing the situation with extreme nervousness. Mommy somewhat has control of the situation, though I don't think much of her allowing her children to hold certain items because they will start screeching if she does not. I force myself to remain calm as the children and mommy ooh and ahh over certain things, picking them up and passing them around to the chorus of "mommy! let me hold it! let ME hold it!" Mommy has actually got a few items in her hands as they move around the shop, so I figure she's going to buy them.

And then. Mommy's cell phone rings. Mommy answers it, despite the fact that all of her attention thus far has been focused on keeping her two active, verbal, curious (the word "curious" meaning "uttering the phrase 'what's THIS for, mommy?' while, without waiting for an answer, attempting to use said item for some sort of purpose) boys from utterly destroying the shop. Mommy's attention thus diverted, the little ones wander around getting their snotty sticky little hands all over everything and attempting to open and squeeze out the contents of every bottle of lotion or lamp oil they see.

I, of course, at this point, am simply trying to prevent myself from having an aneurysm and collapsing in a bloody head mess on the floor.

When mommy is done with her cell phone call, which, by the way, lasted for a good ten minutes at least (or perhaps it just seemed that way because I was brain hemorrhaging with suppressed rage) she says to her kids the following words:

"Okay, guys, put these things back, we're going to go to the toy store now."

I went to the counter, assuming that the mother would want to get rung up quickly and get her fun-lovin' kids into a place where it was actually okay to play with the merchandise. Oh, but guess what?

She didn't buy anything.

That's right. You heard me. Or rather, you read those previously typed words correctly. She did not buy a thing. She and her little ones were in the shop for nearly fifteen minutes almost breaking and knocking things down, I had to clean up all their nasty snotty sticky fingerprints off of all the glass things they touched, I had to rearrange all of the displays that they had messed up, I had to put up with the stress of two little kids running around... and she did not spend a single dime here to make it worth my while. Not only that, but she and her children both had actually picked up merchandise items and were walking around the store with them, as if they were going to be bought. But bought was not what they were. No no.

So... why do I have a problem with her not buying anything? Nothing got broken, right? Nothing got knocked over, correct? Yeah. That is correct. It could have been a hell of a lot worse. But just because it could have been worse does not make it right. A store full of items that are NOT owned by you is an inappropriate place to bring your small children. Period. ALWAYS. Seriously, why is it that parents can convince themselves that their children will behave like perfect angels everywhere they go? Because, I'm sorry, they don't. Whether they are actually ill-behaved or whether they are actually curious, they make a fucking mess.

So. Here's a lesson: when you take your kid into a store, tell them not to touch anything. Enforce this rule, because just saying it will not make them obey you. Unless they're really awesome and smart, which applies to about 2% of small children in this world, and your kid isn't one of them, so deal with it. If they continue to disobey you, take them out of the store. I mean, face it, casual shopping can't be on the agenda when you are the parent of a small child. You made the life choice. You signed up to take care of another human being. You don't get to go shopping whenever you want anymore. You don't get to do what you did before.

At least not without being a massive asshole.

I have unhealthy fantasies about tripwires.

2008-03-25T11:59:00.005-04:00

Hello. Today you are going to hear a true story.

The retail area where I work is one of those renovated historic buildings that used to be something else but now there are shops there so you can buy shit and still learn things. Or some crap like that. Anyway, it's a pretty small mall. It basically consists of one long hallway with all the cutesey little shops lined up on either side. This long hallway proves an irresistible temptation to children to run and skate down. Management, in an attempt to curb this sort of behavior, has posted a few signs in the hall to the effect of: "No running, skateboarding, rollerblading or bicycling allowed." It's not very well-enforced, as the security guards are all out of shape, but still, generally the skating and such are kept in line.

Not so much the running. In fact, parents tend to ignore this part of the rules and allow their children to run up and down this hall screeching their heads off. I've seen parents encourage this behavior in every possible form. I've seen them running down the hall with the kid. I've heard them say that they like to come to the mall just so that they can let their kids run around. I've seen them come in and bring their kids to play around the fucking mall like the whole place is an indoor playground while they sit around on benches and chat vapidly at one another. Unconcerned, apparently, with the possibility of their child being snatched away by a predator. (And by predator, I don't mean a tiger, though that would be pretty interesting to watch.) In the meantime, their screaming brats are running all over the place, including into the shops, most of which are filled with high-end fragile things. Do these parents even bother to patronize the shops? Well, occasionally. Usually with a couple of their squealing brats in tow. God forbid they could get a fucking babysitter every once in a goddamn while. But don't let me get sidetracked into a rant. Because I will be. These paragraphs are basically here to set you up for the story.

