40 reasons you're an idiot.

This is your monthly blog entry. To make up for the infrequency of my posts, I apparently am endeavoring to make them as long as possible. You're welcome. I know you miss me.

So I was readin' Like It Is, specifically this most recent entry, and it brought my attention to an interesting debate.

Apparently there is a book out there called 40 Reasons Not To Have Children. Now personally, I can come up with more than 40, but the difference between me and the author of this book is that I have never had children. Oh yes, you read that correctly. The author of 40 Reasons Not To Have Children, Corinne Maier, is a mother. A mother of two, no less.

Now I've not read the book yet, because I just found out about it, so if I seem like I'm defending it because I'm a snarky evil childfree (semi) blogger... well, I am. But reading reviews for it on Amazon (and it's not very expensive, I might just buy it today) it seems to me that half of it is done tongue-in-cheek... it's mostly humor. Granted, it's funny because it's true, but still... anyone who takes it so damn seriously as to make a comment along the lines of "How can that woman live with herself what about her children what about when they read this book how are they going to feel OMGOMGOMG" I imagine that they share their mother's sense of humor, or at least understand it. I'm also pretty sure that the relationship between this woman and her children is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

Anyway. The National Post had the audacity to interview this inhuman, horrible mother about her book. And oooooooh the readers didn't like it much, apparently. (Their complaints are all bullshit bingoes, by the way...) One woman--a mother of four, of course--even felt the desire to come up with her own top 40 list. It is this list, my friends, that I am about to take the piss out of. Because it is so. Effing. STOOPIT. I mean. Come the fuck ON. You're practically begging me to do this.

Original article (clicky)

Of course you know what I'm about to do here. Sappy mombie shit is in vomit-inducing pink, my own replies are in gaaaaah-I-want-to-make-you-be-dead red.

In response to Corinne Maier, author of No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not To Have Children, here, in no particular order, are 40 good reason to have children:

-Kids love parents unconditionally, even as adults.

Ah ha ha ha ha... ha ha ha... heee.... oh man, that's funny. I know a whole lot of people who could tell you otherwise. I know some people who, for instance, say it will be a cold, dark day in hell (or whatever other supernatural torture place you feel like believing in) before they ever forgive or even speak civilly to their abusive/absent parents. I know some older folks who have children that treat them like total shit or worse, ignore them. Parenthood does not ensure unconditional love. Sorry, I know that was your big main point, but it's moot. Next!

-Going to the zoo is so much more fun with kids.

Uh... okay? You know, somehow that doesn't strike me as a legitimate reason to breed. "Oh, honey! I can't wait until the baby comes, and then grows up, so we can take it to the zoo! It's my whole reason for having a child! Finally, a fun day at the zoo! We can feed it to the lions when it turns into a teenager."

-Kids love to bake.

A lot of grown-ups like to bake, too. Sometimes they find they can bake better when there are not screaming little monsters running around their kitchen. Just sayin'.

-Their successes give you reason to feel proud, if not because you helped, then because they are related.

Are you serious. This is so the typical breeder fantasy: riding on the coattails of their children. Making their successes their own. And we're the ones who are called selfish. I mean, if your children make you proud, that's awesome, I have nothing against that. But you're not the one who did it. Your kid is the one who did it. So don't take credit for it, asshole.

-Kids give the best hugs.

Yeah, I guess it depends on what kind of hugs you like. Personally I think my friend Mike gives the best hugs. My husband's hugs are also awesome. Kids are too small; they can't give you that nice bear hug kinda hold-you-close hug that I personally prefer. But to each their own. Still not a valid reason to bring another soul into this horrible world.

-Nothing smells better than freshly washed kids.

Okay, I'm sure it's lovely, but good smells are just a STEWPID reason to breed.

-Who is going to mow the lawn?

Um... my husband.

-Who takes out the garbage?

Um... I do.

-Kids make you laugh more, and that creates good brain chemicals.

Ooooh, what a scientific response! Good brain chemicals! That's hard fucking evidence, right there! Who knew that I was missing out on all those awesome brain chemicals, just because I wasn't laughing at my sproglings! Well, shit, I guess I'm just doomed to having inferior brain meats because I don't have children making me laugh and stimulating my fucking GOOD BRAIN CHEMICALS.

-Kids make you sing more -- even more good brain chemicals.

Oh, suck my dick, lady, seriously. You might as well say that Justin Timberlake is your baby, 'cause he makes you sing, too. I'll fix my brain right up with those amazing scientific chemicals by singing a little show tune... NO BREEDING REQUIRED. Idiot.

-Chai wallahs --need I say more?

I don't even know what that is, and I have the feeling that I don't want to.

-Kids help you to slow down and appreciate simple things.

Little bit of weed'll do that, too. Less expensive than kids, even if you smoke the high-end shit. Plus, without kids around, you can smoke all the weed you want! So, yeah, still not convinced.

-You get to colour, paint, cut and paste whenever you like.

Yeah. I can do that without kids. And I can do, you know, real art instead of craftsy kiddie bullshit.

-Chinese checkers.

-Monopoly.

-The Game of Life.

-Risk.

Wait... games that I can buy at any department store are a reason to have children? I think you were just running out of reasons, lady.

-You can beat someone at Bop It and Tetris.

Oh, come on, you don't let them win every once in a while? Dang, bitch, I thought you loved your kids.

-Someone in the house knows how to work your iPod/phone/camera/DVD player.

I can't even... fathom... seriously? You can't work your DVD player without a child helping you? Why is this not surprising to me? Oh yeah, because your list is already FUCKING STUPID, just like you.

-Kids help you meet and keep in touch with the neighbours.

Fuck that, I hate people.

-Kids will talk to your parents for hours on the phone.

What? First you use your children as an excuse to get out of mowing, taking out the garbage, and learning how to operate a fucking DVD player... now you're using them to get out of talking to your parents? How'd you like that if your children did that to you? You're not really showing that unconditional love that children are supposed to have for their parents much, are you?

-Idyllic minor league baseball championships at tree-canopied fields on Saturdays in August.

Again, something you can do without kids if you've a mind to. Personally I don't have a mind to; I'd rather spend my August Saturdays doing something a little more interesting than watching a sport that's more boring than insect sex.

-Your husband buys everyone doughnuts when the kids play well.

My husband buys doughnuts anyway, whether we play well or not. And since we don't have kids, that means more doughnuts for us! Yay, doughnuts!

-You get to listen to children's choirs several times a year.

Yeah, that's not really getting my ovaries tingling. NEXT!

-It's fun to see their senses of humour develop.

You know, considering you made this list because you couldn't deal with someone else's sense of humor, I don't think your kids really are going to excel in that department with your influence.

-Reading aloud.

I do that all the time. It is fun. It's fun to do with kids, too. Honestly, reading to kids is one of my favorite things to do. But still, it's not a reason to have babies.

-The sounds of happy kids playing together makes the heart swell.

Heart swelling? That's kind of a serious medical condition, isn't it? Maybe those good brain chemicals aren't helping you like they should. Seriously, though, the sound of screaming, shrieking children might be heartwarming for you, but for me it's just noise and I don't need to hear it.

-Kids like to fold laundry --go figure.

God, again with the getting out of chores! You don't think maybe hiring a maid would be cheaper?

-You get to see the sun come up on the way to hockey practice in December.

Or you get to see the sun come up on your morning walk with your dog. Still not convinced.

-You get to see beautiful sunsets on the way home from hockey practice in July.

Orrrr you can just go outside any time you like and watch the fucking sun set. Again... not a valid reason for having children.

-You never have to grocery shop alone -- and they help load the bags.

The slave labor excuse again. You use that a lot.

-Grocery shopping alone sometimes feels like a special treat.

HA! You can't keep the sunshine going forever, can you?

-Kids love camping.

So do I... are you saying I can't enjoy camping without kids? Because I'd rather go camping without worrying about the kids getting into poison ivy or getting mauled by a bear.

-Kids think that bugs and fossils are very cool.

Oh, well golly! Finally, someone who shares my interests! I better get started sharting out babies RIGHT NOW so when they grow up I can have someone to talk about how COOL fossils and bugs are! Oh, yeah, AND take them to the zoo! I just can't WAIT!

-Kids are not self-conscious about dancing/ singing in public.

Actually, neither am I. I was in theatre for ten years. So... if I want to see people being unselfconscious about singing and dancing in public... I'll just go and see a musical. And support the arts in the process! So... you still haven't given me a valid reason to have children.

-Kids think you're a doctor because you can clean and bandage a scrape.

Jesus, shut up. At this point just... shut up.