A good friend of mine, CF as I am, recently had an experience at this retail area that I wish to share with you. She went to eat a pretzel at a pretzel stand in said area. The pretzel stand in question is right across from the mall's only toy store, and is also near the "family friendly" diner that everyone and their mother wants to eat at on Sunday for some goddamn reason. Hence, it is generally the starting point for the running, screaming children who come past the store I work at and make me engage in unhealthy fantasies about tripwires. The major problem area. My friend sits down to enjoy her pretzel at a table intended for that purpose. Unfortunately, she does have to share the area with a couple moms who are attempting to feed their squirming, ill-behaved toddlers bits of pretzel between their screeching yawps. As if this isn't irritating enough, when the children are finished being fed, the mothers let them loose and they proceed to run around the mall, still covered in sugary paste (though soon enough it's all over the toy store windows) and screaming even louder than before (because at least before their mouths were temporarily blocked with food.) Oblivious to this caterwaul, the two mothers continue to jabber to each other about how wonderful their little spawnages are, occasionally glancing adoringly in their direction. My friend is also looking at the children, but in disgust and annoyance rather. One of the mothers, obviously thinking her glare was one of doting approval, says--apparently to her friend, but also loud enough to be heard by my friend as well:

"Aren't they just adorable running around like that?"

The other mother, of course, agreed heartily. my friend, sensing that they wanted the statement to be acknowledged by a fellow woman, smiled and replied, but she didn't say what they wanted her to say.

See, there are parents out there who thing their genes and ability to reproduce are the most amazing fucking thing in the goddamn universe. And you know, it's totally cool with me if people thing that. it's even okay with me if YOU think that. Your thoughts are your own. I am not the one to tell you how you should think or what you should believe. In return, I would expect you to extend me the same courtesy. You should not expect me to think the same way as you, nor should you force me to think the same way as you, nor should you be offended that I don't think the same way as you. I mean, have some goddamned courtesy, would you?

Right, I've gone off on a ranting tangent. Big surprise. Let me return to the story. Where were we? Oh, yes. Basically, these women were expecting my friend to say something endearing about their children. They were looking to involve her in their little ego-stroking circle jerk. What they got was this:

"You know," my friend says, with a kind endearing smile, "they're really not supposed to be running around like that. There is a sign up."

All in all, I think she was pretty reasonable with them, considering their blatant fucking rudeness. I mean, you've got kids, you take them to the playground to run around, not a high-end retail area. Why any human being without their head shoved entirely up their own ass can't realize this, I have no idea.

"Well," one of the devoted mummies says, after exchanging a glance of shock and disbelief with her fellow, "we've never seen a sign like that. We bring our children here all the time."

My friend is still smiling as she points out the location of the sign for their convenience. "I just thought you should know about it."

"Well, they're not hurting anyone," the other mother says defensively. "They're just children."

"Actually," my friend says, "it's pretty disruptive . The people who work here and the people who shop here don't appreciate all the noise."

Well! Just the thought that someone would ever dare to think their children were anything other than darling little perfect angels burped straight from the clouds of fucking Heaven was too much for these women to deal with.

"Let's just leave," one of them says huffily, glaring at my friend like she had just defecated in publick. They continue to pack up their gigantic baby-purses, all the while giving my friend dirty looks instead of keeping an eye on their little ego-clones. One of which is hanging like a monkey from a bench, upside down, treating everyone to a vision of her Dora The Explorer pull-up training diapers and still, somehow, managing to holler at the top of her lungs.

Yep. That's fucking adorable, all right.

The mothers did, by the way, walk right past the sign as they huffed away. But they paid it no mind. Rules of public conduct, you see, do not apply to people who produce such adorable creatures. Your ability to squeeze one out apparently makes you as holy as Jesus' mom. I'm only surprised that my friend wasn't struck dead by lightening right there on the spot for being such a blasphemer.

The moral of this story that I share with you today? Just because you think something's great, it does not mean that it is great or even significant. Not everyone in the world thinks your children are special because, quite honestly, they're not. In fact, the more special you think they are, the more likely it is that they are annoying obnoxious spoiled little animals. And yes, I am fully aware that they're just children and they don't know any better. That's why they have to be taught. That is one of your many duties as a parent. You're raising a tiny HUMAN BEING, not a little cutesy you-clone. And I know it's not easy. I know parenting is a challenge. That's why you couldn't fucking pay me to do that shit.

Peeps and Cadbury creme eggs...

2008-03-21T22:35:00.008-04:00

... are fucking disgusting.

So, today is Good Friday, and also my 33rd birthday. I think there's some strong biblical reference there I couldn't give a shit about. Unless it means I'm the antichrist. I'm all for that.

Well, happy easter to you anyway. Or, as is equally likely, happy Goldfish Left Lincoln Logs In Me Sock Drawer day. That's the story of Jesus.

And happy March Madness! GO HEELS!

All right. Ranting will most likely resume post-weekend.

The Golden Rule.

2008-03-18T00:19:00.007-04:00

I get asked this question a lot by people who think they know me, and then they really come to know me.

How can I be such a nice girl and yet be so full of anger?