-Kids think that peanut butter and jam sandwiches are the best dinner ever.

I can have that for dinner any time I want because I'm a grown-up and I can do whatever I want.

-Kids like to grow things.

Oh, so do I. Yeah... things. In the closet. With a grow light. Uh-huh.

-Kids love to dress up in old clothes.

I can do that without children as an excuse. Ten years of theatre, remember?

-Sleeping kids are a most peaceful sight.

So are sleeping puppies and kittens and husbands. I really have no desire now to squirt out a bunch of babies just so I can watch them sleep. So your 40 reasons to have children haven't convinced me. Sorry, try again.

Cathy Naus, Toronto.

She also wrote an article to go with the list. And you know, she seems to enjoy being a mom, and that's great. It works for her. But honestly both her list and her article just seems to me to be justifications for her choice; things about being a mom that she's enjoyed along the way. Her situation and experience is by no means every parents situation and experience, and to think otherwise is just straight-up stupid. I'm glad that she's a good mom and has wonderful kids and a wonderful life and all that shit, I really am. But this nosy interfering breeder bitch and everyone like her needs to GET OVER THEMSELVES and realize that not everyone thinks the way they do.

It just amuses me that all these breeders get so offended when people mention that having children might not be such a good idea. And it baffles me that they seriously can't see that people would want to choose a different lifestyle. Now a big part of what I honestly thing is going on here is a large amount of jealousy. Maybe not in Mrs. Naus' case... I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she's happy in her suburban hockey mom life. But it has to be acknowledged that her lifestyle is much more universally accepted than a life without children. A lot of people don't even think that they can make the choice to not have them... I even thought that once. It's just something you do because it's what society expects of you. It is what my friend over at An Array of Chaotic Thoughts refers to as The Lifescript (tm). Go to school, get married, get a career, get a house in the suburbs and have babies. That's just what you do. And when people realize that they could have made different choices, choices that might have made them happier, they get jealous of the people who did make these choices. And they attempt as best as they can to denigrate the people who have the lifestyle they secretly wish they had, in a vain attempt to make their choices seem valid and right.

Like I said, I'd sure like to believe that Mrs. Naus has a happy life with her brood of crotchnuggets. But I'm more inclined to believe, from her vitriolic response, that she followed the LifeScript (tm) without realizing that she could have made another choice, and that she's trying to justify the life she did end up living by posting sappy shit about how great sleeping babies are, and that's why everyone should breed like goddamn bunny rabbits.

The list of 40 reasons to have children? Invalid and unconvincing. The list of 40 reasons to NOT have children? That makes a lot more sense to me.

Hey, I know! Let's play some BINGO!

So yet again I have been gone for an inexcusably long time. I'd apologize if I thought any of you cared, but I know you don't, so it's all good.

Just kidding, I know no one actually reads this.

I've just really been too busy fucking around on other parts of the internet to be wasting time fucking around writing ranty blogs, you know? I have plenty of things to rant about, of course, because I never run out, because you are all useless pathetic wastes of organic matter and I hate you all.

But I was inspired recently, when I was looking through my funny graphics folder and found the Breeder Bingo. Most of us childfree people of course recognize it... a collection of phrases that are meant to stump us into reconsidering our very personal decision to not have children. These questions are asked by the sort of person that would interrogate us as to why we would not bring little fat blobs of angel blessings into the world. The sort of person who bluntly asks us "Why haven't you shart a baby out your vag-hole yet?" without realizing that for us, there is no "yet". The sort of person who would find a way to take it personally that you have not done this baby-sharting. The sort of person who would condemn your decision without having any sort of access to your point of view at all. This person, this interfering, nosy, obnoxious fetus-worshipper... this is the breeder. This is who we must defend ourselves against. These are the questions and phrases that total fucking strangers who have no say in my personal life whatsoever ask me, and these are my responses. I realize they are snarktastic in the extreme. This blog is for entertainment purposes also. And I don't feel like being nice.

Let's play BREEDER BINGO, everyone! All the questions are full of fresh baby shit, and the color used reflects this. Ready? Here we go!

The only reason to get married is to have children!

You know what? Golly gee you're right. Here I was, thinking it was a declaration between two consenting adults of lifetime devotion and love without condition... but apparently NOT! Apparently it's only so we can have secks and get preggers without Jesus getting mad at us! No wonder the gays can't get married! I guess we all better break it to our married friends who can't have children that they're not really married...

When you meet the right person, you'll want to have children together.

I've met the right person. Know how I know? He doesn't want to have children, either.

Don't you want to have a lasting testament to you and your spouse's love for each other?

Like the love itself isn't enough? Yeah, I think actually THIS is the reason we get married.

You don't know what you're missing.

No, I used to babysit for a living, I know exactly what I'm missing. Poopy diapers, projectile vomit, screaming at all hours of the night... and that's just the general stuff. That's all right. You can keep it.

You'll change your mind/Someday you'll feel differently/I used to think that, too/You're just going through a phase.

These particular bingoes are grouped together for a reason: they pretty much all imply the same thing. Which is that we are immature. No, we are grown-ups, and we have grown-up thoughts and we do grown-up things. We make mature, informed decisions about our lives. We think about every consequence involved in giving birth and having a bunch of little human beings depend on us forever, and we decide, no, we would rather have a fluffy kitty cat. So, please stop saying shit like this, you condescending asses. I might change my mind about how much I love the last Batman movie, but not about my life. I might feel differently about how much I like the new Modest Mouse album, but not about my life. The last time I "went through a phase" I was thirteen fucking years old. I used to think I might have children, too, but mostly because I was socially conditioned to think that I had to have children to have a normal life. I grew out of that phase. I'm not likely to devolve back into it.

You're just being selfish.

And you're just being a dick. Let me see... I make my own personal decision that does not maliciously intend to harm any other living person, I take responsibility for myself and my life, and apparently that's selfish. If I give birth to a child for reasons of vanity, to display as a trophy, to fit in with the mainstream, to relive my own childhood innocence, to provide myself with built-in care for my old age, in a vain attempt at finding unconditional love that I don't deserve... I'm suddenly selfless and caring and good? That's funny. You make me laugh, funny people. Ha ha. Ha. Ha.

Did you have a bad childhood?

Actually, considering, I had a pretty freakin' awesome childhood. That has nothing to do with whether I decide to have a child at all. My childhood is over now, it was nice while it lasted and I miss it sometimes, but I'm not going to delude myself that I can have it again. I certainly am not going to squirt out another little airbreather just to get it back.

Don't you want to see what a little you would look like?

Yeah, because that's a perfectly valid reason for bringing another human being into existence... seeing what mini-me will look like. Not at all a selfish motivation, there.

Who will take care of you in your old age?

Who will take care of you? I mean, it's pretty presumptuous to think that your kids are going to be the ones to take you in. They might be too busy raising families of their own. They're just as likely to leave you at the rest home and forget about you. So... see ya at the old folk's home, bitch!

My kids' money will be supporting you when you're old.

What the hell are you talking about? We already took all your kid's money and spent it. Seriously, though, this is a ridiculous thing to say. It's not like I haven't worked all my life and contributed to society that way. In fact, I've worked more because I haven't been stuck at home with kids. I'm paying taxes for your kid's schools and you don't hear me bitching about it. Shit, come to think of it, I'm paying taxes for your goddamn welfare and food stamps. So by the time I'm old, I think your fucking kids'll owe me back. How about THAT?

You'll be lonely.

What if your kids abandon you? You'll be lonely, too. I recommend getting a dog. You are never lonely with a doggie around.

You owe your parents grandchildren!

Hey. I don't owe shit. I didn't ask to be born. It's not my fault they fucked and I showed up. The only thing I owe them is respect, and they get as much of that as they deserve. If they truly loved me without condition, like a parent is supposed to, then they would support me whatever I decide to do with my life.

You aren't a real woman until you have a child.

Weak fuckin' argument, and insulting in the extreme. People who say this to me receive the verbal bitchslapping of their lives. Your biology alone does not define you as a person. If it does, you are a sad and pathetic excuse for one.

You were made for it! It's your purpose for living!

You know what, my body was made to do a bunch of things. My body was made, for example, to take a big ol' poop when waste from the nutrients I imbibe to sustain myself fills my colon. Having a child is no more miraculous than that. The only difference is that I need to eat and poop to survive biologically. I don't need to have a child to survive biologically.

Your biological clock is ticking!

Is it really. Well good for it. I don't know what you expect me to do about it. I mean, what happens when it winds down before you get knocked up? Your uterus explodes and all of western civilization is wiped out? Wonder what a biological clock looks like... probably like this.

Don't you want genetic immortality?

Not really. There's no such thing. We all get old, we all die. Entropy is nothing new, and children are no defense against it. They'll get old and die, too. And so will their children, and their children's children. So there's no immortality involved in this whatsoever.

Children are the greatest joy you'll ever know!

I somehow doubt that changing poopy diapers are going to give me the same kind of joy that, say, really loud sex anywhere in my house whenever I want is, but you go ahead and enjoy what you enjoy, I'm not here to judge you.

It's different when it's your own!

If my kid is different from all the other kids, they will fall upon him and eat him alive. They do that, you know, if you don't conform to their little hive mind. I couldn't possibly put any child of mine through that hell. And though I'm only being half-serious when I say that, the knowledge that my child would be different and up for ridicule and difficulty from its peers is one of many reasons I don't want to have one.

But God said be fruitful and multiply!

First of all, it's pretty damn presumptuous of you to assume that I follow the word of your God, or of any God. Second of all, with the world's population in the how many billions, I think we've definitely completed the "be fruitful and multiply" injunction. Not only that, but with medical science the way it is, we're dying a lot less. So really, there are plenty of people on this planet. What I think this is really about is that you want more people out there raised according to the tenets of your bullshit religion. And that's pretty selfish, bringing more people into this fucked-up world just because you want more sheep in your flock.

You need to carry on the family name!

Who says? What's so great about your last name? I'm sure a lot of people have it, and even if they don't, who cares? What's the big deal? It's just a bunch of random letters formed into a word; it's MEANINGLESS. You know what it's really about, don't you? Carrying on the family GENES. It's pure ego, pure selfishness. It's just a random bunch of DNA formed into a walking breathing fleshbag. WHAT IS. THE BIG. FUCKING DEAL.

But you would be a great parent!

Oh, I'm sure I would. Thank you for the compliment, I suppose. But just because you CAN have children doesn't mean you HAVE to. I will be more than happy being a great aunt to my wonderful nieces and nephews. I have no desire or motivation to become a parent simply because I would be good at it. I mean, I'm damn good at cleaning the toilet, but I'm not really looking to get a janitorial job any time soon, you know?

Having a child makes you a better person!

Oh SNAP! What impeccable logic! If only Hitler had had children! He would have been SO much a better person! Come the fuck on. If that was true, then do you think that people like THIS would exist? Andrea Yates didn't turn out to be a better person when she had children, did she? Nor did Otty Sanchez. Look over the stories in that blog and then get back to me with this argument, k?

You know YOU were a child once!

Um... yes? That wasn't exactly a choice for me, now was it? I was a child once, and then I grew up, and in the process of growing up, I decided that I was not going to have children.

What if you regret it?

Then that's my problem, not yours. I'd much rather regret not having children than regret having them, and bringing more air-breathers onto this already over-burdened planet. Unless I get my brain zapped by aliens, though, I don't plan to regret anything. Life is too short for regret.

What if your parents had felt the way you did? Then YOU wouldn't be alive!

And therefore I would not be concerned about it. If they felt that way, they would certainly be entitled to. What would I have done about it; haunted them as a fetus-ghost? Yoooooou didn't waaaaant meeeeeee! Please. Try to be logical.

If everyone thought like you did, the human race would go extinct!

See, this is another one of those totally unrealistic, improbable ideas breeders seem to get into their heads. Everyone does NOT think like me. No one ever will, especially in this child-centric society. So if anyone ever says this to me, I can't help but have a sarcastic reaction to it. I mean really. REALLY? You think that's even a remote possibility? Because I tell you, it'd be nice to have more people around who thought the way I did... I would get annoyed by you judgmental assholes a whole lot less.

Don't you want unconditional love?

I do, actually. I think most human beings do. But I'm not going to drag another soul, another spirit into this world just to get unconditional love from it. It doesn't work that way. You are not beholden to another human being just because you happened to pop out their uterus. Anyway, the love of a child is hardly without condition. You don't buy Bratley that toy he wants and see how much he loves you then. Me, I'll get my unconditional love the way everyone should... by giving it to those who deserve it and earning it back from them. And by being a dog owner.

Your child could go on to do great things!

It's more likely my child could go on to work at a Pizza Hut. Yours, too. Don't think you've suddenly got the next fucking Einstein growing in your uterus, all right? Your uterus isn't any different from any other, you are not special and you will never be special and neither will your child.

Children are the future!

The future WHAT? Unless you personally have done something for the advancement of humankind--aside from having a child, because believe me, that does not count--then the future is going to be just about the same as the past. And your children will be exactly the same self-centered, brainwashed, obnoxious tubes of meat that YOU are, and teach their children to be the same. Nothing will change. The only difference is that your iPod will get smaller and be available in more colors.

oh, and I saved my absolute favorite for last...

It's all WORTH it!

Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Okay, okay, sure. If you say so. Personally I would rather live my own life than just do what everyone else does because that's what you're "supposed" to do. If you think it's worth it, then great. I'm glad for you, I really am. But my personal definition of happiness has nothing to do with cleaning up another human being's feces for two years. My future, whether it turns out the way I'd like it to or not, has no children in it. It's that simple, and quite honestly I don't think I am beholden to explain or justify this decision to anyone who isn't affected by it.

But I do it anyway, 'cause every childfree blogger's gotta have the BINGO post!

Hope you loved it.

The angry is back!

I realized that I have not blogged in four months.  It is truly appalling.  These are the reasons:

1. I got married.  Thanks, send money.

2. I have had really really really bad writer's block.

3.  Facebook and Twitter are a little easier to maintain.

4.  I'm lazy.

5.  I'm about to go through a major move, so most of my free time has been given over to stress.

There.  And even though I am facing a time where I am potentially dealing with a very long loss of internet, I feel like I must blog a few more times.

Plus, the angry is back.  It's back in full force, for many reasons.  Would you like the reasons?  Here they are:

1.  The shooting of Dr. George Tiller.  At his fucking CHURCH, no less.  How fucking low do you have to be?

2.  Even lower:  Operation Rescue's reaction to the shooting of Dr. Tiller.  Really, Randall Terry?He just brought it on himself?  REALLY.  Wow.  I just wonder what compels them all.

3.  Of course we all know that they upheld Prop. 8 in California.  Fucking fuckhole fuckers.  This makes me so angry I can't even articulate.  Seriously, all that's in my head is AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHFUCKERSAAAARRRRRGH.  It continues to blow my mind that people who are NOT EVEN INVOLVED in other peoples lifestyles CONFUCKINGTINUE to interfere in them.

4.  Fucking religion.  I move closer and closer to total atheism every day.  I think you can be a spiritual atheist.  I might just start calling myself that.

5.  An article written by one Carol Sarler of the Daily Mail about how childfree people are inhuman.  I will link to the article.  But I'm also preparing to take the piss out of it.  Here's your length warning.  And if you're childfree, here's also your warning that you will feel insulted, offended and upset at this woman's choice of words.  It's by far the most disgusting anti-childfree article I've ever read.

This is not someone's blog, now.  This is actually a column, in a well-known publication.  The obvious hatred this woman feels for us shines through in every sentence.  She's green (with envy, you know it) and I am red (with fiery bloody anger.)  I've also edited out some superfluous paragraphs, so if you want to read the article uncut, click here.

Much as I like to trumpet the importance of a woman's right to choose all things at all times, there's one choice I simply cannot understand: the choice of an otherwise sane and healthy woman not to have children.

Well, it's good you got the hypocrisy out in the air, lady.  I can choose to punch you in the face, and you're okay with that, but I choose to live my life the way I see fit and you can't get that?  Is that how it works?

If a would-be mother is a singleton of 40 who decides to have a baby without a partner, I might wish she'd thought of it sooner and prepared for it better - but I understand.

If she's half of a lesbian couple who 'borrows' the wherewithal, I might cross my fingers that the child is not teased at school - but I understand. Even if she's a 66-year- old pregnant pensioner, threatening to turn motherhood into a freak show, I might (indeed, I do) think she's monstrously selfish and dangerously wrong - but again, more or less, I understand.

This is just mind-boggling.  Mind-boggling.  She's more understanding of someone turning motherhood--something she considers sacred--into a freak show than she is of someone who decides to divorce themselves from said freak show?

Yet if she says she hasn't a shred of maternal feeling in her, moreover, if she says she would prefer to concentrate on her career and that a child would only get in the way of it, then my head might acknowledge her right to do so. But my heart whispers: 'Lady, you're weird.'