I will tell you how. It's easy. It's simple. The world sucks. The world sucks even harder if you're a sensitive person. The world puts you through the emotional equivalent of the kind of physical beatings that even the rough, rugged good guy can barely survive in a movie. John McClane in Die Hard. That's the kind of shit life puts you through. And you know, now that I think about it, it's not even life that's so rough. I can deal with the fact that I'm alive. hell, I relish it. You know what sucks the most about living is dealing with fucking human beings and the shit they impose on you. If they aren't stupid, they're ignorant, and if they're not stupid and ignorant, they're selfish. What's really most likely is that they're all three. And they're all products of their stupid, ignorant, selfish parents, who are products of their stupid, ignorant selfish society and their stupid, narrow-minded religion. Just like all the fucking idiotic assholes who live around them and conform to the status quo.

And you know what? If you WANT to be the same as everyfuckingbody else, then super! If nothing gives you more joy than playing the same games as all the other assholes around you, great! You live your life the way you want to. Oh, but there's a catch. yes indeedy. You have to fucking respect the need for OTHER people who AREN'T the same as you to live their lives, too. You have to actually think about the consequences of your actions and how they will affect those around you. I know it's hard to wrap your head around this concept, but the world actually does not revolve around you. Not everyone enjoys living the lifestyle that you have chosen. It's one thing to offer your lifestyle as an option, it is QUITE ANOTHER to IMPOSE it on them.

Of course, that adds in how fucked up religion is. The root of all evil is what it is, in my oh so humble opinion. Religion fucks people up. You can make the argument that religion gives us spiritual fulfilment, helps us define our morals, keeps us civilized, blah blah blah blaaaaah... and you know what? If it helps you sleep through the night, if it helps you treat your fellow man with a little respect and decency and kindness.... great. good. But I've found that it more often causes strife, anguish, death, magnifies our self-doubt and guilt, and is full of bullshit contradictions. Not only that, but it's a magnet for elitist thugs and bullies. The special kind of fucktards who like to hang out together in special little cliques and demean anyone who doesn't fit their God's (read: their own) ideal profile. It's a stupid bullshit parade for sick and confused sheeple who are too fucking lazy to look within themselves and find God there. Nope, it's easier to do what a fucking 2000 year old book tells you. And the ones who are too stupid to even be bothered to read the fucking book for themselves just rely on what some power-hungry jackass tells them the book says. Fuck that.

"Well if YOU'RE so clever then YOU come up with a moral code for everyone to follow!" I can hear you say. Well, I wouldn't presume to do that. That would contradict everything I believe in. "What?" you say. "Oh, you BELIEVE in something now? I find that hard to believe myself, you soulless heathen scum."

Fine. You want my philosophy? You want my great spiritual advice? You just HAVE to make me accept SOME part of your bullshit religion?

FINE.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

That's it. That is the one unifying thing you will find some version of in every religious text, in every moral tale ever written. That is what it all boils down to. Not what kind of food you should eat, or what kind of clothes you should wear, or how many children you should have, or where you should go on Sundays. None of this. Ignore this. Instead, treat every single human being on the planet with the decency and respect and compassion that you yourself would like shown to you.

Doesn't seem fucking difficult, does it? Must be why all you stupid assholes are fucking it up!

And I can hear you now... "But if you think we should treat each other with kindness and compassion, then what for are you yelling at us and calling us morons? Like OMG you are hurting our feelings WTF?!?!?!" Well I only have one snappy reply to that:

Fuck you.

Have I ever, except perhaps in sarcastic jest, said that I was perfect? Fuck no, I'm not perfect. I've been just as fucked up by this society and this life and you fucking people. I am not good. I do not think happy thoughts. Maybe I was once. Maybe I was really as patient and caring as everyone thinks I am. But goddamn, it feels more and more like an act these days. Fuck, maybe I still care. But just like a parent getting frustrated with a wayward child, or a dog owner getting upset with a stubborn pet... I lose my temper. I get angry. I'm an emotional person. It's kinda what I do.

The angry. I have it. Here, you can have some, too. Don't say I never gave you nothin'. And you do see why I have it, do you not? When the solution to all our social problems is SO fucking simple but you people can't get over yourselves enough to see it? Hell, most of us are so dense that we don't even think of the possibility that we might not be right.

Well, I might not be right. But I can accept that. It just would be really great if I didn't feel like I was the only one.

new and improved!

2008-03-16T02:47:00.003-04:00

The title of the blog says it all, really.

I don't like people. I don't see why I should. They give me no reason to.

My last blog had a lot to do with ranting about the stupidity of people from a service worker's point of view. It also had a lot to do with stupid-ass quizzes and surveys, but now that I have myspace for that sort of thing, there's not a need for it here.

So this is me, at my bitterest and most annoyed. Even those of you who were fans of my previous blog might not be able to take some of the stuff I'm planning to write here.

But fuck it, I've had enough. I am sick of hiding my opinions for fear of offending or alienating someone. Those of you who think I haven't held back in the past... you're wrong. I have been quite honestly, a conciliatory boot-licker for far too long, trying to get people to like me. You know what? I'm me, fuck you if you can't take me as I am. I'm not trying anymore.

I do not give a fuck what you think of me.

Great way to start out the blog, Sid! Hey, I'm good like that, what can I say?

More to come, soon. very soon.