My head understands your feelings on this subject.  After all, it's amazing to me that anyone would want to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out their vagina and then have to clean up its poo and vomit for years.  Hey, I clean up after my cat, so I understand.  But you know what my heart whispers?  "Lady, you are a nosy, judgemental, interfering sack of cunts."  My heart has a pretty blue vocabulary.

It was welcome news, therefore, to discover this week that I am not alone. Research conducted over six years shows that far from bosses and colleagues always being suspicious of a working mother, the opposite is becoming true: it is the childless woman who is regarded as cold and odd.

What research?  Care to cite that?  Oh, wait, YOU NEVER DO DURING THE COURSE OF THE ENTIRE ARTICLE.  So you'll pardon me if I find your facts and statistics and assumptions to be just a LITTLE one-sided.  Now it is true that childfree women are regarded as odd if they're in a workplace full of childed people.  Because they don't have a whole lot of say in an office conversation about poopy fucking diapers, do they?  So because they don't coo over baby pictures and feel up the preggo bellies of their co-workers, they're considered odd and standoffish by their cliquey co-workers.  Not a whole lot of effort is made by the mommies to include non-mommies into their little world.  And if you can't, that's not a bad thing.  CF people don't necessarily want to be included in a conversation about soiled nappies and toddler vomit.  But something we also don't want is to be vilified because we don't fit in.  Which is pretty much what this self-described "VERY outspoken mother and former boss" does over the course of this so-called article.

Yeah, it gets worse.

As a result, it is these single-track careerists who are increasingly likely to be vilified, refused jobs and denied promotion because many employers believe them to lack what the study calls 'an essential humanity'. And I know exactly what they mean.

Yep.  Not only are we cold and odd, but we're also inhuman.  That's lovely, isn't it?  It's a wonderful thing to be called.  She goes on.  It sickens me to copy/paste it, but you've got to see it to believe it.

In the little hothouse of my own trade as a hack (I must at least mention that I appreciate the honesty and integrity of this statement, because by dog, you are indeed a hack), I play a game with myself. Reading all the other female scribblers, sometimes with grudging admiration and sometimes none at all, I try to guess from their expression of their world view whether or not they are mothers.

I haven't - yet - been wrong. Now, with MPs so much in the headlines, I've extended the game and started to guess about the women among them, too.As far as I can tell, my score is also pretty high there - even though it's just a feeling. On both sides of the political divide, as with the writers, it's not what MPs say or do, so much as how they go about it.

 
'Mothers bring something extra.'

And if that touch of 'essential humanity' - or its absence - colours such notably tough professions, it's hardly surprising that employers are starting to notice that the same applies across the spectrum of workplaces.

Wow.  My only reaction to this self-righteous smug-fest is wow.  Because what it pretty much implies is that the people who are mothers say things that Mrs. Sarler likes, and finds to be morally sound.  The things that the inhuman, incomplete, barren and bitter childfree and childless do and say, however... well, she sees those things are very bad indeed.  Let us be further enlightened by her amazing superior mind, shall we?  For the mind of a mother is always resting on a higher moral plane.  Oh yes indeed.

Besides which, in my experiences both as a colleague and an employer, I have found that mothers almost always bring something extra to the job, to the benefit of all.

It's not the mothers, for a start, who are going to turn up late and hungover after a night on the razz; they'll have been up, dressed and alert for hours, having cooked a family breakfast and delivered their children to school. On time.

What fucking June Cleaver fucking dimension are you living in, lady?  Because--and no insult to my own mother, who did the best she could and I love her--that shit never happened to me growing up.  And how fucking insulting, to just assume that ALL childfree people are out partying every night?  We're not all twenty years old, you know.  You think just because we don't choose to take on the responsibility of raising another human being, we're just naturally irresponsible people?  Amazing.  Way to generalize, bitch.  Not only about the childfree, but about parents as well.  Not every mommy is up at the crack of dawn scrambling eggs for her babies, just as every childfree person isn't out partying till the crack of dawn every night without a care in the world.

It's not the mothers, usually, who run the office bitch-fest.

Really.  Every situation I've been in suggests otherwise.  You know who runs the office bitch-fest?  The bitches.  Both the mommies and the non-mommies.  That's why they call it a bitch-fest, because it's a festival the bitches run.  I'm sure you know, because you must have run a few yourself, Mrs. Sarler.

They're not there to compete for the attentions of the male executives; they're there to get out of the house; they're there because they genuinely enjoy some adult company; and they're there because they have mouths to feed other than their own and shoes to buy for someone else's feet.

Oh, of course, because all childfree women are cock-hungry bitch-festers, right?  First of all, a great deal of CF women--in fact, most of the CF women I know--are in committed, stable relationships and aren't looking for an office fling because they're perfectly happy at home.  They get to have sex whenever and wherever they want in their house because they won't be interrupted by or disturb their children.  They have time to spend with each other and devote it to strengthening their relationship.  Even to assume that a single CF woman has nothing more on her mind than chasing office cock is insulting in the extreme.  We do have households to support, too.  Granted, our expenses aren't as high as those of someone who has a few extra air-breathers running around, but they do exist, and we do have motivation to get to work so that we can maintain them.  So that argument is pretty fucking weak, lady.

But rarely have I encountered a mother who did not offer to make up time lost, often in lunch hours. As for leaving on time, put enough mothers together in one workplace and you'll get rid of the ghastly ethos of 'presenteeism', whereby people vie for plaudits based solely on how late - albeit often uselessly - they hang around the office.

Yes, because the childfree women of the working world have nothing better to do than just hang around the office late racking up extra hours so they can pay for all the martinis they imbibe when they're out partying all night.  Like a fucking mom wouldn't do that if they could get away with it.  We're all at our jobs to make money.  And the childfree are just as likely to be staying late, getting the work that the mommies couldn't stay and finish because they had to go pick up Bratley Junior at daycare.  That's right, bitch, generalization works both ways.

You cannot be a mother without knowing something about selflessness, compassion, generosity, commitment, fierce loyalty and plain hard work. You cannot - surely - be a boss and not value assets such as those in your staff.

Oh, you can be a mother and still lack all those qualities.  I mean, it would be nice if everyone's mom had these qualities, but I could link you to a million stories that prove otherwise.  And surely a lot of employers out there realize that if a person, male or female, has these qualities, they are not exclusive to parents.  Except for you, of course, Mrs. Sarler.  I expect you wouldn't have hired someone like me, despite my record of being dependable, loyal, hard-working and selfless (damn right I'm tooting my own horn here, I know how fucking good I am) because I've never gotten knocked up.  And I'm therefore inhuman and incapable of truly being in touch with humanity.

But, more than all the things we want, we actually need our children; they complete us as women, they are our light and our love and our legacy.

We feel desperately sorry for those who yearn for children they cannot have; the unwilling barren, if you will. But when we meet a woman who chooses her childlessness in the belief that there is something out there worth more, we smile politely even while - once again - our guts whisper: 'Lady, you're weird.'

Last time it was your heart whispering.  You mean your guts whisper, too?  How unique.  You must be the Internal Organs Whisperer.  Hey, you know what?  I'm not weird.  I'm myself.  I'm me.  I have my own individuality, I choose not to play the role of breeder and let my offspring define who I am.  And you're jealous as hell about it because you played the game, you didn't think you had the choice, and you are fooling yourself into thinking you're the greatest thing since cable television just because your body performed a biological function and you popped one out.  Not only that, but because some women choose not to have their body go through this biological function, you claim that we are not really true women, that we're incomplete.  If we can't have babies, we get your pity and sympathy, but if we don't want babies, you somehow think that we're less human than you are.  You know what?  I think that's pretty fucking weird, lady.

So three cheers for the employers who are catching on, the ones who don't want to people their workforces with the cold, the calculating, the sad and the mad. The only question is: what took you so long?

Oh, well, I don't know... maybe they were busy trying to hire people who would show up for work on time, work hard without starting office bitch-fests, and stay loyal to their company.  According to you, of course, only a mother can be this kind of person.  Guess I might as well give up trying to be a good employee, then, because only a mommy can really do my job.

I can't even begin to describe the hurt I felt in my heart when I read this article.  I got pretty fucking pissed off, too, but honestly I'm more upset and offended than anything else.  The thought that there are more people out there... shallow, soulless judgemental people like Mrs. Sarler who feel this way about someone else's life choice really, seriously hurts my heart and soul.  All this judgement about a life that they are not going to live, about a life that is not even going to affect their own.  To me, that's pretty fucking sad.  I am really really sorry for you, Mrs. Sarler, you and all your judgemental, small-minded ilk.  You can't look at someone who is different from you, who thinks differently from you, and tolerate it.  You might say you can; you can go on and on about a woman's freedom to make a choice all the livelong day, but in the end, if you can't accept the childfree, then you can't make the claim that you're open-minded.  You certainly can't make the claim that you are compassionate and understanding.

If you made the claim that you're a giant sack of cunts, though... well, that's something I can agree with wholeheartedly.

***UPDATE***

Heh, apparently I'm not alone in denouncing this deplorable article.  And not the first.  Which in my mind is a very good thing.  So I feel like I should mention that this subject has been mentioned over at Childfree Clique, Childfreedom, By Choice, and Like It Is.  Any other blogs that have mentioned what total bullshit this article was will be gladly linked here, as I find them, and as you give 'em to me.  Yeah.

Interview with the El Sidpire... wow. That was pretty terrible.

All right, this is getting out about a week later than I intended it to, but my excuses are many and mostly valid.  The best excuse is that I was really sick Thursday night, recovered Friday day, then got even sicker Friday night and all day Saturday.  Plus the other times I was working, and I got worn out from work really fast 'cause I'd been sick.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  Don't bother with any sympathy, though, honestly, I'm fine now.  I like being fussed over when I am sick, but after the fact I don't care for it; I just want to forget it happened.

So, let's not talk about it anymore!  Let's talk about being INTERVIEWED!  Yay!

These questions came to me from Margot at The Thoughts Of A Jersey Girl, who had, in her turn, been interviewed by another blogger.  It's one o' them fun things going around in bloggyland, apparently, though I'm sure I'm way late to the party.  But that's the way I am, son.  That's how I roll.  I roll in fashionably late.

Right.  Let's get on to it before I get even more ridiculous:

1)You have the option to move anywhere in the world - job and money provided - where do you go?

I would go to New Zealand, probably.  No, I've never been there before.  I have no idea if it sucks or not.  But every picture I've seen of the place is pure beauty.  Especially the areas where they filmed the Lord Of The Rings movies... every bit of it seemed familiar and true.  That's probably because it exists exactly as I always imagined Middle Earth to be.  Hey, this is a whole fantasy scenario here anyway, so why not?

2) Who was the one person you couldn't stand when you were in school? 

Just one?  Ah ha ha ha... seriously, though, I can't hold a grudge like that.  I don't care enough about the people who teased me or were mean to me to even remember who upset me the most at the time.  I mean, if you'd asked me this question when I was thirteen I would probably have given you a very different answer!  But as it is, I have no hard feelings about any of it... it's just part of what kids do.  Some of them are still rotten bullies, I'm sure, but I know that more of them either regret making fun of me and the other dorky dweebasaurs or they just don't think about it anymore.

3) You are going to visit President Obama to bring some importantproblem to his attention that he'll take immediate action to - what is the topic? 

Overpopulation.  It's a very controversial point, but it's something I feel strongly about.  I honestly feel that overpopulation is one of the greatest contributing factors to every major problem our country--and, indeed, even the world--is facing.  Too many people use up too many resources and cause too much pollution.  And no one wants to admit it because they're all hung up on their "life is preeeeshious" preconditioning.  It'd be nice if people would just admit that overpopulation is a serious environmental threat and responsible breeding (having two or less children) is a way to live green and reduce this carbon footprint everyone's so hung up on.

This is a really great article on the subject:  Population: The Elephant In The Room.

4) You are offered a job at Ben & Jerrys to create ice cream flavors, what is the first new flavor? 

Blood and Chocolate.  It would be an Elvis Costello tribute, and it would be a toffee ice cream with chocolate truffle chunks and a dark reddish-amber caramel swirl.  The caramel would also have sea salt in it.  IT WOULD BE THE MOST DELICIOUS THING EVER.  Elvis Costello will think I am awesome for coming up with it and write a song about me.  Then, the pink unicorns will take me on a ride over the moon with their rainbow wings.

5) What got you into beading?

I had always been interested in it, but very intimidated, and very ignorant.  Before I got a job at a bead store, I just made these weak little strung necklaces on thread.  But when I actually learned the basics, I got immersed into it... it's just been very satisfying for me artistically.  All the colors, the textures, the materials, the possibilities... they just fascinate me.  I can't imagine ever giving it up.  To me, it's more than a hobby... more than an obsession, even.  My life revolves around beads.  That's just the way it is.

All right!  You loved it!  Yes, you learned all sorts of new things.  Oh, and hey, guess what?  You have the opportunity to learn EVEN MORE.  Any of you are welcome to interview me... just shoot me an e-mail or leave me a comment with your five questions (I don't check my e-mail that much, just warning you now.)  Any of you are also welcome to be interviewed by me, also!  It's a good thing to blog if you can't think of anything to blog, you know.

Another fun fact, I am terrible at ending blog entries.  So I'm just gonna end it.  Yeah.

A test and a teaser.

First of all, my ears are awesome... I think.

Created by Train Horn

Second of all, I am working on a new blog which may or may not see the light of day today.  I was going to start doing it last night, but got distracted and ended up listening to music and playing Free Cell for two hours.  Eh, sometimes you gotta just let the ol' mind go.

But!  You will want to stay tuned for this next blog, because.  I am being interviewed!  Yes indeed, Margot from The Thoughts Of A Jersey Girl has asked me questions, and I shall respond unto them.

Until then, prepare to laugh harder at this than you have at anything in your entire fucking life:

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

Man, I love The Onion.

AND WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT...

I would be very much amiss if I did not note that today is the 15th anniversary of the death of William Melvin Hicks, who I consider to be one of the greatest minds of this century.  He was so much more than just a comedian, he was an enlightened and beautiful soul.

My friend Jay over at Foward To Death wrote a really moving entry about Bill Hicks, so please go and read it.  But first, enjoy another video.  This is taken from a documentary about Bill narrated by Jeneane Garafalo, and includes Bill's last live performance before his death in 1994.

I never understood why Letterman never aired that.  Until recently, fifteen years later.  He had Mary Hicks, Bill's mother, on the show, and apologized profusely, and finally aired the tape.  Previously, the original tape had been destroyed, and Mary Hicks was sent the only copy.  I'm going to go ahead here and post all three videos of Letterman's interview with Mary Hicks and the airing of Bill's banned performance.  Enjoy!

Crossposted, like the stars crossing paths, in the night, on Facebook.

Album art fun!!!

To Do This:
1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

And there ya go.  By the way, the Valea Caselor River is a tributary of the Moldova river in Romania. The quote was from Oscar Wilde: "We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities." The art apparently is hanging in someone's hallway, held up with pushpins.

It's really not that far off from how I would figure out my own band and album name, if ever a thing were to occur.

I actually have another non-ranting picture-based post in the works, but it'll likely have to wait for tomorrow.  It will be fun.  I will enjoy it.  And so will you.

For now, just remember:  Everyone is stupid and deserves to die.

I'm giving this bitch far too much attention.

But it just gets more and more fucktarded the more I hear about it.

I mean FUUUUUUCKtarded.

Oh, I read the Wikipedia page on Octocunt (I decided to start calling her that.  You likey?  You likey) in a little more depth today, and noticed a brief paragraph where, though she denies it, she's apparently tried to get in contact with Angelina Jolie several times.  I imagine the messages that might end up on Angie's voice mail....

"Angelina!  Did you get my letters?  I sent ten of them yesterday, did you get them?  I named all my children after you, Angelina!  I named them all Angelina and Angel and Ange and Lina and Angie and Jolie and Ina and Jo!  I can give you one if you want one!  I've got plenty!  I've got more than you've got!  I have some extra donated breast milk, do you want it?  I can send you some of mine if you'd rather have some of mine!  Angelina!  I love you!  I want to cut your skin off and wear it to my birthday party!"

I'm such a sarcastic ass.  You love me.

Oh, and it's nice to see that some parents were as put off by Octocunt as I am... though I must say they're much nicer about it.  The woman who wrote the article I linked for your pleasure in the previous sentence came up with some questions I think should have been asked.  Granted I know this article was written by someone who saw only the soft-core interview that aired on Today and not, apparently, the slightly less edited for the morning crowd version that aired on Dateline the next night.  Still... pretty good questions, I think.  Now I know Octocunt is too busy spending 45 minutes holding every single one of her zerglings every day and telling them she loves them while her parents look after her other fifty million hive creatures, so I've taken it upon myself to answer these questions on her behalf, in a sickening shade of pink.  I feel it's the least I can do to help.

From the article:

1. Have you purchased infant seats for your babies yet?

Oh, well, I'm waiting on a infant seat manufacturer to give them to me, but if all fails I guess I'll see if they'll take food stamps for them.  But they'll be okay, because my LOVE for them will keep them strapped in safe and tight no matter where we go!

2. What vehicle will you use to transport all of them?

Oh, well, since my parent's 3-bedroom house is big enough for my six current children and the eight that are coming, I figure I'll just use whatever car I've got already.  If I pack them in there enough, I won't even need child saftey seats!  They're already used to being all squished together in my uterus anyway!

3. Have you contacted your health insurance provider yet to get your children signed up for your health care plan?

I sure did!  Thanks, Uncle Sam!

4. Did you check with your city's zoning commission to confirm that 15 people are permitted to occupy a three-bedroom, single family house?

What?  I'm sorry, that's not my problem, it's not my house.  I'm too busy loving my children.  I spend all my time with them, you know.  Everything I do revolves around them.  I'm going to take them to Magical Unicorn Pony Sunshine Land every day to play with Angelina and Brad's children and give them all magic lollies because I will have a high-paying job and will be able to afford to buy them lollies and popsicles any time they want and I will tell them I love them for ever and ever and ever and ever!

5. If, by your own admission, your parents gave you such a dysfunctional childhood, why are you entrusting them with the care of your older children?

Oh, well, you see I love my children far more than my parents ever loved me.  So it doesn't matter if other people who don't love them as much as I do watch them, because I love them enough, so my love will protect them from all the dysfunction now so it's okay.

6. Who would have legal custody of all 14 of your children should something happen to you?

But nothing will ever happen to me!  God will watch over us all and make us all safe forever and ever and we will live in Magical Unicorn Pony Rainbow Happy Lolly Land with Angelina and Brad and all the children will scamper through the morning dew and brighten the universe with their smiles!  So it's just silly to ask me that question, don't even ask it.

7. When you finally do earn your Master's degree, what sort of salary could you expect to earn once you get a job?

Oh, well, of course by the time I finish my schooling I will have just the most amazing job in the world and be able to provide for all my children.  Of course if I was really smart I would have gotten the education and the job first before I started squirting them out, but since my children are gifts from God and the angels obviously they have to come first.

8. Have you arranged for daycare or another childcare provider should your parents decide not to babysit your children?

Of course, that's why I write to Angelina every day!  I'm sure she'll help, she has at least seven nannies!  But if not, I'm sure the government has a program.  Oh, it's not taking money from taxpayers!  It's government assistance, and that's TOTALLY different!

9. Have you discussed the octuplets' arrival with your older children?

Oh, they're all retarded so they wouldn't understand.

10. How will you support your family if the big corporate sponsorships and donations don't come through for you?

Well, there's always my sickeningly hideous smarmy website, where stupid goobs like me who think that the only thing in the world that matters is squirting out babies can give me donations.  Once I finish my education I'll be able to get a job that will provide for all of them, and once Angelina realizes that we were seperated at birth and accepts me as a sister we can all live in Happy Magical Unicorn Fairy Princess Pony Rainbow Sunshine Ice Cream land in our Sparkling Wonder Gemstone Princess Castle together forever!!!!

She's livin' in a fantasy world, seriously.  Who the fuck is going to hire a single mother of 14!

Notice that all the octoswarm babies' names end in the letter "H" and sound vaugely biblical.  This disturbs me.  It's always the funditards who breed like fucking bunnies, isn't it?  And for some reason, give their children alliterative names.

Someone get a gun and shoot me.  I don't think I want to live in this world with these people anymore.  It'll be easier if I just leave.  Fucking hell.

So many rantings... so little time.

Knowing me like I know you do, I am sure you are curious as to why I have not yet ranted about that fucking evil stupid idiot bitch who had the octuplets.  Well, first of all, there is not enough room in the entire internets to capture the contempt and disgust I feel for this woman.  Second of all, no one wants to read an entire blog post of incoherent paragraphs of key mashing, death threats, and curse words.  All in caps.  Third of all, this mentally incompetent idiot cunt and her twat hatchlings have gotten far, far, far FAR too much attention.

Therefore, for these three very valid reasons, I had planned to refrain from ranting about her.  But... dammit, I can't fight this feeling anymore.  (If you get an REO Speedwagon stuck in your head I apologize.  It's there in mine, too.)  I can't help but rant about her.  Jesus, this idiot represents everything I loathe about irresponsible breeding and the media attention it recieves.

Speaking of media attention, here's an article!  You know how I do it.

LOS ANGELES – Los Angeles police say they will investigate death threats against octuplet mom Nadya Suleman.

Police Lt. John Romero says Thursday that officers are meeting with Suleman's publicist Mike Furtney about the flood of angry phone calls and e-mail messages.

Word that the 33-year-old single, unemployed mother is receiving public assistance to care for the 14 children she conceived through in vitro fertilization has stoked furor among many people.

So not only is she wasting taxpayer money to get support for 14 children that SHE GOT IMPLANTED WITH ON PURPOSE, she's wasting more of it paying police officers to investigate death threats against her.  Great.  Like she didn't bring this on herself.  Like she's just an innocent little lamb in all this.  Poor poor thing.  I just weep for her.

Furtney says 500 new e-mails were received early Thursday.

Only 500?  Shit, those were probably all from me.  In spirit, anyway.

"We're talking to the Los Angeles Police Department to get their best advice as to how to regard these messages," Furtney said as the phone in his office rang constantly.

He is also consulting with a security professional to get advice on any precautions that might need to be taken.

Furtney says Suleman is living in an undisclosed location and spends time with all of her kids every day. He says not all of the calls are angry. One family from the Midwest has invited Suleman and her brood to live on their farm.

Her brood.  How appropriate.

"One thing that keeps me from jumping out the window is that we've heard from many people offering some kind of support: clothing, food, financial or other help," Furtney said.

Oh, ha ha, that's funny, Mr. Furtney.  Because, ironically enough, your client makes me want to jump out the window!  BECAUSE SHE PAID FOR IN-FUCKING-VITRO AND THEN EXPECTS THE GOVERNMENT TO HELP HER RAISE HER SWARM!  GAAAAH!

Suleman has been supporting her six other children with $490 a month in food stamps and receives Social Security disability payments for three of the youngsters that could total $2,379 a month.  She has estimated her in vitro fertilization procedures have cost $100,000.

Fucking bitch.  You know how much good $100,000 dollars would do people--hell, children--who are ALREADY HERE?  But noooooo, she's gotta add to her collection.  This woman is SICK.  She needs help.  And the only motherfuckers I hate more in this instance than her are the fucking soulless pieces of garbage that let her keep getting the in vitro, despite the fact that she's single, unemployed and living with her parents in a goddamn 3-bedroom house.

Suleman has said she saved for the treatments by working double shifts and also used money from a disability award exceeding $165,000 that she received after an on-the-job back injury.

Yeah, what they don't mention here for some reason was the fact that she was working at a mental institution.  That's her field.  Mental fucking health.  Unbelievable.  Mentally unhealthy people are taking care of mentally unhealthy people.  And you best believe I know this stupid moo cunt is mentally unhealthy.  No sane person would behave in the manner she has.  If she was obesssing over any other thing besides having children, then she would be considered mentally unstable.

The benefits were discontinued last year.

The Suleman octuplets' medical costs have not been disclosed, but in 2006, the average cost for a premature baby's hospital stay in California was $164,273, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Eight times that equals $1.3 million. For a single mother, the cost of raising 14 children through age 17 ranges from $1.3 million to $2.7 million, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

Let's think about that for a moment.  Let's just... try to wrap our heads around this a little bit.  This stupid cuntlip went and got herself knocked up on PURPOSE, multiple times... despite the fact that she's single, living with her parents in a TINY house, and already has 6 children and is mooching off the government.

Can we do it?  Can we manage the head-wrapping?  Because I'll be perfectly fuckin' honest with you... my head can't fit around that kind of thinking.  I suppose this is a good thing, because if I could understand what she WAS thinking, I would be a stupid fucking irresponsible self-centered headcase, too.

I never, ever, ever, in a million or more years (for I am immortal) thought that I would have anything resembling respect for people like the Duggar family. (click if you dare...)  After all, in my mind, having more children than you need or than the world needs is a cardinal fucking sin, and warrants expulsion from my church.  BUT.  At least the fucking Duggars take care of themselves.  They don't expect the state to take care of their filthy swarm of waterhead funditards.  And at least they have them one at a fucking time.

But this idiot fucking bitch dumbass cuntbubble decided to go ahead and get pregnant artificially and then claim that her children are a blessing from God!  Uh... yeah, from PLAYING God.  She apparently doesn't think she's selfish at all.  I didn't watch the interview with Ann Curry, though it was on when I came home from work.  I did catch this part, which was reproduced at the end of the article I just linked in the previous sentence.  I'm glad her oldest kid has a little sense:

6-year-old Amerah told “Dateline” that she didn’t think eight more siblings is a good idea.

“Do you think it'll be fun to have a lot of brothers and sisters like that?” Curry asked.

“No,” Amerah said.

“Why not?”

“'Cause there's gonna be a lot of crying.”

“Do you think your mom's going to be okay with all those kids all the time?”

“She's gonna be stressed out all the time,” Amerah opined.

That kid is 6 years old and has more sense than her own mother.  I feel sorry for her.  She's gonna end up being the primary babysitter.

Little advice, Amerah?  It's never too late to start smoking weed.

Really? Is it really that big of a deal?

***Begin Disclaimer***

I wrote this blog in a haze of sleeplessness and anger, just so you know.  Any typos or misused words are the fault of exhaustion and steaming bitch rage.

***End Disclaimer***

Some of you may have noticed that we have a new president now.  I think I heard something about his inaguration on the news.  I know not everyone is fond of him or the things he does.  We'll always have that.  I happen to like him.  I happen to like him quite a bit, though I know some of you don't.  It's cool.  I'm sure there's a lot of things that you like that I don't care for in the least.

But the thing is, and here's the thing... I respect that other people have a different point of view from me.  I don't think any less of them as people, or at least I try not to.  I treat them as they would like to be treated, because, in the words of the President, "That's how I roll."

So you can understand why this article pissed me off so much... let me break it down for ya.

(Jan. 23) - Not everyone was happy with President Barack Obama's nod to nonbelievers and non-Christians in his inaugural address. And some of the stiff criticism about Obama’s religious inclusiveness is coming from African-American Christians who maintain that no, all faiths were actually not created equal.

And it's this additude that's gotten us in nearly every single bloody war we've ever fought.  As George Carlin once said:  "My God has a bigger dick than your God."

"For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness," the new president said.  "We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this earth," he also said.  Nothing too controversial, proclaiming that America's lies in its diversity.

But between those two statements, the new president got specific:  "We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus, and non-believers."

My own reaction to his use of "non-believers" was "I wish he'd just have called us athiests and agnostics... "non-believers" is so condescending.  But apparently if he'd done THAT... if he'd actually uttered the deplorable "A" word, he would have apparently lost some support from his people.  I mean... now I'm just pleased that he even mentioned us at all.

By mentioning, for the first time in an inaugural address, the 16.1 percent of Americans who check "no"’ when asked about religion, Obama turned it into the most controversial line in his speech -- praised by The New York Times editorial board and cited by some Christians as evidence that he is a heretic, and in his well-spoken way, a serious threat.

Wait... wait... he's seen as a heretic because he was actually being inclusive?  That he was showing that he cared about all the people in the country he's representing?  That he was reaching out to people who do not share his personal views?  Oh, of course, what blasphemy!  Doesn't sound at ALL like something CHRIST MIGHT DO, does it?

 
With that one line, the president "seems to be trying to redefine American culture, which is distinctively Christian," said’ Bishop E.W. Jackson of the Exodus Faith Ministries in Chesapeake, Va. "The overwhelming majority of Americans identify as Christians, and what disturbs me is that he seems to be trying to redefine who we are.’"Earlier this week, Jackson was a guest on the popular conservative Christian radio show 'Janet Parshall's America,' where a succession of callers, many of whom identified themselves as African-American, said they shared the concern, and were perplexed and put off by the president’s shout-out to nonbelievers.

What an ASS!  Where do I start?  Oh, well, let's start with the obvious... if the majority of Americans indentify as Christian, where does that leave the rest of us?  Are we somehow not REAL Americans if we don't go to a Christian church?  Are we suddenly not part of the culture of the country we WERE BORN AND RAISED IN?  So... wait... that makes us a minority, does it not?  So you're saying, basically, if you're in a minority in this country, you don't deserve to be a part of it.  If you don't wear a cross, fuck you, you're not an American.  Seems like a pretty funny point of view to take, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE BLACK, YOU ASS.  Here, substitute the word "white" for the word "Christian" in that statement and remember that people were saying things like THAT about people like you fifty years ago.  In everyday, polite conversation.

The president was not trying to redefine American culture with those statements, he was attempting, if anything, to unify it.  So get in line and hold hands, you asshole.

Parshall noted that atheists were celebrating the unexpected mention, and indeed they were: "In his inaugural address … President Barack Obama did what many before him should have done, rightly citing the great diversity of America as part of the nation's great strength, and including 'nonbelievers'’ in that mix,’" said Ed Buckner of American Atheists."His mother would have been proud,"’ Buckner said, referring to the fact that Obama’s mother was not a church-goer. "And so are we."

And so am I.

Jackson said he and others have no problem acknowledging that "this country is one in which everybody has the freedom to think what they want.’" Yet Obama crossed the line, in his view, in suggesting that all faiths (and none) were different roads to the same destination: "He made similar remarks in the campaign, and said, 'We are no longer a Christian nation, if we ever were. We are a Jewish, Hindu and non-believing nation.'

"Not so, Jackson says: "Obviously, Jewish heritage is very much a part of Christianity; the Jewish Bible is part of our Bible. But Hindu, Muslim, and nonbelievers? I don't think so. We are not a Muslim nation or a nonbelieving nation."’

Everyone does have the freedom to think what they want.  And you, Mr. Jackson, are perfectly entitled to your elitist, uninclusive, blinkered, short-sighted point of view.  Just don't be so surprised when you find out that everyone doesn't share your point of view and is in fact a little pissed off that you treat them like shit because they don't conform to your ideals.

And sorry to burst your little bubble, but it's not for you to say what nation this is.  It's not just yours.  It belongs to everyone that lives in it, everyone that was born in it, everyone who contributes to it.  Not only that, dumbass, but it's pretty common knowledge at this point in history that the founders of this nation were not all Christian; the majority of them in fact were agnostics and theists.  

With all the focus on Obama as the first African-American president, the succession of black callers to Janet Parshall's show was a reminder that the "community"’ is not a monolith, and that many socially conservative black Americans are at odds with Obama's views, particularly on abortion and gay rights. Nor do they all define civil rights in the same way.The Rev. Cecil Blye, pastor of More Grace Ministries Church in Louisville, Ky., said the president's reference to nonbelievers also set off major alarm bells for him. "It's important to understand the heritage of our country, and it's a Judeo-Christian tradition," period.

NO, Reverend Asshole.  We all live in this country, and we all have different points of view.  We all have different morals and ways of doing things and hairstyles and clothes and skin colors and birthmarks and accents and automobile accessories.  BUT WE ALL LIVE HERE.  We do indeed have the freedom to think what we want.  And I think if you're going to have a unified nation, then you're gonna have to get down off your high horse and accept that there are other people who believe differently than you do.

But his even bigger beef with the president, he said, is that a disproportionate number of "black kids are dying each day through abortion. President Obama is supportive of abortion, and that's a genocide on black folks. Nobody wants to talk about that as a civil rights issue."

Wow.  This guy is a fucking idiot.  Actually quite a few people want to talk about abortion as a rights issue... women's rights.  The right to choose.  You know why a disproportionate number of black women are getting abortions?  Because they have less access to birth control, because birth control costs money, and black people are living in a disproportionate amount of poverty.  Which, correct me if I'm wrong, SHOULD BE A BIT MORE OF AN ISSUE FOR A BLACK CHRISTIAN TO TACKLE.  How about we address THAT problem so that, oh, I don't know, all these black babies that you want to save will be able to eat real food and drink clean water and live in a house with a roof and a toilet that works.  Let's try to fix the world and the society these precious babies are being born into before we get our panties in a wad about scraping a little congregation of cells off the inside of a uterus.  Sound good?  Mmmmkay.

Ugh, the hypocrisy galls me.  Here are people who are supposedly fighting to be accepted in mainstream society, fighting misconceptions and indignities piled upon their race for generations.  Here are people who have been calling for unity and acceptance... and what the fuck do they do?  The moment one of their own--a Christian man of color--is elected to the highest office in the land, what do they do?  They jump his shit for reaching out and calling for unity and acceptance.

Don't these assholes see it?  Don't they understand that he isn't attempting to redefine America as a non-Christian nation in the least?  He's showing them the true definition of America.  We are a nation of many colors and creeds, and we always have been, right from the beginning.  We never were a Christian nation... we've just always been a Christian-dominated nation.  Now the dominion is fading, and those that want to keep the power most are the ones whining the most about losing it.

I like President Obama a lot, but I'm not thinking he's the second coming or anything.  He's only a man... he can only do the things one man can do.  He can't please us all, and he can't make us all get along.  But, sorry for sounding like I'm kissing his ass, he's doing a damn fine job of considering everyone.  I just hope he doesn't bend over backwards to pacify these religious bullies because they're a portion of his major voting block.

"I like your Christ.  I do not like your Christians.  Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."  --Mohandas Karamchand Ghandi

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."  --George Carlin

I just know these assholes are going to get their own TV special.

In these hard times, a lot of us have found the value in cutting back on the amount of resources we use.  We have gone without the things we wanted because we know they're superfluous and expensive.

So tell me, then... do you really HAVE to give birth to fucking QUINTS?

Yes, my friends, I'm about to take the piss out of an article again.  It's yelly time.  Enjoy the show, and watch out for flying head explody.  Because, you know, this is the kind of thing that makes my head parts go boom.

Jones quintuplets arrive

Four girls and one boy born at Seton Medical Center Austin.

By Andrea Ball

AMERICAN-STATESMAN STAFF

(clicky for original article)

Austin, meet the Jones quintuplets: Ryan Elizabeth, Lila Addison, Brooklyn Faith, Jack William and Britton Grace.

Jesus titty-fuckin' Christ, would you look at these names.  What the hell.  I mean, it's not as bad as the Palin kids' names, but daaang.  Ryan Elizabeth's going to be a lesbian, Lila Addison is going to grow up to write terrible murder mystery/romance novels, Brooklyn Faith is destined for the stripper's pole, Jack William's either going to be a used car salesman or a meat manufacturer, and Britton Grace is going to most likely end up in the top of a tower with a rifle yelling "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?  WHO'S LAUGHING AT MY NAME NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS?!?!?" madly, red-eyed from years of ridicule and shame.  Well, I know that's how I would have ended up if I'd been named Britton fucking Grace.

The four girls and one boy, all of whom weighed between 2 pounds, 2 ounces and 2 pounds, 13 ounces , were born shortly after noon Friday at Seton Medical Center in Austin with help from a team of about 30 doctors, nurses and medical professionals.

Thirty of them?  Really?  Seriously?  All 'cause mama couldn't lay off the in vitro?  You know there's a shortage of medical professionals right now.  They would have probably been put to better use helping the people who find that ONE CHILD AT A TIME IS REALLY ENOUGH.

The infants, who are 10 weeks early, have the typical problems associated with prematurity, said Dr. Patrick Hodges , a neonatologist helping tend to the babies. They need help breathing and keeping a steady body temperature, but they are in stable condition and doing well, he said.

You know, if she'd given birth in the wild, wolves would have devoured all her young by now.  It's the circle of life!

"We couldn't be happier," said Ethan Jones, the quintuplets' father.

Yeah, god knows what it's going to cost them in medical bills and how long the hatchlings are going to be in the hospital and being sickly children they'll probably all get sick at the same time and the amount of diapers they're going to go through, but they couldn't be happier!  Is this some weird definition of the world "happy" that I haven't heard about?  'Cause lemme tell ya, happy for me, personally, is the exact opposite of what this guy has just described.

The quintuplets' mother, Casey Jones, underwent a Cesarean section and experienced no complications, said obstetrician Dr. Stephanie Reich . Jones is expected to leave the hospital in four or five days. The quintuplets are expected to remain in the hospital for several months, Hodges said.

I'm sure I was going to say something snarky here, too, but all I can think of is that Grateful Dead song.  Casey Jones, you better watch your speed.

Although quintuplets are rare — about 70 sets of five or more babies were born in the United States in 2005 — they are not unheard of in Central Texas. In 2007, Rachelle and Jayson Wilkinson of Cedar Park had five babies.

They're really not so rare these days, not with in vitro and fertility treatments the way they are.  So this paragraph is stupid, and I'm going to kick it in the nuts now.

Casey and Ethan Jones, who have been married almost 10 years, struggled with fertility problems before using intrauterine insemination to conceive their first daughter, 4-year-old Eliot. Last summer, the couple used the procedure again and got pregnant with quintuplets.

One's not enough for ya, huh?  You just HAD to have FIVE MORE, didn't ya?  Well thanks for popping out some more air-breathers, lady.

Doctors suggested the family consider "selective reduction" — a process by which some of the fetuses are aborted early in the pregnancy to reduce risks to the mother and other babies. They refused.

Because they're fucking stupid?  I mean, they'd rather risk the lives of every single fetus AND the mother than just reducing the set down to twins?  Even triplets would make more sense!  Jeeesus, scrape a few extra cells out, lady!  Your womb doesn't fucking belong to Wonder Woman!  I mean, obviously, everything turned out fine, but I don't think these people have realized... they're givin' birth to FIVE premature, sickly children who need a ton of medical attention in the middle of the worst goddamn recession we have seen in quite some time.  Plus, if they'd aborted some of those fetuses these poor babies might not have been saddled with those horrible names.  Doesn't anyone care about the children anymore?  I beg of you.  Have an abortion today.  Do it for the future.  Do it for the children.

An American-Statesman story Thursday about the couple triggered a flood of positive and negative comments on the newspaper's Web site. Some criticized the couple for using insemination and for refusing to abort some of their babies. Some praised the Joneses' commitment to their children.

Yeah, real great commitment to your children, bringing them into a worldwide financial crisis and giving them stripper names.

The couple were also discussed on a local radio show, where people lobbed some of the same remarks.

Those comments stung, Ethan Jones said. But he said he thinks they are off-base.

No, they're all valid opinions, dude.  And as much as I know this is your personal decision and you're the one who's gonna deal with five shit-factories, I still think you should get some fucking criticism for inflicting five more fucking cabbages on this planet when there's plenty of people already here that need to be cared for.  And the Childfree are called selfish.  Unbefuckinglievable.

The chances of becoming pregnant with quintuplets were astronomically low, he said. The pair never imagined this would happen but believed God created the babies for a reason, he said. The couple — who have received a lot of support from members of Riverbend Church — chose to share their story with the public because they wanted to show people how the faith community can rally together in times of need, Jones said.

Hold on.  Hold on.  Hold on.  Wait.  GOD created the babies for a reason?  Excuse me?  YOU got the fertility treatments.  YOU were the ones who went to medical science to boost your baby count when YOU were the infertile ones.  Do you people EVER consider that possibly, JUST POSSIBLY, that it was GOD who made you infertile in the first fucking place?  Did you ever consider that God was just like:  "Nope, fuck this, there's no way I'm lettin' those idiots breed.  They're gonna give all their children retarded-ass names and have too many of 'em.  Infertility for you!"  Oh, and the faith community rallies together in times of need?  Let me ask you, is getting knocked up on purpose with a fucking litter really hard times?  Are you really suffering through rough days if you can afford IN FUCKING VITRO treatments?  Aren't there, oh, I don't know, people out there who need a LITTLE more help than a couple of goddamn idiots who wasted their money thwarting God's will?

Over the next few days, the couple plan to rest and focus on their new babies. Big sister Eliot will meet her siblings very soon, he said.

"She's very excited," he said. "I don't think she has a clue what she's in for."

Dude, I don't think YOU have a clue what you're in for.  But, hey, it's your life.

Why are the mental faculties of these people not being questioned?  Why do they get free shit just for cheating nature?  Why do stories like this piss me off so much when it really should be none of my business?  Well, I can at least answer that last one.  It's none of my business what people do with their garbage, but I get pissed as hell when I see them littering.

Yes.  I just compared giving birth to littering.  And yes, I mean it.  There are too many people on this planet and too little resources for them, and more and more babies are being born every day because "life is pweeeeshious".  You know, if you really believed that, you would cherish the life of the things you kill to survive.  You would cherish the woodlands and the animals we have, and not mow them down to make room for your McMansion communities and your shopping centers and your goddamn overpriced family restaurants.  We are the litterbugs.  Humanity is the pollution.  And while I am not advocating culling the fold here, I am advocating a little more responsibility.  If you really want a child, one or two is a responsible number.  There's no need to be fruitful and multiply anymore.  We kinda have that down pat.  You don't even have to look at the population statistics to know there's too damn many people on this planet.  All you gotta do is look at a Wal-Mart parking lot.

"Can you lay off the rutting until we figure out this whole food/air deal?  THANK YOU!"  --Bill Hicks